First Days

I have successfully completed my first two days of school of my second year of teaching. Phew. I'm exhausted. I'm finding this year a challenge once again already, yet for different reasons than the last. Last year was just flat out horrible. Our lack of resources, having students who didn't actually want to be there and weren't invested in our school, the craziness of having 4 brand new teachers try to start a brand new school in a crazy district.

This year the stress has been different. We didn't find out our entire staff until the day before school started. We still are lacking resources but at least we have some semblence of academic "classrooms." We have more authority since we are now an in-district charter school versus being a mere program in the department of alternative education. So things are better. I know more, I have a year of "teaching" (if that's what you want to call it) under my belt. I have a much better understanding of Big Picture's innovative and radical philosophy on education.

Yet knowing more is both a blessing and a curse. I understand and was able to better prepare, but I am also not as naively hopeful that things will work out just right. Unfortunately, I'm a bit of a perfectionist, and as I'm being reminded again this year, being a teacher also means being able to have some flexibility to your plans. This is a work in progress.

I will admit that I started my year off being miserable. I made myself miserable. I've been stuck in a negative attitude for the past few weeks. It's been hard to get myself out of that. The first day went better than I could have ever imagined. Almost all of my students showed up (11 of the now 13 that I have, yes, my class doubled in size because we combined the 11th and 12th graders). They were all well-behaved. They gave me their full attention. They did as asked. They didn't curse or throw things or talk back. The day went relatively smoothly. And yet, as the students were leaving I almost couldn't hold back the tears of frustration and discouragement, both of which had no real cause.

Today was equally as amazing. Had a few absent students, but those who showed up were basically picture perfect students. They tried hard, they participated in discussions and activities. They even worked in groups, which was something that I never succeeded at last year. So I should feel ecstatically enthused that the year is starting off on such a good note. Yet I'm not. And I have no idea why.

Maybe it's just the season of life that I'm in. I know that God has not been revealing Himself to me in the same obvious ways that He has in the past. I struggle with prayer and with connecting and really feeling Him with me. We are starting a sermon series at Jacob's Well on Ecclesiastes, which I'm pumped about since it deals with the idea of seasons of life and living in a world that is temporary. Whatever the cause of my stagnancy, whatever the purpose, I know that I need to continue to trust in the Lord. I need to work on finding joy in any situation and focusing on seeing the way He is working through me, rather than on all the things that I cannot do on my own. Thankfully He uses me despite my weaknesses and faults and sin. That thought alone brings me to my knees.

Reminded

Here it is... the long-awaited post.

Where to even begin? Summer was crazy. Moving. Pittsburgh. Camp. NJ. Baptism. Myrtle Beach. NJ. Rhode Island. Jamaica. Indiana. and back to Jersey. School starts next week. I'm so not ready for this.

As I have been heading back into the cloud of stress that surrounds our school (case in point: we don't even know who all the staff with be yet and school starts in 6 days), I've already begun to struggle with keeping my sanity. I have also been struggling with negativity. It seems that no matter what wonderful things God is blessing me with, I continue to see the worst. This is a new experience and I'm not a huge fan.

So I had hoped to be able to share some profound lessons learned this summer with all my travels, I had wanted to be able to type out a marvelous blog post that would get everyone thinking and bring glory to God. And yet God always amazes me. This time it's with His simple love and His quiet whisperings. Through all the lessons He has taught me in my short walk on this earth, I seem to be prone to forgetting them all. Yet as I continued to go from place to place this summer, God continued to remind me of His love. As I walked through the wooded trails of camp, as I carried on conversations with old friends, as I hugged my mom, as I felt the sun on the beach and listened to the waves, as I returned to the dirt roads of the heart of Jamaica, as I sat on the dock overlooking the ocean, as I got to experience the viewpoint above the clouds so many times, God simply reminded me to trust, to have faith, to love, to rest in Him. So simple. So powerful.

I guess, then, that He has reminded me that not only will He use me to bring Him glory, but He will be working within me, doing infinitely more to my own heart and mind than I could have ever realized. No matter what season of my life, no matter how far or near I feel to God, I am reminded to trust that He is working my life, that He has indeed planned out each day before the world even began, that He loves me and is guiding me along the path of His will. Praise be to God for His faithfulness even when I am weak and stubborn.

