First Class

I'm sitting here in school with one hour and ten minutes left until Christmas break. Time is passing painfully slow. Not many students are here today for 2 reasons: it's the day before Christmas Eve and I don't even want to be here, and it's a Thursday, so over half the students are at their internships. Because I didn't sleep well last night and I really would rather be somewhere else, and only 2 of the students from my advisory are here, I've become a bit anti-social and have holed myself up in my advisory with only a few students who are watching a movie.

While today is rough and I'm tired, I must admit that life here at school is getting better. The students are slightly more invested and willing to learn. I have a better attitude and am less stressed. And most importantly, I am beginning to enjoy my students more. Several days in a row over the past few weeks I actually felt excited to come in and see my kids every day. As I am learning how to communicate with them in an effective, positive way, they are showing me more respect.

I feel like I am learning a lot about working with children. By the time God is done with me here I think I'll be ready to conquer all teenager-dome. But until that time comes, I need to continue to learn how to enjoy my job and my students. Even though they drive me nuts sometimes, they really are precious, individual, beautiful creations. I'm learning to see them through that lens, instead of just noticing all of their imperfections.

I have found that it does no good to yell at them. It does no good to show frustation in my tone of voice. Fighting back with them or allowing them to argue with me about an assignment or instruction does no good. Expecting them to do everything exactly as I ask is unrealistic.

What does work however, is realizing they all work in individual ways. It works much better to smile at them as they come in each morning, whether they are on time or late. It's more productive to always know exactly what action I want them to be doing, so that if conversation veers off in a bad direction I have a track to put them back onto. It's so much more enjoyable to let them share their thoughts briefly if something unrelated is on their minds, laugh with them at their stories, and acknowledge that they have a life outside of this place.

The break could not be coming sooner, and I don't think I'll miss them too much with only a week without them, but I do pray that when we get back with over half the school year to go that my advisory, First Class, can continue to grow in a positive way (and maybe, just maybe, they'll all wear their uniforms again:)

Idols

"Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life." - Psalm 139

I have many flaws.

In college, I discovered that I had a need for approval. I can literally stress out about making a simple decision, like what clothes I should wear, if someone does not give me a thumbs up of approval. I start to get paranoid if a friend doesn't give their opinion when I ask, because I feel that I've done something wrong.

During college, God also convicted me of my need for approval in my talents and gifts. I was very involved with theatre when I was in high school and started to be in college, until I realized I was doing it just to be in the spotlight and hear people telling me what a great job I did. Acting on stage wasn't offensive to Him, but my terribly self-focused attitude about it was.

Now, I'm not a very competitive person when it comes to sports, but I've started to realize that I am when it comes to being one of the best at what I'm trying to do. I know I'm never going to be the best, but I want to be at the top of the pack. Acting, learning, test-taking, math, teaching...

Fast forward.

Last year, I was one of the "best." I was brand new at my job, I was a rookie, yet I put my heart and soul into learning how to be better at teaching, better at being an advisor for Big Picture.

This year, everyone's all caught up. I'm no longer in the spotlight. It was only then that I realized I even wanted to be in the spotlight. I wanted approval for all the hard work that I've been doing in the form of compliments.

I'm not really sure why I'm telling you all this. It's been on my heart for awhile. A few weeks ago, in a conversation I was having I was asked what my idols were. "Surely," I thought to myself, "there's nothing that I worship more than God." At times my boyfriend ranks up there a bit too close to the top, or I know I sometimes would prefer to spend time with friends instead of with God, but all in all, I never considered myself too much of an idol-worshiper. (Talk about conceited, right?)

And it wasn't until I was brought face to face with such a question that I even realized that I do have idols. The biggest one at the moment being my need for approval in the form of being considered the best at my job. BAM.

My faith has been weak the past few months, my job has been miserable. I've been wanting to know why without really wanting to find the answer. Thankfully, God is just and true and pointed out the things in my life that were holding me back from having a better relationship with my Savior and on a different level, with my students.

I've been so unconsciously working toward being praised at work. It is affecting my love for my students and my interactions with my staff members. For example, today during our staff meeting, I was proposing a new schedule for next quarter where I would teach just math (be the math specialist), and only my students would have a bit more of a traditional experience by rotating to the other teachers while I was with that other teacher's class doing math. The idea was shot down. I got angry.

The fact that we weren't going to use the proposed schedule didn't necessarily bother me, because I wasn't even sure if it was a good idea, but what bothered me was that I felt like my idea had been stupid, that my classroom management must suck if no one else wants to teach my students for a short 45 minute time period, and that the time I put into thinking about such a "genius" idea was only acknowledged briefly. Ha! How silly and self-focused am I?

I suppose this blog entry is more of a confession. Idols get in the way of all of our lives. I didn't realize how intangible they can be sometimes. I pray that God continues to discipline and convict me so that I can better experience His joy, which can then flow out to others, like my students.

Debbie Downer

I have been incredibly frustrated for the majority of this year (as any of you who talk to me regularly, read this often, or follow me on Twitter can attest to). Things aren’t going my way. I’ve gotten into the terrible habit of only seeing the imperfections in my students and in my teaching. When something positive happens, I get frustrated that it’s still not perfect instead of rejoicing in the small accomplishments.

God has been really convicting me of my terrible attitude. I feel like I should have that “wa wa waaaa” music following me around every time I speak (SNL anyone?). I’ve known that I’ve been too negative for awhile, but it wasn’t until I was observed by my TFA program director that it was really brought to my attention. During our debrief of the lesson, she commended me on the improvements my students have been making. Yes, they might be disrespectfully talking over me, but they no longer get up and just leave class (or the building). While they complain about the lessons, their complaints have turned more into frustrations that they don’t understand, which she pointed out is evidence of investment. Two thirds of my students are out on internships, whereas last year at this time, I think only 1 was out.

I’ve been realizing that it’s good to have high expectations, but I also am allowed to rejoice in the small steps that it takes to get there, especially for these students. My attitude was brought to my attention again in a meeting with my coordinator. I was frustrated that one of my students had read ahead to the end of the book we’re reading in advisory and has been telling everyone the ending. My coordinator looked at me like I was crazy… I was actually upset that a student took it upon themselves to READ AHEAD? (Wa wa waaaaaa…)

So I’ve been a bit of a downer. And my negativity has definitely brought down the culture of my classroom. Yet I am still amazed at how God works through my weaknesses. While I was noticing all the ways I see my students in a negative light, I was humbled further by a simple activity that they were doing. We did a mini-unit on discovering your passions and how to learn through your interests. One of the objectives was discovering your values. In doing that, I asked the students some questions to help guide their thinking. One of the questions was, “Who is the happiest person you know?”

The majority of them said that it was me.

Praise God that in my negativity and ridiculous expectations of perfection and bad attitude He still used me to show these kids His joy. It baffles my mind that His love has shown through even in the bad year that I’ve been having. Perhaps it’s not so bad after all. I’m just so thankful that He is in charge and uses me despite my brokenness.

