Pancho

2 weeks ago I got sick. The Friday that I returned to school I was not feeling the greatest, very weak and honestly not in the mood to deal with teenagers all day long. However, 3rd period came around and a class of 9th graders entered my room. They were a bit rowdy (it was Friday after all) and so I braced myself for a tiring lots-of-energy-required-to-keep-students-focused class.

Then the unexpected happened. Some of the girls chose to sit way in the back. When I asked them to move forward their response was they couldn't because their [imaginary] friend Pancho was sitting in their normal seat up front. I took a deep breath, ready to chastise them and tell them again to move forward, but then I rethought myself. Why not just go with it? So I did. And all class I acknowledged Pancho as a student. He even gave a 10 second presentation since he was "absent" when the rest of the class presented. And you know what? The class went from stressful to fun. The kids got a kick out of it and it made me smile to play make-believe with them while not hindering the lesson for the day.

Since then I've been reflecting on Pancho. I think he has taught me a valuable lesson that has been in the back of my mind, but my busy responsibilities have kept it from me: That it's ok to have fun with my students, that it's ok to enjoy life. Since I've started teaching I've been trying to figure out who I am as a teacher. So far I've been trying to assert my authority (and all that jazz) that I've forgotten my "camp counselor" side where I connect with teenagers through silliness and at times, deep thought.

I feel like this idea of having fun also is a bigger reminder for my life outside of my job as well. To this point, this year has been full of work and stress and more work and more stress. I haven't been doing a whole lot to enjoy myself or spend time in fellowship with others. A whole month has gone by and I don't think I've talked to anyone outside of A.J. and my roomates for more than 20 minutes. I'm just trying to survive day-to-day. I tried to shake it up and decided to take a tap class, but last week when I went I couldn't help but feel how tense my body was from all my anxiety and my workload.

Then if I zoom out even more, I am convicted of the fact that I have been treating my relationship with God as another thing on my to-do list. Another burden that I have to carry. I've been stressing about getting back to the constant fellowship I felt with Him when I was in college. But I've spent so much time analyzing what I'm doing wrong that I've forgotten that it's as simple as just loving Him and worshipping Him with all my heart, after that the rest will follow.

I want so much for my time in Newark to mean something, to be worth it. But I think I might be trying too hard. I stress about not connecting with my students or not being able to love them well cause I want to also teach them well. Pancho was a reminder that I can teach and love and have fun and connect just by being myself and enjoying where God has me, by enjoying Him and realizing His love for me.

This short life has so much more to offer than a paycheck and pat on the back for lessons well-planned. There's love and joy at every corner where He's waiting for us to join in.

Year 3

I really need to get back into the habit of writing blog entries more often. I love the idea, but it's definitely hard to keep up with. Summer was a time of relaxing and taking a break from life and now that school has started (day after Labor Day) life has continued on at it's neckbreaking speed as I try to get settled back into routine. It is week 3 and I am already sick and stuck at home... so I guess this is God's way of making sure I slow down, and also gives me some time to actually write a post.

Year 3 has begun. It's crazy looking back on my time as a teacher. I never thought the story would unfold as it has. For the first time, the year started well. Yes, that's right, I have not actually had a fully bad day yet. I called my parents after the second day of school and said it was going well and my mom mentioned that 2 good days in a row is a record for me. Yes indeed, year 3 has been record breaking in many ways:

-Big Picture Ironbound Academy is still located at East Side High School, but we have been upgraded to our own hallway on the second floor.
-I have my own classroom, with a door, and desks, and white boards.
-I am teaching just math. I am no longer an advisor (which has it's pros and cons) but I am finally teaching what I love all day long.
-I see all the students at the school for math (both stressful and exciting to know everyone's name 2 weeks in)
-The 9th graders are eager and excited to learn. Homework has been turned in. More than 2 students have perfect attendance. It's pretty crazy stuff.
-Almost ALL the students are wearing their uniforms.
-I actually feel like I know what I'm doing some of the time. I guess 2 years under my belt really does make things like classroom management and investment easier.

When I think back to what our school was 2 years ago... I am astounded at the transformation. We still have a long way to go, but it is exciting to see things finally starting to look up. I can also see a difference in myself as a teacher. I have more confidence and am so much more comfortable in front of the students, even when things don't go well. I handle things with more flexibility and I find that I'm getting better at having fun in the classroom.

I'm definitely not a master teacher by any means, but it is comforting to know that there is improvement by year 3. There's another TFA teacher placed at my school this year and it really is a good reminder of where I was 2 years ago. TFA gives you such a steep learning curve, but I made it through and hopefully have grown for the better because of it.

I hope to continue posting often. I also hope to have some pictures up here soon so you all can see my new digs at school!

Million

It has been 2 years since I moved to NJ. That's crazy. So much has happened in these short 24 months. I don't feel like the same person as the girl who graduated, went through TFA training, and this day 2 years ago was saying goodbye to those she loved at her best friend's wedding and flying back to begin her new life.

Never in a million years would I have thought I would have found such a home here in Jersey... enough to decide to stay for round 3. Teaching has been hard. I can't believe I'm a TFA alumni... I don't feel old or experienced enough to deserve that distinction. Yet, here I am. I have an amazing fiance and a wonderful church family that I feel like I've known forever. I have been blessed with laughter and fun times (while not perhaps as silly as college yet meaningful and fullfilling none-the-less). I have learned a lot about myself and about life in the inner city. I've seen hopelessness and defeat, but I've also seen some triumphs, however small. I've been encouraged and loved and stretched and shaped. I've seen NYC on a regular basis, I know about the streets of Newark, I've fallen in love, and I've visited Indiana more than once. I'm not really sure when all of that happened, it seems like a moment ago that it never existed.