I am so full of sin, and yet He is powerful and washes all those sins away. I am clean through the blood of Christ. I get the opportunity to wake up each morning and start again. No matter what I had forgotten today or how cranky or negative I was, I will be clean.

"Satisfy us each morning with Your unfailing love, so we may sing for joy to the end of our lives." - Psalm 90:14

Home

I have called many places "home" in my life.

My family has never moved. They are still living in the same house I was brought home to as a newborn. Having called that place home for 18 years of life definitely puts it pretty permanently in the "home" category. Yet, as I have grown older and started living my life, that home has become more of a memory, a nostalgic place of childhood.

College wasn't quite "home" for awhile. Living in dorms gives off the feeling of the temporary. I lived in a dorm room for 3 years, as a freshman, and as an RA for the next two. Senior year was a surprise blessing. Living with women who know me better than I know myself. Women who were foundational to my growth as a Christian and as a human being in general. Women who I miss deeply. Women who managed to make a college lifestyle feel like home. Leaving campus last year was harder than I ever expected it to be. College became a place of fellowship, a place where God had shaped and changed me, the place that I see in my mind as I think of those who are dearest to me.

Between the college years I spent my summers serving in different places. First was camp. Camp will always be home. On any given day when I'm near some trees with the sun shining and the wind blowing just right, I can close my eyes and see that mountaintop. I can remember sitting on the logs around the campfires, singing praises, loving campers, learning some of the most valuable lessons of my life. I still miss camp. It was hard moving on from that place. I still get excited when I get to return, even for a visit.

One summer, God called me away from the home and restful refuge I had found from camp. He called me to a place that would stretch me and change the course of my life. He called me to a little town in the middle of Jamaica. Harmons. I have never met with God like I have in the small valley between the mountains of that island. Seeing Him in children running and playing in clothes soiled by the red, bauxite dirt. Hearing Him in conversations with the people there. Experiencing Him in the teams who came to serve. Listening to Him on the top of the mountain. Resting in Him at the edge of the bright, blue, clear ocean. Jamaica and the people of Harmons Valley will always hold a place in my heart.

And then I graduated. And then I moved to New Jersey. Those who knew me well last year knew how much I did NOT want to come to NJ... this place was far from my expected placement, completely in the wrong direction that I was imagining my future. But God called, and so I followed His voice.

Living in Newark. Teaching in Newark. Being in Newark. The stress, the hopeless feeling, the city noises... While living with two wonderful roomates who were going through the same struggles of being a first year teacher in an innercity school, I continued to remind myself that I only had to be there for two years. But then a light shined about 25 minutes down the NJ Turnpike in the community of Jacob's Well. God reminded me of His joy, peace, and hope. He used this new family to strengthen and encourage me. Year one ended.

And that brings us up to now. Last night at 12:30am, I carried the last of my belongings into my new apartment with two amazing ladies whom I love so much. After a stressful few days of moving, yet filled with the blessings of friends who were willing to serve and carry heavy things for me, I finally got to sleep in my own bed in my new room. And right before I fell asleep, it hit me. This is home.

So this morning, as I woke up still tired (it's been awhile since I've been woken up by birds singing... usually it's trains, trucks, or sirens) I was completely overwhelmed with thankfulness. I am so grateful and filled with joy at this new place to do every day ministry and these new apartment-mates who have already encouraged and loved me.

This summer is going to be nuts. I am getting the opportunity to visit the many homes that I've had throughout my life... but what excites me the most and fills me with peace, is knowing that after all my summer travels, I will have this place to come home to.

Reflection

I’m a big fan of reflecting (beware, this is a long post). I think that through reflection you can focus on your strengths and weaknesses so that you become stronger and perhaps learn from your mistakes. Reflection also has the tendency to bring me face to face with how God’s working in my life.