Update

I kept having great ideas for some posts... but I have not had the time nor the energy to write something inspirational. I thought that, instead, I can just revert to the good old checklist. So here's some of the things that have been going on:

• Things are slowly getting a little bit better at school. I'm starting to relax more around my students and my biggest advice seems to be that I'm not having enough fun with them and not building a good relationship. I feel like this is slightly confusing advice. More to come on this probably in a later post.
• The students completed their end of the quarter assessment Exhibition presentations. They went well. Not the best because hardly any of my students actually took the given time the week before to prepare, but good for how the semester went none-the-less.
• As the new quarter starts it's always a better time for the students because they feel hope that they can succeed once again, so there's been some better attitudes in class.
• Went to visit AJ in Indiana last weekend. It was nice to get away and even better to see him.
• I'm ready for Thanksgiving already. Break can't come soon enough.
• I'm praying for direction for next year. If I should stay with Big Picture, if I do, if I should take on a new group of 9th graders, or be a math specialist (that's what I'm praying for, but the job might not be in the budget). If I should try teaching math at a traditional school. If I should give teaching a break and pursue high school or college ministry or some other career.... lots to be thinking about... prayers are appreciated.
• In advisory, we've started a unit on discovering and defining dreams. Sounds wonderful in theory but I'm struggling with presenting it in a way that the kids are invested... and investment is the whole purpose for doing so.

Today's been a bad day so I'm feeling a bit down about my abilities to teach... so I probably shouldn't be writing anything else... cause that could get depressing.

But that's a quick update for you. Hopefully I'll have another good day soon and can write my reflections on that.

"So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees. Mark out a straight path for your feet so that those who are weak and lame will not fall but become strong." - Hebrews 12:12-13

Discontent

I have no idea what I think about education anymore. Working at a nontraditional school has definitely helped define my philosophy of teaching. I have learned the importance of getting to know each student thoroughly and letting them know a bit about you as well. I love the opportunity they have to become invested in education by being allowed to learn through their interest. I have seen that perhaps forcing kids to memorize, cram, and forget random facts without truly learning is not the best way to better our nation. I believe that learning cannot necessarily just be quantified in a percentage or letter grade, but that it is useful to have more meaningful assessments for students (like oral defenses of their work).

However, our school isn’t doing so hot at the moment and thus it has also made me doubt the things I thought I thought. Maybe there is a reason to having students practice test taking skills. Maybe, while they won’t always remember everything, they will at least have the confidence that they learned it at some point. Maybe it is easier for students to focus when they get to travel to different classrooms throughout the day and experience different teachers and styles instead of getting annoyed by the same voice all day long. And math… oohhhh math… students definitely need more than just random math lessons to learn the skills they need to master the basics.

I also have no idea what I think about classroom management. I have been faced with the most difficult students I will hopefully ever have to encounter; students who are completely disengaged with school and don’t even begin to know how to define respect. Students who I want to reward but who don’t exactly deserve it. I have terrible management in my classroom, yet I’ve tried so many different approaches. Is it better for that one student who is unaffected by discipline to be kicked out of school yet again, or is it better to love on them and try to see from their perspective, no matter how distorted it may be?

So not only am I confused about my classroom, but I’m confused about my life. What do I want to do next year? Do I stick with Big Picture and wait to see it through? Do I try teaching mathematics in a traditional setting? Do I work in some other capacity with Teach for America? Do I take a break from education and try something new? Youth ministry? Photography? Web design?

I was sitting in church this morning contemplating my worries and anxieties about my classroom and my future. Fall seems to be a contemplative season. But it’s amazing how God will continue to tug at my heart to just trust in Him. It’s ok if I feel confused, for He is not. Reid, our pastor, fittingly ended the sermon with this verse from Philippians 4:

“…for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I have learned the secret of living in every situation… for I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.”

How much does this entire blog post reveal my own discontent with where God has me in life? While Paul is talking more so about being able to live with riches or poverty and finding and rejoicing in the blessings that God gives and takes away, I was still very convicted. I am so discontent. I need to find my contentment in Him and let these wordly anxieties go.

Random

I wish I was one of those teachers who just had wonderful great ideas that I could share on my blog for others to steal. A friend of mine led me to a really great high school math blog: check it out if you want to be inspired by great math lessons. But alas... I am only a second year teacher at a very alternative high school and not really an expert at anything. Maybe some day if I pursue teaching after this adventure is over I will have more substance to share.

Just thought I'd share that blog... I enjoyed looking at... am slightly jealous that I don't have those wonderful ideas and even more slightly jealous that even if I did I wouldn't be able to teach them with the students I have.

My job is very cool. I will give you that. I get the opportunity on Tuesdays and Thursdays to visit my students at their internships sites throughout Newark (those of them who actually have them). I get to learn and experience all of their passions and interests. From photography to music production. From bicycle building to a rooftop garden. From seafood imports to mechanics. Now if only the Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays were equally as stimulating and exciting.

Sat in on one of my student's photography classes. I really do think I want to pursue that in some shape or form later in life.

This week was better. Not really sure why. I think I was in a better mood. God has been encouraging me through others and reminding me that he gave me the gift of teaching, even if I might not be doing it very well at the moment... but I'm not sure who could exactly do extremely well with my students. I feel like I need to call on all those great teachers whose lives get made into movies. Let them try and tackle these guys.

I think I decided on a potential direction for next year. I know it seems silly and I know I might change my mind, but I needed to have something to focus my life on. I am going crazy. I needed a hope, that if the year doesn't get better I have something else to look forward to. I think I do really want to give traditional teaching a go. Whether that be as a math specialist for Big Picture or a traditional high school math teacher in a different district, I think I might see how I do at that.

I will say that I will be sad to leave Big Picture if the day comes. While Newark is a mess, I do really believe in what they are trying to do.

So those are my random thoughts as I completely procrastinate from doing work... which is also another reason why I am not a perfect teacher writing blogs about my marvelous, flawless lesson plans.

Stay Positive

Today was another terrible horrible no good very bad day.

Students being disrespectful to me, others, themselves, cursing, terrible language, no work getting done, not a lot of learning happening... the list goes on. This is the first time that I almost lost it. I've cried before in school... but this time was almost the final straw.

On my drive home I didn't know whether to scream or cry. Instead of doing either, I decided to indulge and stop at Dunkin Donuts on the way home. Pumpkin donut and caramel iced latte.

As I drove, I reflected and thought.

(I've been wanting to type out some more posts dealing with the things God has been showing me, but I thought that this one might be more therapeutic at the moment.)

Not only has my advisory been ridiculous the past few weeks, but I have been more aware of the negative things going on. I zoom in on those things, which makes it just stressful and not any better for anyone. So as I was driving and reflecting on the terrible parent phone call that I had just made, I thought about how often I call parents for good things. And then I thought about how often I even feel that there are good things going on. There are very few moments when I've even smiled in school the past few weeks.

So I made a decision. Our advisory mantra is "Work hard. Stay positive. Move forward." I feel like I have been struggling, alongside my students, with staying positive. Lately my first reaction is almost always negative. This blog post is one of my solutions.

I am going to do my best to start blogging more about the good things that are happening. Even if they might be few and far between, I need to start sharing those more with people instead of the bad.

So here's the good that happened amongst the chaos of today:

• Several students were just as frustrated with the disrespect and the talking during advisory. Even some of the students who caused most of the problems would every once in awhile chime in with a serious, "C'mon guys, she's trying to talk."


• After I almost freaked out at them I had a student ask, "Nichole, are you ok?"


• While the majority of my students were participating in the weekly yoga session or doing independent work (or disrupting the weekly yoga session), two students sat and diligently got work completed in my classroom.


