Debbie Downer

I have been incredibly frustrated for the majority of this year (as any of you who talk to me regularly, read this often, or follow me on Twitter can attest to). Things aren’t going my way. I’ve gotten into the terrible habit of only seeing the imperfections in my students and in my teaching. When something positive happens, I get frustrated that it’s still not perfect instead of rejoicing in the small accomplishments.

God has been really convicting me of my terrible attitude. I feel like I should have that “wa wa waaaa” music following me around every time I speak (SNL anyone?). I’ve known that I’ve been too negative for awhile, but it wasn’t until I was observed by my TFA program director that it was really brought to my attention. During our debrief of the lesson, she commended me on the improvements my students have been making. Yes, they might be disrespectfully talking over me, but they no longer get up and just leave class (or the building). While they complain about the lessons, their complaints have turned more into frustrations that they don’t understand, which she pointed out is evidence of investment. Two thirds of my students are out on internships, whereas last year at this time, I think only 1 was out.

I’ve been realizing that it’s good to have high expectations, but I also am allowed to rejoice in the small steps that it takes to get there, especially for these students. My attitude was brought to my attention again in a meeting with my coordinator. I was frustrated that one of my students had read ahead to the end of the book we’re reading in advisory and has been telling everyone the ending. My coordinator looked at me like I was crazy… I was actually upset that a student took it upon themselves to READ AHEAD? (Wa wa waaaaaa…)

So I’ve been a bit of a downer. And my negativity has definitely brought down the culture of my classroom. Yet I am still amazed at how God works through my weaknesses. While I was noticing all the ways I see my students in a negative light, I was humbled further by a simple activity that they were doing. We did a mini-unit on discovering your passions and how to learn through your interests. One of the objectives was discovering your values. In doing that, I asked the students some questions to help guide their thinking. One of the questions was, “Who is the happiest person you know?”

The majority of them said that it was me.

Praise God that in my negativity and ridiculous expectations of perfection and bad attitude He still used me to show these kids His joy. It baffles my mind that His love has shown through even in the bad year that I’ve been having. Perhaps it’s not so bad after all. I’m just so thankful that He is in charge and uses me despite my brokenness.

Update

I kept having great ideas for some posts... but I have not had the time nor the energy to write something inspirational. I thought that, instead, I can just revert to the good old checklist. So here's some of the things that have been going on:

• Things are slowly getting a little bit better at school. I'm starting to relax more around my students and my biggest advice seems to be that I'm not having enough fun with them and not building a good relationship. I feel like this is slightly confusing advice. More to come on this probably in a later post.
• The students completed their end of the quarter assessment Exhibition presentations. They went well. Not the best because hardly any of my students actually took the given time the week before to prepare, but good for how the semester went none-the-less.
• As the new quarter starts it's always a better time for the students because they feel hope that they can succeed once again, so there's been some better attitudes in class.
• Went to visit AJ in Indiana last weekend. It was nice to get away and even better to see him.
• I'm ready for Thanksgiving already. Break can't come soon enough.
• I'm praying for direction for next year. If I should stay with Big Picture, if I do, if I should take on a new group of 9th graders, or be a math specialist (that's what I'm praying for, but the job might not be in the budget). If I should try teaching math at a traditional school. If I should give teaching a break and pursue high school or college ministry or some other career.... lots to be thinking about... prayers are appreciated.
• In advisory, we've started a unit on discovering and defining dreams. Sounds wonderful in theory but I'm struggling with presenting it in a way that the kids are invested... and investment is the whole purpose for doing so.

Today's been a bad day so I'm feeling a bit down about my abilities to teach... so I probably shouldn't be writing anything else... cause that could get depressing.

But that's a quick update for you. Hopefully I'll have another good day soon and can write my reflections on that.

"So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees. Mark out a straight path for your feet so that those who are weak and lame will not fall but become strong." - Hebrews 12:12-13