So as this school year is wrapping up, what exactly have I accomplished? What have I learned? Here are a few of my reflections all jumbled and not necessarily in any order (here I go again with my lists):

• Change and transitions in life are hard and sometimes frightening, but we grow the most when we are pruned, broken, and struggling
• I never want to go through TFA’s summer training Institute ever again
• I am never alone
• (North) Jersey drivers don’t make left hand turns, they honk if you don’t gas it the moment a light turns green, and they enjoy passing you on the right on a highway.
• Apparently saying “unless if” is grammatically incorrect, unless if it’s an instance where it’s ok ;)
• The Newark Public School system needs a serious makeover
• Nissan Altimas are the easiest cars to steal according to my students, followed closely by Jeeps
• Stolen credit cards can be cancelled and replaced
• God gave us a Sabbath day of rest for a reason
• I am a very organized person who enjoys making spreadsheets and graphic organizers
• I really don’t enjoy lesson planning, but am starting to get better at it
• My immune system was defeated by Newark (but don’t worry, I’m sure I will find victory next year)
• I’m not perfect and sometimes I can’t always do everything at once.
• Students need things completely broken down for them, step by step… seriously… like broken down to the teeniest thing, especially when it’s something they’ve never experienced before.
• God is good and more than worthy of our trust, hope, and praise.
• God has been answering so many prayers and strengthening me in moments when I didn’t have anything left.
• The Lord does indeed go before me and follow me… He has the path of my life clearly marked and is ready to carry me when I lack the strength to get out of bed
• Education is important but we can’t always quantify learning in percentages and letter grades based on a content class.
• If nothing else, I taught my students what it means to reflect and the importance of being honest about their successes and mistakes.
• You don’t always see the fruit of your work, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t any. That also doesn’t mean that God isn’t working through you.
• Joy is not dependent on circumstance. Peace of heart and mind and abundant joy are found in Christ alone and in the hope He brings, not in human actions

I think that’s a pretty good list :)

So today I had a professional development day with the entire Newark Big Picture staff from each of the 3 schools that opened this year. Talk about surreal. We gathered as a professional cohort back at the place where we began. We once had excited smiles and energetic ideas, we were “bright eyed and bushy tailed.” Now we all seem to just be worn and tired. It’s been a long year for everyone.

The more I look back on journal entries and twitter tweets, I really am hit with the fact that it’s been a very rough, emotional year for me as well. I worked harder this year than any time I can ever remember. I have been more discouraged than ever before. And in all honesty, it really hasn’t been that extremely rewarding. There are things I know I could have done better. There are many things that happened that I had no control over, but I don’t really have the sense of accomplishment I was expecting.

Yet on top of all of the bad moments, behind all the tears, I really am amazed at God’s goodness and at the ways He strengthened me. He blessed me with a wonderful family and network of friends from college who were there to support me when I thought I was alone. He placed moments together so that I could find Jacob’s Well and be filled with fellowship and encouragement. This year I have truly seen glimpses of His Kingdom in a church full of love, a group of believers who I feel like I’ve known forever, a part of His body that I have somehow always been waiting to join.

Who would’ve thunk it? I enjoy living in New Jersey. I love the people I have grown to know. It’s been an interesting new adventure. Thinking back, I find that I’ve been pretty negative and down-trodden this year, especially with my job. Yet as I have mentioned in many of my other posts, I am absolutely, completely amazed and astonished at how I can see God’s hand working through it all. I know that my life here is just beginning and I’m excited to see what tomorrow brings.

Checklists

Nichole's list of things to get done sometime relatively soonish within the next month or so:

• Take down and pack up classroom [CHECK!]
• Neatly finish up the year with my students and make sure everything is done (grades, corrected assignments, etc..) [ALMOST CHECK!]
• Begin next year's planning of creating a curriculum for Alg I and Geometry so that next year isn't quite the mess that it was this year
• Begin next year's planning for my own advisory by creating an end of year goal/end of quarter goals so that next year isn't quite the mess that it was this year
• Wash/dry clean all my professional clothes [CHECK!]
• Pack up apartment [in progress CHECK!]
• Slowly start to move all of my belongings [CHECK!]
• Find truck to move large furniture [CHECK! I've also recruited several strong men to help me move]
• Actually move all of my things [CHECK!]
• Get settled in the new apartment after moving all of my things [in progress]
• Make sure I switch my address for all those important adult things so my bills come to the right place
• Finally get around to getting a Jersey license
• Figure out all my travel plans since I'm going everywhere this summer: New apartment, Pittsburgh, visiting camp somewhere in there, Ohio for Luke and Amanda's wedding, back to Jersey to be baptized, down to Myrtle Beach with the fam, back to Jersey to finish moving and having a visit from Lynn (hopefully!), Rhode Island for Big Picture training, back to Jersey to start lesson planning, Jamaica, back to Jersey for the start of training, maybe travelling to Indiana to accompany some guy ;) then back to Jersey, finally back to school...
• Start exercising again cause I'm way out of shape [in progress]
• Read some books/novels to figure out what I want to read with my students next year

I'm going to stop there...

Can you tell that I am secretly a Type-A person? Ha... so it might not be so secret... While not completely a bad thing, there are some downfalls. For the past 2 years I've been trying to overcome the negatives that come with this personality type. The main one being what has been happening to me today. I often spend a lot of time creating checklists of things to do and planning out my day minute by minute... but it's not always good. Most often doing this leads to stress and becoming just flat out overwhelmed. Thoughts of my to-do lists end up stopping me from getting good sleep.

So as my morning quickly became frazzled today, I took a moment to stop and realize that

1. I'm still kind of sick and don't want to push myself too far
2. There's no need to stress myself out like that and finally
3. I hadn't even stopped to spend time with my Father

A.J. often quotes a Proverb that says something along the lines of "A man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps."

Psalm 139 tells us that the Lord goes before us and follows after us, that He knew every moment of our lives before a single day had passed.

In Matthew 6, Jesus tells us not to worry about tomorrow or about all the little details... rather, take it one day at a time.

That is incredible and that is what I need to trust. I can make checklists galore. I can stress myself til there's no tomorrow. But there's really no point in that, is there? I could lay out my entire summer, but I really have no control over the way it goes. I could get sick yet again, a flight might be delayed, a car might break down. There are infinite events that could occur that could completely throw my entire checklist into the paper shredder. So why stress?

Checklists aren't necessarily bad. I like being about to cross things off. It makes me feel accomplished. I like writing things down so that I will remember that I need to do them. But having this characteristic of a Type A personality becomes bad when we let these things start to worry us. Just like many things in life, checklists aren't bad in and of themselves... they only become a problem when we let them come between us and our Creator, when we allow them to steal our focus, when we give them the foothold of taking away our peace and joy.

I definitely learned this lesson several years ago after spending a summer in Jamaica. During that time I really was hit with what's important in life and what it looks like to keep my eyes on Christ throughout every moment of my life.... almost 2 years of life back in the U.S. has pushed that lesson to the back of my mind.... time to pull it to the front again.

Frustration

I am ridiculously frustrated. I am frustrated with our lack of resources (it took them 5 months to give us the space we needed, there's one door out of 4 classrooms, we have no text books, no reading materials, no curriculum access, nothing). I am frustrated with our lack of students (I am down to 5). I'm frustrated that we have no discipline policy (because we're under alternate ed, our principle does not have the authority to actually discipline students). I'm frustrated with the low morale of the staff, including my own. I'm frustrated that Big Picture started a school in Newark with a nontraditional philosophy without making sure that everything that was needed was in place. I'm frustrated that grades are due this week but we still have a full week and 2 days left to do something with students who don't want to be here. I'm frustrated that we did not hit our goals. I'm frustrated that I did not teach my students much academically. I'm frustrated that I am losing motivation. I'm frustrated that I didn't get to teach much math and I'm even more frustrated that it's basically my fault that I didn't do so. I'm frustrated that our school goes from 11:20-5:40 because I'm always exhausted and don't ever feel like doing anything afterwards. I'm frustrated that my students go through so many struggles at home and on the streets and there's nothing I can do to help them. I'm frustrated that this world is so full of sin and that we, as humans, caused it/chose it. I become more and more frustrated that my students have to live in this world and that they were not raised to find hope.