• We decided that this week instead of saying "Shut up!" to one another, we would use a more positive phrase like, "Please be quiet." Several students started using it by the end of the day (granted, they get positive points which turn into money that they can use as an advisory, but hey, it's a start)


• All of my students were present. (Even though one went home sick)

Not too much, but enough to keep me going.

I'm going to start practicing what I'm preaching to my kids and stay positive.

Affirmations

Things have been really rough at school. I dread lesson planning. I hate going in every morning. The students have just been so disrespectful to each other. It’s normal to hear them calling each other awful names and cursing. It’s tearing down the culture of the school and it’s beginning to tear at my heart. Seeing teenagers who have been beat and broken down their entire lives to the point where they are in survival mode is truly heartbreaking. No wonder they aren’t invested in school. Of course that doesn’t seem to matter much when they don’t know where they will be tomorrow.

I thought I had a genius idea. When I visited Camden’s Big Picture school, MetEast, last Friday for staff development, I was inspired. They are a 6-year-old Big Picture school in NJ, facing similar problems. While I think we have a bit more blocking our road to success, it was still good to see an example of what we are working toward. As I sat in on an advisory, the students were sharing their “affirmations” for the week. Their advisor required them to write down and encourage themselves and their peers with “I will” statements. I loved this. So I thought I would have a heart to heart discussion with my students on Friday about having a motto of affirmation for our advisory.

The conversation went something like this: I had them journal about how they wanted to be remembered. Many of them said these great things, like wanting to be a master chef, or own their own business, or for having done something heroic. I then tried to have them connect the attainment of their dreams with the need to start acting positive and respectful in class. Unfortunately, there is no such connection in their minds.

They tried to convince me that by saying things like “Shut up,” “F*** you,” “Nigga,” “B**ch,” and by bullying and making fun of and hitting each other, they were just showing that they are friends.

One student said something like, “Nichole, you just don’t understand. We aren’t hurting each other by saying these things. Why are you trying to make us do things your way? We aren’t going to change. We don’t mind, do we guys?”

My heart broke.

I tried again to discuss the need to affirm each other and affirm themselves instead of saying negative things. Almost every time a student speaks, another one will negate what they say or tear down their idea. Never once have I heard a student be applauded or encouraged for doing the right thing by another peer. I wanted them to see that in advisory we aren’t on the streets. We are in a professional, positive setting. No go.

I managed to have them come up with a motto. They decided on, “Work Hard. Stay Positive. Move Forward.” While good things did come of the conversation and several students were honest about being hurt and feeling bullied, I was not very encouraged. I actually felt the tears well up as I watched these young teenagers who God loves so much really truly not even have a concept of what love is. Yes, I was calling it respect, but when it comes down to it, we really need to love one another. They don’t see the need for that. It’s completely out of their vocabulary.

So I’m not too sure where to go from here. I’m struggling with lesson planning. What’s the use of trying to get these kids up to speed academically when they really aren’t that invested in graduating? Their thought is, “Yeah, it would be nice,” but for many of them it’s a basket that they haven’t exactly put all of their eggs into.

I guess the only thing to do from here is to keep working hard, trying to stay as positive as possible, and move forward into a new week, praying God will reach the hearts of my students. Unfortunately, I'm finding it harder and harder to have my own uplifting affirmations as the setting of an inner city school is wearing on my soul.

Perfection

I am so very far from being the perfect teacher. The teenagers who I have the pleasure to see every day are so far from being perfect students. And yet, for some reason I expect perfection in my classroom. This year I have set my expectations high, yet a bit too high for any human to meet. I have put all of my energy into my lesson planning and into trying to run a manageable classroom. But what have I gotten in return? Stress, anxiety, sickness, probably high blood pressure, and tears, as day in and day out for the past few weeks my hopes and expectations have been far from met. As the Teacher in Ecclesiastes discovered through his searching,

“I soon discovered that God has dealt a tragic existence to the human race. I observed everything going on under the sun, and really, it is all meaningless – like chasing the wind.

What is crooked cannot be made straight.

What is lacking cannot be counted.” – Ecclesiastes 1:14-15

Discouragement overcame my good intentions. It seemed that the more I tried, the more I was greeted with disappointment and seeming failure. As people even tried to encourage me with words of “I couldn’t do what you’re doing,” and “I would have quit by now if I were you,” I wondered why the heck I was still even trying. What’s the point?

But in my feelings of hopelessness, God continued to confront me these past few days in interesting ways. Through loneliness and tears, in thunderstorms and darkness, by encouragement from friends and unintentional words from staff members, in today’s sermon on Ecclesiastes, God has convicted me.

I have been running a race towards perfection. But for what? I kept pushing my students and myself beyond our limits, but for what? I’m not really even sure what the answer to that question is anymore. I was trying with my own strength. I knew I needed to give my burden to God, but I was too stubborn to actually realize what that even means.

This weekend God has slowly shown light on the darkness that I was letting envelope me. The more I try to reach perfection on my own terms, the more I am going to fail. The more I try to find satisfaction in my work alone, the more disappointed I will become. It all boils down to Christ on the cross, dying for me. Dying so that I don’t need to carry this burden. Dying so He sees me as perfect through no good work of my own.

The Teacher in Ecclesiastes comes to the conclusion in Chapter 2 that “there is nothing better than to enjoy food and drink and to find satisfaction in work…. These pleasures are from the hand of God. For who can eat or enjoy anything apart from him?” There is a deeper meaning to what I am doing in Newark. I might not see it right now, but I need to trust that He has me there for a purpose and that by putting my hope and expectation in Him, I will never be disappointed. Instead of looking to satisfaction from my work, I simply need to turn my gaze instead to the hope found in God’s promise of salvation.

Instead of trying to reach perfection by the world’s terms, I need to revel in the fact that, because of Christ’s sacrifice, I am being made perfect. I am perfect in Christ! What a relief, what a comfort, what an amazing act of grace.

“For God’s will was for us to be made holy by the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ, once for all time… our High Priest offered himself to God as a single sacrifice for sins, good for all time. Then he sat down in the place of honor at God’s right hand. There he waits until his enemies are humbled and made a footstool under his feet. For by that one offering he forever made perfect those who are being made holy.” – Hebrews 10:10, 12-14

I can stop running in circles trying to attain perfection on my own and I can start running toward Christ and trusting that one day He will indeed complete the work He started in me and bring me to complete perfection.

“I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have no achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead. I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.” – Philippians 4:12-14

Praise be to God for His mercy, love, and grace. I remember coming to a point similar to this when I served for a summer in Jamaica. God brought me to the place where I knew that it didn't matter if I saw the fruit of my work. Instead what mattered was trusting that He would make Everything Glorious. I'm praying as I go into this week that I can place my hope in the only place where it can be satisfied.

Questions?

