Mentality

As spring blooms all around and the thunderstorms bring refreshment to all green things (which unfortunately results in a ton of pollen that makes me sneeze), I find myself looking around feeling so very blessed. While I hate to actually admit this in writing, I really do enjoy living in New Jersey. I guess I should say that I enjoy the life God has blessed me with here. I love the area where I live now, it's so much better than being in the heart of a city. I love the community He has blessed me with. I love that I can navigate the streets of Newark, it makes me feel accomplished when I know where things are and how to get there without using my GPS. I enjoy the bustle of New Brunswick and the college feel that the town has. I like the diversity of this state, walking down the street and hearing at least 3 different languages. I relish the smells of the Ironbound after a day of work, when all is quiet in the afternoon and you get a whiff of Portuguese barbeque from down the street. I love the history of the east coast and the variety of buildings that you see.

While there is much to enjoy, there are many things that frustrate me, especially when it comes to the inner city. The biggest thing that has struck me as slightly amazing is the mentality of this place. I know that people are inherently selfish, but never before have a been somewhere where the majority of the people have the mentality of looking out for only themselves and that everyone is out to get them.

I see it in my students, as it is hard to gain their trust. Their life experience has taught them that people only do things for their own selfish gain. I see it in construction and traffic. Yesterday I sat for 20 minutes as 3 lanes were abruptly turned into one on a busy side street in Newark with no signs of warning. Where I'm from, people understand that when you merge you take turns. Not here. I sat in amazement as 3 cars refused to let me into the lane and sped up quickly to make sure I couldn't get in. Amazing.

[On a quick side-note, for those who have never been to New Jersey, the driving is completely different. Now I know that others will defend Jersey and rag on PA drivers and whatnot, but if you ever come to visit, brace yourself. If you don't go immediately when the light turns green, be ready for several loud honks. (Once I got a honk just before the light turned green because my foot was still on the brake.) The average NJ driver will not just let you move over in a lane. Impatience often runs rampant. My favorite is when there's traffic and someone actually drives on the shoulder to try and get around it!]

Any way, it is frustrating and sad to daily be amidst this cycle of culture. Generation after generation. I'm sure it also has a lot to do with the technology and world view of America these days, but it still continues to amaze me. There is immediately a defensive nature seen in so many people, and along with that a sense of hopelessness. So few care about anyone other than themselves and maybe their family and close friends. There's zero sense of a need to be a good role model or to do the right thing.

I know that I am among probably what is a smaller portion of the people in this city, but it saddens me that any group of people see life this way. It makes me question my own mentality. It's definitely easy to let the negativity and self-focused-ness rub off. Do I suspect that others are only out for their own gain? Do I judge the people I meet? Am I negative the majority of the time? Do I have hope that things can change? I know I'm far from perfect and am selfish in many ways. Am I really all that different from this fast-paced, each-to-his-own worldview?

I'm not sure I have the answers just yet, but I do know that there are many things I still have to learn about the inner city.

Finished

I feel as though God has been trying to get my attention for some time now. I haven’t been blogging because I’m pretty sure I would just have the same thing to say every time. My faith has not been strong, I have not been finding joy in Him, and I have been stressed beyond belief.

This past week I got to spend my spring break with A.J. in Indiana. It was good to have a week of doing nothing and to spend time with him. It was also good to finally slow down enough to remember that God is there and that He has things to say.

This week is also a favorite of mine due to the Easter season. It reminds me of why I am here and what I have to live for. Last year I remember God really hitting me with the reality of what He did for me. He became one of us; God became a measly human being, because He loved us enough to set us free from sin. He offered His life instead of me having to owe mine for all my mistakes. He loves me THAT much.

This year I feel like God’s been hitting me over the head for several months now trying to show me a very simple concept, but I have been too ignorant to really listen. At the Good Friday service in Indiana, the pastor challenged us to figure out what we are committed to. When Jesus was in his most stressful periods of torture and death, the inner thoughts he exposed were all about the Father. He showed full trust in Him, even at the lowest points of hardship. But where is my heart at? What comes out of my mouth when I’m stressed? What is my heart committed to? At Jacob’s Well this morning, our pastor brought us face to face with a similar thought. In the poker game of life, where do I go all in? To what do I entrust my chips?

When Christ was in the final moments of life, before he released his spirit, he uttered the words, “It is finished.” What exactly was finished? His life? His pain? His struggle? Were they just the crazy last words of a severely beaten and broken man? Do they affect my life? Should I just continue to struggle and try to model my life after his, on my own terms?

I am committed to my own success. I like being one of the best. Not THE best necessarily, but I like being at the top of the pack at anything that I do. Right now, my heart is committed to my success as a teacher. I want to succeed on my own terms. I want to plan killer lessons and deliver them flawlessly. All me. All to my glory. I go all in and place my trust and my chips in my talents. I’m fairly quick-witted and smart. I can trust in that. I’m always good at learning things and improving. I never fail. I can do this. I can trust in my own ability. I can succeed.

I live my life as if Christ’s death and resurrection, his conquering of sin, means absolutely nothing. I live as if he did not sacrifice himself so that I would be seen as perfect and flawless. Not because of what I’ve done, but because of His love and grace. When he exclaimed that it is finished, he meant the thing he came here to do. He conquered death. He finished what I do not have the ability to. He made me perfect. He gave me talents and in God’s eyes, I am holy and clean. I am a perfect teacher, not by my standards, but because Christ took my place. He took the blame for my sins so that I may be made perfect and holy.

Every time I teach something poorly or lose my patience with my students, Jesus is there, standing before God in my place, saying that he will take the heat. It is finished. I don’t need to stress. I don’t need to try to reach perfection, because I am already there. There is nothing humanly possible that I can do to love my students more. But I can love them through the Spirit. I can find my joy in Him instead of my day to day success in the classroom. I can stop panicking and getting that nauseous feeling in my stomach because He has died for me. It is finished. There is nothing more for me to do but accept His love and grace and to love others as a result.

Being religious gets me nowhere. I cannot follow a set of rules to be a good Christian. I cannot do things on my own. I am sinful and imperfect, I simply cannot. But through Him, anything is possible.

It is finished. I can find my joy in that.


Falling down upon our knees
Sharing now in common shame
We have sought security
Not the cross that bears Your name
Fences guard our hearts and homes
Comfort sings a siren tune
We’re a valley of dry bones
Lead us back to life in You

Lord we fall upon our knees
We have shunned the weak and poor
Worshipped beauty, courted kings
And the things their gold affords
Prayed for those we’d like to know
Favor sings a siren tune
We’ve become a talent show
Lead us back to life in You

You have caused the blind to see
We have blinded him again
With our man-made laws and creeds
Eager, ready to condemn
Now we plead before Your throne
Power sings a siren tune
We’ve been throwing heavy stones
Lead us back to life in You

We’re a valley of dry bones
Lead us back to life in You
We’ve become a talent show
Lead us back to life in You
We’ve been throwing heavy stones
Lead us back to life in You
-Sojourn