But I am thankful that there is hope. I'm thankful that Christ is returning some day to rescue us from this broken world. I'm thankful that God also feels this heartbreak, infinity-fold and is crying with us. I'm thankful for God's unfailing love for both me and my students. I'm thankful that He is unchanging. I'm thankful that He gives me strength when I'm ready to give up. I'm thankful that He hears my prayers and answers them. I'm thankful for His promises, in which I can place my hope. I'm thankful for the blessings He has given me. I'm thankful for friends from the past and friends that He continues to place in my path. I'm thankful that He brought me to New Jersey and has a purpose through all of this, even if I might never see it. I'm thankful for fellowship and the church. I'm ridiculously thankful for Jacob's Well and the overwhelming encouragement and joy I find in my brothers and sisters there.

I'm thankful for the work we are called to here on this earth.

I'm thankful that we each have a purpose and that we are able to delight and rejoice in the Lord.

I'm thankful that I am forgiven.

I'm thankful that God is greater than my frustrations.

Joy

I have a tendency to focus on what still needs to get done. For example, I’m awful at procrastinating. In college, I could never relax until I had finished my checklist of homework or papers. I was the nerdy student who would be getting work done early Saturday morning in the library so it would be over and done with. I would have papers finished at least one week in advance. I do not work well under pressure. I crack.

Because of this habit of mine, I find that it leads to a lot of negative thinking in life at times, especially at school or with friends. At school, I find that I automatically focus in on the students who are doing poorly. I see their potential. I see where they need to be. And I can’t rest until they succeed. But I’m coming to realize that I might never see that fruit. With friends, I often get cranky when things don’t go the way I want. If I really want to hang out and fellowship and it doesn’t happen the way I expect, I lose my joy.

God has been convicting me lately that I cannot and should not rely on anyone other than Him for my happiness, which is something that I have been falling into the habit of doing. He is my source of joy. I’m reading a book at the moment, “One Thing,” by Sam Storms, with A.J. (we’ve only made it through the first chapter), but it has already been a nice reminder that our sole purpose in this life is to glorify God. We accomplish this by rejoicing and finding joy in His holiness, His perfection, His creation, His love.

I love the last big talk that Jesus has with his disciples before his crucifixion. In John 14-17, he speaks with them about remaining in His love, finding truth in the coming Spirit, and asking for things in His name. He promises that when we do these things we fill find incredible, abundant joy.

It seems so simple. Just love and be thankful and then joy will come. While it’s not always simple to follow through with, I have had moments in life where I have experienced this wonderful glorious gift.

So why can’t I do it now? Why do I dread coming to work some days? Why does it throw my entire day off when my students don’t show up or are especially difficult? Why do I hate driving back to Newark after days of fellowship? Why can’t I rejoice in the blessings that God has given me? Why is it hard to focus on the positive?

This is becoming a rather long post, so I will end it shortly. I haven’t posted in awhile because I didn’t want to post more frustrations or complaints. I was waiting for something exciting to happen at school to share. But silly me has been completely ignorant of all the little blessings going on every day.

One I would like to share with you is from this week.

My bright and shining student, Nate, whom I have mentioned before, continues to amaze me, and yet I fail to recognize this as a fruit of the work God has been doing through me. My students just had their final presentations this past week (even though we still have 2 and a half weeks left) and it was a pretty big deal for my 10th graders. Long story short, there are 2 Gateway presentations they have to get through. One now, one in December 2010. This first one is an assessment of where they are and where they will need to be by December in order to pass officially into 11th grade. My students were supposed to be audience members for each other for support. Nate was the only one to come to all of them. During one of the feedback sections, this is something that Nate said to another student:

“I always told you that you reminded me of myself. I used to do the same thing and get distracted easily… I want you to know that everyone has potential, especially you… I knew you could do it… that would make me sad myself to see you fail… you’re like my little brother, I want you to do better…. I want you to head on the right path… because you can do it, man…. I just wanted to let you know that you can do it… don’t get distracted, just do it… homework might get boring, but you need it. And I’ll be there for you… I’ll call you… I’m here man… if anything, just call me.”

Praise God for the work He has done in Nate’s heart.

Praise God that I can rejoice in His amazing works.