Is there a point where you should just give up? When is enough just plain enough? Does that point ever come? Is a young teenager ever too far beyond help? What happens when the star student who did so well last year has stopped training for boxing, stopped hanging out with his mentor, stopped going to church and reverted back to his terrible street behavior? What happens when everything you say in advisory is completely shot down and your students argue with you about everything you’ve spent so long planning? What do you do when students absolutely refuse to do the work? What do you do when they stop coming to school? Do you give up? How many chances do you give them? I know that personally I’ve learned to forgive people when they sin against me, but what about students who are making choices toward failure? What do you do when the students just don’t care? How do you get through to them? How do you continue to stand and try to teach them when they aren’t listening? What do you do when parents have given up on their children? Do you just walk away from them? Do you give up? Do you try harder? How hard do you continue to give? Do you try hard enough to get your own story made into a touching “wonderful teacher who changes the odds and it all comes to a tear-jerking happy ending for each student involved?” Do those teachers actually affect EACH student like that? Is that even possible to turn around the lives of every single student? Do you try for that? Do you settle for one? Do you settle for none but just be satisfied that you tried? Do you stay sane by searching for a new job for next year? Do you put your all into the one you have? What do you do when you feel like you just can’t go on? What do you do?

What am I supposed to do?

First Days

I have successfully completed my first two days of school of my second year of teaching. Phew. I'm exhausted. I'm finding this year a challenge once again already, yet for different reasons than the last. Last year was just flat out horrible. Our lack of resources, having students who didn't actually want to be there and weren't invested in our school, the craziness of having 4 brand new teachers try to start a brand new school in a crazy district.

This year the stress has been different. We didn't find out our entire staff until the day before school started. We still are lacking resources but at least we have some semblence of academic "classrooms." We have more authority since we are now an in-district charter school versus being a mere program in the department of alternative education. So things are better. I know more, I have a year of "teaching" (if that's what you want to call it) under my belt. I have a much better understanding of Big Picture's innovative and radical philosophy on education.

Yet knowing more is both a blessing and a curse. I understand and was able to better prepare, but I am also not as naively hopeful that things will work out just right. Unfortunately, I'm a bit of a perfectionist, and as I'm being reminded again this year, being a teacher also means being able to have some flexibility to your plans. This is a work in progress.

I will admit that I started my year off being miserable. I made myself miserable. I've been stuck in a negative attitude for the past few weeks. It's been hard to get myself out of that. The first day went better than I could have ever imagined. Almost all of my students showed up (11 of the now 13 that I have, yes, my class doubled in size because we combined the 11th and 12th graders). They were all well-behaved. They gave me their full attention. They did as asked. They didn't curse or throw things or talk back. The day went relatively smoothly. And yet, as the students were leaving I almost couldn't hold back the tears of frustration and discouragement, both of which had no real cause.

Today was equally as amazing. Had a few absent students, but those who showed up were basically picture perfect students. They tried hard, they participated in discussions and activities. They even worked in groups, which was something that I never succeeded at last year. So I should feel ecstatically enthused that the year is starting off on such a good note. Yet I'm not. And I have no idea why.

Maybe it's just the season of life that I'm in. I know that God has not been revealing Himself to me in the same obvious ways that He has in the past. I struggle with prayer and with connecting and really feeling Him with me. We are starting a sermon series at Jacob's Well on Ecclesiastes, which I'm pumped about since it deals with the idea of seasons of life and living in a world that is temporary. Whatever the cause of my stagnancy, whatever the purpose, I know that I need to continue to trust in the Lord. I need to work on finding joy in any situation and focusing on seeing the way He is working through me, rather than on all the things that I cannot do on my own. Thankfully He uses me despite my weaknesses and faults and sin. That thought alone brings me to my knees.

Reminded

Here it is... the long-awaited post.

Where to even begin? Summer was crazy. Moving. Pittsburgh. Camp. NJ. Baptism. Myrtle Beach. NJ. Rhode Island. Jamaica. Indiana. and back to Jersey. School starts next week. I'm so not ready for this.

As I have been heading back into the cloud of stress that surrounds our school (case in point: we don't even know who all the staff with be yet and school starts in 6 days), I've already begun to struggle with keeping my sanity. I have also been struggling with negativity. It seems that no matter what wonderful things God is blessing me with, I continue to see the worst. This is a new experience and I'm not a huge fan.

So I had hoped to be able to share some profound lessons learned this summer with all my travels, I had wanted to be able to type out a marvelous blog post that would get everyone thinking and bring glory to God. And yet God always amazes me. This time it's with His simple love and His quiet whisperings. Through all the lessons He has taught me in my short walk on this earth, I seem to be prone to forgetting them all. Yet as I continued to go from place to place this summer, God continued to remind me of His love. As I walked through the wooded trails of camp, as I carried on conversations with old friends, as I hugged my mom, as I felt the sun on the beach and listened to the waves, as I returned to the dirt roads of the heart of Jamaica, as I sat on the dock overlooking the ocean, as I got to experience the viewpoint above the clouds so many times, God simply reminded me to trust, to have faith, to love, to rest in Him. So simple. So powerful.

I guess, then, that He has reminded me that not only will He use me to bring Him glory, but He will be working within me, doing infinitely more to my own heart and mind than I could have ever realized. No matter what season of my life, no matter how far or near I feel to God, I am reminded to trust that He is working my life, that He has indeed planned out each day before the world even began, that He loves me and is guiding me along the path of His will. Praise be to God for His faithfulness even when I am weak and stubborn.

I am so full of sin, and yet He is powerful and washes all those sins away. I am clean through the blood of Christ. I get the opportunity to wake up each morning and start again. No matter what I had forgotten today or how cranky or negative I was, I will be clean.

"Satisfy us each morning with Your unfailing love, so we may sing for joy to the end of our lives." - Psalm 90:14

Home

I have called many places "home" in my life.

My family has never moved. They are still living in the same house I was brought home to as a newborn. Having called that place home for 18 years of life definitely puts it pretty permanently in the "home" category. Yet, as I have grown older and started living my life, that home has become more of a memory, a nostalgic place of childhood.

College wasn't quite "home" for awhile. Living in dorms gives off the feeling of the temporary. I lived in a dorm room for 3 years, as a freshman, and as an RA for the next two. Senior year was a surprise blessing. Living with women who know me better than I know myself. Women who were foundational to my growth as a Christian and as a human being in general. Women who I miss deeply. Women who managed to make a college lifestyle feel like home. Leaving campus last year was harder than I ever expected it to be. College became a place of fellowship, a place where God had shaped and changed me, the place that I see in my mind as I think of those who are dearest to me.

Between the college years I spent my summers serving in different places. First was camp. Camp will always be home. On any given day when I'm near some trees with the sun shining and the wind blowing just right, I can close my eyes and see that mountaintop. I can remember sitting on the logs around the campfires, singing praises, loving campers, learning some of the most valuable lessons of my life. I still miss camp. It was hard moving on from that place. I still get excited when I get to return, even for a visit.

One summer, God called me away from the home and restful refuge I had found from camp. He called me to a place that would stretch me and change the course of my life. He called me to a little town in the middle of Jamaica. Harmons. I have never met with God like I have in the small valley between the mountains of that island. Seeing Him in children running and playing in clothes soiled by the red, bauxite dirt. Hearing Him in conversations with the people there. Experiencing Him in the teams who came to serve. Listening to Him on the top of the mountain. Resting in Him at the edge of the bright, blue, clear ocean. Jamaica and the people of Harmons Valley will always hold a place in my heart.

And then I graduated. And then I moved to New Jersey. Those who knew me well last year knew how much I did NOT want to come to NJ... this place was far from my expected placement, completely in the wrong direction that I was imagining my future. But God called, and so I followed His voice.

Living in Newark. Teaching in Newark. Being in Newark. The stress, the hopeless feeling, the city noises... While living with two wonderful roomates who were going through the same struggles of being a first year teacher in an innercity school, I continued to remind myself that I only had to be there for two years. But then a light shined about 25 minutes down the NJ Turnpike in the community of Jacob's Well. God reminded me of His joy, peace, and hope. He used this new family to strengthen and encourage me. Year one ended.

And that brings us up to now. Last night at 12:30am, I carried the last of my belongings into my new apartment with two amazing ladies whom I love so much. After a stressful few days of moving, yet filled with the blessings of friends who were willing to serve and carry heavy things for me, I finally got to sleep in my own bed in my new room. And right before I fell asleep, it hit me. This is home.

So this morning, as I woke up still tired (it's been awhile since I've been woken up by birds singing... usually it's trains, trucks, or sirens) I was completely overwhelmed with thankfulness. I am so grateful and filled with joy at this new place to do every day ministry and these new apartment-mates who have already encouraged and loved me.

This summer is going to be nuts. I am getting the opportunity to visit the many homes that I've had throughout my life... but what excites me the most and fills me with peace, is knowing that after all my summer travels, I will have this place to come home to.

Reflection

I’m a big fan of reflecting (beware, this is a long post). I think that through reflection you can focus on your strengths and weaknesses so that you become stronger and perhaps learn from your mistakes. Reflection also has the tendency to bring me face to face with how God’s working in my life.

So as this school year is wrapping up, what exactly have I accomplished? What have I learned? Here are a few of my reflections all jumbled and not necessarily in any order (here I go again with my lists):

• Change and transitions in life are hard and sometimes frightening, but we grow the most when we are pruned, broken, and struggling
• I never want to go through TFA’s summer training Institute ever again
• I am never alone
• (North) Jersey drivers don’t make left hand turns, they honk if you don’t gas it the moment a light turns green, and they enjoy passing you on the right on a highway.
• Apparently saying “unless if” is grammatically incorrect, unless if it’s an instance where it’s ok ;)
• The Newark Public School system needs a serious makeover
• Nissan Altimas are the easiest cars to steal according to my students, followed closely by Jeeps
• Stolen credit cards can be cancelled and replaced
• God gave us a Sabbath day of rest for a reason
• I am a very organized person who enjoys making spreadsheets and graphic organizers
• I really don’t enjoy lesson planning, but am starting to get better at it
• My immune system was defeated by Newark (but don’t worry, I’m sure I will find victory next year)
• I’m not perfect and sometimes I can’t always do everything at once.
• Students need things completely broken down for them, step by step… seriously… like broken down to the teeniest thing, especially when it’s something they’ve never experienced before.
• God is good and more than worthy of our trust, hope, and praise.
• God has been answering so many prayers and strengthening me in moments when I didn’t have anything left.
• The Lord does indeed go before me and follow me… He has the path of my life clearly marked and is ready to carry me when I lack the strength to get out of bed
• Education is important but we can’t always quantify learning in percentages and letter grades based on a content class.
• If nothing else, I taught my students what it means to reflect and the importance of being honest about their successes and mistakes.
• You don’t always see the fruit of your work, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t any. That also doesn’t mean that God isn’t working through you.
• Joy is not dependent on circumstance. Peace of heart and mind and abundant joy are found in Christ alone and in the hope He brings, not in human actions

I think that’s a pretty good list :)

So today I had a professional development day with the entire Newark Big Picture staff from each of the 3 schools that opened this year. Talk about surreal. We gathered as a professional cohort back at the place where we began. We once had excited smiles and energetic ideas, we were “bright eyed and bushy tailed.” Now we all seem to just be worn and tired. It’s been a long year for everyone.

The more I look back on journal entries and twitter tweets, I really am hit with the fact that it’s been a very rough, emotional year for me as well. I worked harder this year than any time I can ever remember. I have been more discouraged than ever before. And in all honesty, it really hasn’t been that extremely rewarding. There are things I know I could have done better. There are many things that happened that I had no control over, but I don’t really have the sense of accomplishment I was expecting.

Yet on top of all of the bad moments, behind all the tears, I really am amazed at God’s goodness and at the ways He strengthened me. He blessed me with a wonderful family and network of friends from college who were there to support me when I thought I was alone. He placed moments together so that I could find Jacob’s Well and be filled with fellowship and encouragement. This year I have truly seen glimpses of His Kingdom in a church full of love, a group of believers who I feel like I’ve known forever, a part of His body that I have somehow always been waiting to join.

Who would’ve thunk it? I enjoy living in New Jersey. I love the people I have grown to know. It’s been an interesting new adventure. Thinking back, I find that I’ve been pretty negative and down-trodden this year, especially with my job. Yet as I have mentioned in many of my other posts, I am absolutely, completely amazed and astonished at how I can see God’s hand working through it all. I know that my life here is just beginning and I’m excited to see what tomorrow brings.

Checklists

Nichole's list of things to get done sometime relatively soonish within the next month or so:

• Take down and pack up classroom [CHECK!]
• Neatly finish up the year with my students and make sure everything is done (grades, corrected assignments, etc..) [ALMOST CHECK!]
• Begin next year's planning of creating a curriculum for Alg I and Geometry so that next year isn't quite the mess that it was this year
• Begin next year's planning for my own advisory by creating an end of year goal/end of quarter goals so that next year isn't quite the mess that it was this year
• Wash/dry clean all my professional clothes [CHECK!]
• Pack up apartment [in progress CHECK!]
• Slowly start to move all of my belongings [CHECK!]
• Find truck to move large furniture [CHECK! I've also recruited several strong men to help me move]
• Actually move all of my things [CHECK!]
• Get settled in the new apartment after moving all of my things [in progress]
• Make sure I switch my address for all those important adult things so my bills come to the right place
• Finally get around to getting a Jersey license
• Figure out all my travel plans since I'm going everywhere this summer: New apartment, Pittsburgh, visiting camp somewhere in there, Ohio for Luke and Amanda's wedding, back to Jersey to be baptized, down to Myrtle Beach with the fam, back to Jersey to finish moving and having a visit from Lynn (hopefully!), Rhode Island for Big Picture training, back to Jersey to start lesson planning, Jamaica, back to Jersey for the start of training, maybe travelling to Indiana to accompany some guy ;) then back to Jersey, finally back to school...
• Start exercising again cause I'm way out of shape [in progress]
• Read some books/novels to figure out what I want to read with my students next year

I'm going to stop there...

Can you tell that I am secretly a Type-A person? Ha... so it might not be so secret... While not completely a bad thing, there are some downfalls. For the past 2 years I've been trying to overcome the negatives that come with this personality type. The main one being what has been happening to me today. I often spend a lot of time creating checklists of things to do and planning out my day minute by minute... but it's not always good. Most often doing this leads to stress and becoming just flat out overwhelmed. Thoughts of my to-do lists end up stopping me from getting good sleep.

So as my morning quickly became frazzled today, I took a moment to stop and realize that

1. I'm still kind of sick and don't want to push myself too far
2. There's no need to stress myself out like that and finally
3. I hadn't even stopped to spend time with my Father

A.J. often quotes a Proverb that says something along the lines of "A man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps."

Psalm 139 tells us that the Lord goes before us and follows after us, that He knew every moment of our lives before a single day had passed.

In Matthew 6, Jesus tells us not to worry about tomorrow or about all the little details... rather, take it one day at a time.

That is incredible and that is what I need to trust. I can make checklists galore. I can stress myself til there's no tomorrow. But there's really no point in that, is there? I could lay out my entire summer, but I really have no control over the way it goes. I could get sick yet again, a flight might be delayed, a car might break down. There are infinite events that could occur that could completely throw my entire checklist into the paper shredder. So why stress?

Checklists aren't necessarily bad. I like being about to cross things off. It makes me feel accomplished. I like writing things down so that I will remember that I need to do them. But having this characteristic of a Type A personality becomes bad when we let these things start to worry us. Just like many things in life, checklists aren't bad in and of themselves... they only become a problem when we let them come between us and our Creator, when we allow them to steal our focus, when we give them the foothold of taking away our peace and joy.

I definitely learned this lesson several years ago after spending a summer in Jamaica. During that time I really was hit with what's important in life and what it looks like to keep my eyes on Christ throughout every moment of my life.... almost 2 years of life back in the U.S. has pushed that lesson to the back of my mind.... time to pull it to the front again.

Frustration

I am ridiculously frustrated. I am frustrated with our lack of resources (it took them 5 months to give us the space we needed, there's one door out of 4 classrooms, we have no text books, no reading materials, no curriculum access, nothing). I am frustrated with our lack of students (I am down to 5). I'm frustrated that we have no discipline policy (because we're under alternate ed, our principle does not have the authority to actually discipline students). I'm frustrated with the low morale of the staff, including my own. I'm frustrated that Big Picture started a school in Newark with a nontraditional philosophy without making sure that everything that was needed was in place. I'm frustrated that grades are due this week but we still have a full week and 2 days left to do something with students who don't want to be here. I'm frustrated that we did not hit our goals. I'm frustrated that I did not teach my students much academically. I'm frustrated that I am losing motivation. I'm frustrated that I didn't get to teach much math and I'm even more frustrated that it's basically my fault that I didn't do so. I'm frustrated that our school goes from 11:20-5:40 because I'm always exhausted and don't ever feel like doing anything afterwards. I'm frustrated that my students go through so many struggles at home and on the streets and there's nothing I can do to help them. I'm frustrated that this world is so full of sin and that we, as humans, caused it/chose it. I become more and more frustrated that my students have to live in this world and that they were not raised to find hope.

But I am thankful that there is hope. I'm thankful that Christ is returning some day to rescue us from this broken world. I'm thankful that God also feels this heartbreak, infinity-fold and is crying with us. I'm thankful for God's unfailing love for both me and my students. I'm thankful that He is unchanging. I'm thankful that He gives me strength when I'm ready to give up. I'm thankful that He hears my prayers and answers them. I'm thankful for His promises, in which I can place my hope. I'm thankful for the blessings He has given me. I'm thankful for friends from the past and friends that He continues to place in my path. I'm thankful that He brought me to New Jersey and has a purpose through all of this, even if I might never see it. I'm thankful for fellowship and the church. I'm ridiculously thankful for Jacob's Well and the overwhelming encouragement and joy I find in my brothers and sisters there.

I'm thankful for the work we are called to here on this earth.

I'm thankful that we each have a purpose and that we are able to delight and rejoice in the Lord.

I'm thankful that I am forgiven.

I'm thankful that God is greater than my frustrations.

Joy

I have a tendency to focus on what still needs to get done. For example, I’m awful at procrastinating. In college, I could never relax until I had finished my checklist of homework or papers. I was the nerdy student who would be getting work done early Saturday morning in the library so it would be over and done with. I would have papers finished at least one week in advance. I do not work well under pressure. I crack.

Because of this habit of mine, I find that it leads to a lot of negative thinking in life at times, especially at school or with friends. At school, I find that I automatically focus in on the students who are doing poorly. I see their potential. I see where they need to be. And I can’t rest until they succeed. But I’m coming to realize that I might never see that fruit. With friends, I often get cranky when things don’t go the way I want. If I really want to hang out and fellowship and it doesn’t happen the way I expect, I lose my joy.

God has been convicting me lately that I cannot and should not rely on anyone other than Him for my happiness, which is something that I have been falling into the habit of doing. He is my source of joy. I’m reading a book at the moment, “One Thing,” by Sam Storms, with A.J. (we’ve only made it through the first chapter), but it has already been a nice reminder that our sole purpose in this life is to glorify God. We accomplish this by rejoicing and finding joy in His holiness, His perfection, His creation, His love.

I love the last big talk that Jesus has with his disciples before his crucifixion. In John 14-17, he speaks with them about remaining in His love, finding truth in the coming Spirit, and asking for things in His name. He promises that when we do these things we fill find incredible, abundant joy.

It seems so simple. Just love and be thankful and then joy will come. While it’s not always simple to follow through with, I have had moments in life where I have experienced this wonderful glorious gift.

So why can’t I do it now? Why do I dread coming to work some days? Why does it throw my entire day off when my students don’t show up or are especially difficult? Why do I hate driving back to Newark after days of fellowship? Why can’t I rejoice in the blessings that God has given me? Why is it hard to focus on the positive?

This is becoming a rather long post, so I will end it shortly. I haven’t posted in awhile because I didn’t want to post more frustrations or complaints. I was waiting for something exciting to happen at school to share. But silly me has been completely ignorant of all the little blessings going on every day.

One I would like to share with you is from this week.

My bright and shining student, Nate, whom I have mentioned before, continues to amaze me, and yet I fail to recognize this as a fruit of the work God has been doing through me. My students just had their final presentations this past week (even though we still have 2 and a half weeks left) and it was a pretty big deal for my 10th graders. Long story short, there are 2 Gateway presentations they have to get through. One now, one in December 2010. This first one is an assessment of where they are and where they will need to be by December in order to pass officially into 11th grade. My students were supposed to be audience members for each other for support. Nate was the only one to come to all of them. During one of the feedback sections, this is something that Nate said to another student:

“I always told you that you reminded me of myself. I used to do the same thing and get distracted easily… I want you to know that everyone has potential, especially you… I knew you could do it… that would make me sad myself to see you fail… you’re like my little brother, I want you to do better…. I want you to head on the right path… because you can do it, man…. I just wanted to let you know that you can do it… don’t get distracted, just do it… homework might get boring, but you need it. And I’ll be there for you… I’ll call you… I’m here man… if anything, just call me.”

Praise God for the work He has done in Nate’s heart.

Praise God that I can rejoice in His amazing works.

Thorns and Fruit

My students like to leave school without permission. It's like they're trying to run away from school. Today I had 5 students. Now only 2 are left. (Ok so 2 of them actually had permission, but it's still frustrating when even 1 of them keeps leaving, although he actually just walked back through the door, who knows where he's been for the past 2 hours).

I feel their pain. I wish I could run away. This place is hard. It pushes us into something deeper. This year has caused a lot of struggle, failure, and the gap in education that still isn't filled to stare us in the face. People don't generally like to take the "road less traveled." The path where their friends and family have gone before is much more attractive. The path that causes the least resistance is the one they choose. The path of not really caring about failure, which leads to just that, is easy because you don't have to try. And as I stand here on a meager dirt path with briars and thorns pushing in on every side pretty much alone watching my students break off the path I'm trying to lead them to for the highway of fallen dreams, my heart continues to break. My mind is screaming out the question, "Why the heck am I still trying? What on earth am I doing here?" The majority of my students won't even be back next year. They hate Big Picture. They hate our school. They hate being pushed. So what's the point?

Morale is low. It feels like everyone is abandoning ship.

Now I'm just being dramatic, but I had some nice imagery in there, didn't I?

Even as I wallow in my self-pity and type out this post, God is bringing a verse to my mind.

"I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener. He will cut off every branch of mine that doesn't produce fruit and he will prune the ones that do bear fruit so they will produce even more." - John 15.

Struggling through this year, being torn to shreds by the thorns poking and scratching me at every side... that's a bit like pruning. And I guess when it all comes down to it I know I'm learning, I know God wants me here, I trust that He is doing something greater. It just seriously gets so easy to forget through all the obstacles that are in the way. I'm focused so much on my frustration that I forget to look ahead to His promise. I might never see the fruit of all this work, but I can trust God's promise that He "chose me and appointed me to produce lasting fruit."

Pruning hurts. I don't know if that's what's going on here, but it definitely is emotionally painful and tiring. But despite the thorns in my path, I do know that there is fruit ahead, whether I get to see it or not.

I definitely started this post frustrated and ready to give up... but I'm so glad that God has reasoned through my typing and turned that sadness to thankfulness and joy that He's got it covered... no matter how bad it sucks at the moment.

Thanks for reading my stream of thoughts and feelings. It definitely helped me out.

Horses

"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink."

I need to remind myself of this reality every day so that I don't get completely overwhelmed with my job. Every day I go into school and prepare myself for whatever might come my way. Usually it's frustration. As the school year is coming to a close (we only have a month and a half left) I feel like I get more and more discouraged as my students do not live up to their potential. The days are filled with whining attitudes and disrespect as I only try to help push them in their education. Lies abound and makes trusting my students hard. All I want to do is trust them, and sometimes I do so naively and later find that I was completely lied to. This year has been difficult, and some days make that much more apparent than others.

The thing that has probably made it the hardest is that I take my students failures onto myself. It's hard not to do so. I want so many great things for them. I can see their potential, and it's so ridiculously disheartening when they don't see what I see in them and continue to make choices that are not going to lead to good places.

One student who really comes to mind is Stu. Stu is good at saying what needs to be said without actually meaning it. Stu has lied to me time and again. He gets mad and defensive when I don't trust what he says, and yet he has never given me any reason to trust him. And it's hard, because most people at the school have given up on him, but I just can't bring myself to do that. I can see how smart he is. He's good at math and great with words and speaking. He wants to be a forensic scientist, but he has lost hope that that will actually happen. It hurts my heart to see the choices he makes.

It's days like these when Stu's actions just tear down my spirit that it becomes so easy to take on this burden myself. I know I shouldn't, but I do. And so I need to remind myself that I can do everything in my power to lead these kids to success, but I can't force them to do anything, and I can't blame myself when they don't do what I want. I can just love them and pray for them and trust that God's plan is at work. After all, isn't that what God does for us?

Focal Point

I shouldn't be awake and typing right now... I'm not feeling well and I've been hoping in vain for the past week to get to bed early... but as I was spending some time with my Bible and a cup of tea I was hit with my selfishness. And I couldn't shake it so I thought I would type a bit to release the thoughts tumbling through my mind that will no doubt keep me awake anyway.

I'm selfish. The past week I have done nothing but think of myself and my own desires and my own wants. My prayers have been so limited to me me me me me... and God finally managed to break through my stream of literal "self" consciousness to get me refocused.

I'm trying to get my students to write persuasive essays. Their goal is to persuade me that they deserve to get through Gateway (a monumental binder/essay/presentation mix that happens at the end of 10th grade year) to move on to Senior Institute (11th and 12th grade). As I'm trying to teach them about writing and specifically about a thesis statement, I keep trying to get them to refocus on their main goal... showing that they have grown and possess the personal qualities needed for passing into 11th grade. Their presentation, their essay, their work, should all be toward that one goal.... that should be their focal point.

Which brings me to think about the thesis for my life. What is the main point? What am I focusing on? The simple answer that I try to tell myself is God. But is that really what I'm doing? Is that really how I'm living out my life? Sure I'm doing this hard job that no one else thinks they could do and teaching inner city that makes me sound like I'm some hero, which I'm totally and completely not. Just as my students have the tendency to go off on non-related subjects in their writing, I too am composing this narrative of my life that has a thesis statement of loving and bringing glory to God but is really just all these little side stories about my own worldly selfishness. I don't want to some day stand before my Maker and turn in my essay and Him go through and not find that focal point throughout it all.
And yet, the beauty of all of this and this entire post is that because I am His, because He chose me, because He loves me, He always finds a way to bring me back to Him if I'm willing to listen. Tonight, thank Him, He managed to get through. I pray that I can refocus. That by looking to Him in all that I do, serving others will become a joy that is Spirit-centered, not me-centered. I want Him to be glorified in the work He has blessed me with and through the relationships He has given me. Let me never lose focus on His sacrifice, grace, and love.

Birthday

When I first got to New Jersey back in August, I really struggled with the whole transition. I had absolutely wonderful friends from college... friends who I could never ever replace. They are the reason I am who I am today. I miss them all so incredibly much. This time last year I was getting ready to graduate from college and leave that great fellowship that God had blessed me with... never in a million years did I think I would ever find another piece of the body of Christ as encouraging and uplifting as they had been.

And yet, God in His incredible love has continued to give me so much more than I could have ever asked for. It's been less than a year since I've come into this new chapter of my life and in only a few short months, God gave me that fellowship I never expected to have again so soon. As my birthday weekend rolled around, I was continually touched by the thoughtfulness of these marvelous people who have known me for so few of my 23 years. Yet they went through so much trouble to make my birthday full of love. We went to Central Park, we partied at the Vazquez's, we had funfetti cupcakes, we spent time outside, we spent time with our Lord. It was a refreshing weekend.

So I'm writing this post as a request from Becks who has shared my past 4 birthdays with me. It was definitely weird not having my two closest friends in the whole world by my side, but don't worry... I was well taken care of ;)

I could spend time giving details, like how we spent tons of time trying to get to Central Park and get food for a picnic or how we stayed up late laughing at ridiculous youtube videos... but I think I just want to leave you with a thought. On Sunday in church we were reminded of the importance of the Sabbath and of taking a day to not just be lazy and do nothing, but to really rest in God. So as the second day in my birthday weekend passed by, myself and Rachel, Liz, and Jon headed to some random park just because it was beautiful outside. We found a field. We frollicked and ended up sprawling out in the grass where it was peaceful and quiet. Jon read Scripture, and as I reflected on how I had let myself get stressed and so focused on my own selfish desires the past few weeks I was reminded of the peace and joy that comes from God's rest. I have really missed being able to be out in nature and it was the recharging that I needed.

So as I lay there listening to Jon read and watching the clouds and the trees in the distance, I was reminded of how good God really is. How great is His love for us. He died for me. He has been guiding my life and blessing me in ways that bring Him glory. My heart was filled with Him and I just rested. "Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back and praise." I pray that my heart can be filled with praise and joy in my rest and in my work. It's so silly when I get so worried and stop trusting in Him. He has continued to be faithful and good and He really does make it easy to completely rely on Him when we let all the other worldly worries that fill our minds go.

It was a good birthday weekend.

Royalty

So I really didn't think I would be blogging this often, but I just really wanted to share my day.

This week has been kind of rough. Monday was a perfect day (as I already mentioned) and then the rest of the week kind of went downhill as far as attendance and student productivity. Today was Thursday. I was bracing myself for what would probably continue to be a frustrating day as my students make choices that don't exactly put them on the path to success. Tuesdays and Thursdays at our school are internship days, so the students SHOULD be out on their internships and I SHOULD be able to go around and visit them and watch them learning and push them to go deeper with their projects. As you can guess, that has not exactly happened yet... I guess something to look forward to in the future.

Anyway, today started out as expected as one of my students ditched me again and didn't show up as I waited early in the morning to take him to his internship. Deep breath. But as the day went on, God continued to show me His goodness. I ended up taking that student anyway even though he was very late, and had a good conversation on the way. When I got back to the school at 12:30 I was greeted by one of my students who is just soaring (let's call him Nate). Nate has been a star shining in the darkness of struggle. He was even asked to speak at a Big Picture Symposium this evening. He came to school dressed professionally in a button down shirt and slacks. He had his notecards and he had been practicing all morning. He was ready. And it made me smile a bit.

Before heading to the Robert Treat Hotel, where the Symposium was being held, we stopped by his internship and set-up his project. Then I took him to Burger King for lunch (fancy huh?) and he actually started asking me about church. It was awesome. We talked about denominations and the Bible. It was a good lunch (praise God). Then it was time to head to the dinner.

So this part of the story isn't very exciting. Nate was nervous, but he did a good job. He was proud of his short 10-minute speech about his life story. He was critical of his mistakes, as he always is. He was looking to me for support, encouragement, and approval, and I was happy to give it to him. But I want to jump to the end of the night...


As we were leaving and we were walking out to the car, I asked Nate how his dinner was (he sat at the other end of the table and I could see he was uncomfortable for most of the evening since it was such a new environment for him) so I was expecting him to say it was boring and he didn't want to go back to the workshops being held tomorrow.

Instead he replied, "I had a really great time." Surprise.

Then I thought about it. After some more discussion I asked him if he had ever been to such a fancy dinner before. He said that he couldn't remember if he had and that he "felt like a king."

The smile on his face made me realize that all of this is totally worth it.

Grace

What a day. Woke up earlier than normal to meet a student to take him to his internship. He doesn't show. I get a flat tire. The day continues and my frustration builds as almost every one of my students tells me they're refusing to go to their internships (which we all worked our butts off to get them) because they're bored there and they just don't want to go. Deep breath. Students struggling with emotional home lives. Students dealing with depression. Another deep breath. Two of my students have been kicked out/dropped from the program. Gigantic deep breath. And all I can think is how awesome yesterday was (the 5 students who showed up were perfect pictures of what Big Picture students should be: doing work, participating in discussions, etc..)... and then I get even more frustrated. Why can't they just continue to make good decisions? Why do I feel like I'm the only one who cares about them doing well? How do you convince a student that he has potential when throughout his entire life he's been told he will fail? Days like today make me want to throw in the towel.

What happened to the peace I was focusing on this morning? In John 14 Christ tells us that He gives us a special gift of peace that is totally different from anything found in this world. I desperately want my students to know that hope and peace as well. It breaks my heart to see them so hopeless sometimes. So as I walked into my apartment after our ridiculously houred school day had ended, I threw down my bag onto the floor and just kind of sat to decompress for a moment and thought about my students. And as soon as I took that moment to really refocus and reflect on the struggles of my students, He reminded me, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness (2 Cor 12:9)." His grace. He is all I need. He is truly where I find my peace in days like today and He can use my weaknesses and my frustrations to shine His love down on my students. Just as He has washed me clean and showers his love and grace upon me, I also need to show grace to my students. I don't know where in the world I got the idea that because they had a few good days they would suddenly be perfect young highschoolers. Because that's all they are. While they are street smart and in some ways years beyond where I am, there are so many things they have not yet wrapped their minds around. And I get the blessed opportunity to share love with them by showing them forgiveness and grace. That's how I can share that peace, by being at peace myself and continuing to support, encourage, and love them.

Architecture

2 blogs in one day... I'm on a roll. Actually I'm at school and kind of bored. I have some time to plan (kind of like a planning period) but it's Friday and it's been a "blah" day. Only half of my students showed up (5 out of 10) and they also aren't very thrilled to be here on a beautiful Friday afternoon. So as I sit and supervise them on the computers, I shall share with you something that does indeed brighten my day.

One of my students (we shall call him Jay) loves architecture. He doesn't really know much about it, other than that he thinks it's really cool. Jay decided that he wanted to do a project about the history of architecture. One thing you need to know about him is that it has taken us a long while to communicate with eachother. Jay has ADHD and often times decides to not take his meds. Jay also hates to be questioned about anything he is doing. So needless to say, I am one of his biggest nuisances. The students recently had their exhibitions (45 minute presentations that they give at the end of every quarter, kind of like a mid-term/final) and Jay made me so proud. His presentation was wonderful, and he acknowledged that even though he messes around he really does need to start maturing and taking his school work seriously.

To start off the new quarter, he turned in part of his project on architecture, which consists of 7 poems that express the importance of it in our world. I want to share my favorite one with you all. (This still has me smiling everytime I read it). Please forgive the grammar mistakes (he also confuses "architects" with "architecture"). I prefer to read it with different voices for the parts in parentheses. The last line is my favorite. Enjoy :)

What if architects didn't exist?

(Are you out of your mind?)

No but if architects didn't exist it will be nothing but disaster.

(But why?)

Architects are the one that built half of this world.

(But how?)

It's called most of the people that are creative and imaginative is a creator of art.

(What you think?)

I think there won't be no architect without the people that makes what called art.

(Wow, why is architect so important?)

Lets put it this way, without the architects, we won't have no mall, food businesses, or houses because without the architects, it affects jobs because they need architects to plan their design and drawings for them.

(Say no more)

I thought you might said that but what I am saying and speaking of is the truth and the truth shall set you free but it depends what the topic is about.

(Sorry but so speechless right now)

Let me save my breath because there's nothing else to say.

(But?)

(Ahhughhmmm)

Strengthened

"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance (and patience). And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love." - Romans 5:3-5

Last August I moved to New Jersey to teach. (I know, what was I thinking, right?) I'm at a brand new school that just opened this year and that has a very different philosophy of learning than the traditional setting. I teach the rough high schoolers that many others have lost patience with and who have given up hope. I moved away from family and friends. I'm "growing up." And it's been hard. I mean... crying myself to sleep more nights than I can count hard. But I've made it through. The past few months God has truly been showing me how trustworthy He really is. All the tears, all the lonliness, all the struggle... He has used it for good... He has been using my life in ways that I seriously could have never thought possible.

I have been humbled by the fact that He is infinitely greater than I am (and I studied infinity, so I get what that means ;) ).. and the fact that He still uses me for His purposes blows me away. Thus, the title of this blog. And not only does He use me through my weakness and mistakes and sinful flesh, He teaches me through those experiences. He has strengthened me so much this past year. It's been on my heart to start writing down my experiences and the ways God has been working in my life. Teaching brings many stories, and I hope to share them so God might remind you that He wants to be giving You strength through the tough times of your life as well.

May You be glorified.

__N