While I have grown in many ways, I still feel stuck in others. I still struggle with understanding why God has me here. Teaching was supposed to be the most rewarding thing that I would do, but I have not found that so, although, my own reward isn't the reason I'm here. I'm going back to teach math but not sure what will happen after. The amount of friends I have has grown, but so has the loneliness when no one is around. I've finished books, but my shelf is still full of ones I have yet to read.

I really never would have thought that I would be here if you asked me when I graduated 2 years ago. In many many ways it's better than I could have ever imagined, but it others it's been plain frustrating. Inner city was never something I thought I would be called to and I'm still not sure if it's where I will end up. I have loved my students but have struggled with knowing how to teach them well. And so I find that God still has me in a place where I need to trust Him.

When He lead me to NJ, it wasn't a direct answer, but He clearly opened the door and I have experienced many great things since I walked through it. So having that in my very recent memory, why on earth is it still so hard to trust that He's got the next chapter covered as well? I stress and contemplate and worry that I don't know what I want to do with my life or where He wants A.J. and I to go. Pure silliness. Some of Jesus' last words were, "Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God and trust also in me."

Thus, as I continue to attend weddings (with mine also on the way), I find that I am still no closer to understanding what God has in store or His mysterious ways. It's these times when I would never in a million years imagine where He has brought me or will take me that I also desire the time a million years from now when I will be in His glorious presence. Weddings will just keep on coming until the Bridesgroom returns to call us home. Until then, there's not much left to do but trust in the million ways that He is good.

July

It has been quite awhile since I've written. I have taken a month off from life and it has been wonderful. The end of the school year was somewhat boring and tiring as students slowly stopped showing up and there was less and less to do. It also seemd to never end as we went right up to the end of June for who knows why. Summer started and I immediately took off for home to spend time with my family and then to continue on to Indiana to spend time with the fiance. The result was complete summer success. Below you can read a list of my accomplishments so far throughout the month of July.

• Went to the shore and spent a wonderful first day of summer with roomate


• Got oil changed


• Enjoyed July 4th with many friends


• Drove many miles


• Slept in often


• Read 7 books


• Planned honeymoon


• Solidified wedding location


• Designed Save-the-Dates


• Gathered addresses from friends for Save-the-Dates


• Printed, addressed (and am about to send out) Save-the-Dates


• Got started on buying vintage books for wedding decorations


• Went ring shopping (no decisions yet)


• Spent mornings at a public pool while fiance taught swim lessons


• Beat fiance at chess (once)


• Learned several German words and mastered 2 German phrases


• Spent 3 weeks with fiance and his family


• Battled his parent's cat on a daily basis and came out alive


• Watched several movies


• Ate a lot of food


• Picked blackberries


• Went kayaking on a lake


• Played with fiance's phone (getting quite good at several apps)


• Took a decent amount of pictures


• Attended 3 wedding showers (2 for us)


• Met fiance's extended family


• Received much appreciated appliances, cooking utensils, and household fun


• Bought an outfit for engagement pictures (to be taken in 2 days in NYC)


• Caught up with some friends from home


• Showed fiance Allegheny College


• Baked my very first pie (blueberry) with my grandmother's guidance


• Planned out rules and procedures for my classroom this year because I was bored and had nothing else to do :)


• Spent all of today relaxing outside on my parents deck reading on a raft in the pool in the sun


• Wrote this blog post

I'd call this month a success.

KaPOW!

I write that whole blog yesterday to only be slammed in the face with God's truth this morning. (Funny how God does that.) I am in the midst of a study with some friends using the guide "Experiencing God," by Blackaby, Blackaby, and King. This week's focus is on looking to God and how He is already at work around you. I just wanted to share some of the text from the study today since it totally kicked my selfish butt:

"Part of the Book of Genesis is the record of God's accomplishing His purposes through Abraham. It is not the record of Abraham's walk with God. Can you see the difference in focus? The focus of the Bible is God. The essence of sin is a shift from God-centeredness to self-centeredness. The essence of salvation is denying self instead of affirming self. We must deny ourselves and return to God-centeredness in our lives. Then God has us in a place where He will accomplish His eternal purposes through us (p32)."

"Self-centeredness is a subtle trap because it makes sense from a human perspective... To live a God-centered life, you must focus your life on God's purposes, not on your own plans. You must seek to view situations from God's perspective rather than from your own distorted human outlook. When God starts to do something in the world, He takes the initiative to reveal His will to people. For some divine reason He has chosen to involve His people in accomplishing His purposes (p33)."

"God never asks people to dream up something to do for Him. We do not sit down and dream what we want to do for God and then call God in to help us accomplish it. The pattern in Scripture is that we submit ourselves to God. Then we wait until God shows us what He is about to do, or we watch to see what God is already doing around us and join Him (p34)."



KaPow. Reality check.

It's crazy how I can live so long in my own little world knowing that these things are true but never really letting them soak in. For some reason this morning, God is using these simple words, words that I have heard in some form or another before, to really reveal the sin of my focus on my "walk with God." Because that's totally how I've been living my life. I've been frustrated because I don't feel God or see Him at work in my life. But who the heck am I? I am a tool to be used for God's work going on all around me that I've just been too ignorant to see.

Freakin' Out

I am quite literally "freaking out" in every sense of the word. It's kind of ridiculous. I'm not sure how I got to this point (which is part of the reason why I haven't been blogging... too stressed to think about it).

There's a lot of little things that are causing to me to feel like my head is going to explode and make me feel like I need to just scream. This past month has been crazy with work. It's getting to the end of the year and I'm about at the end of my patience rope. The students are getting crazier as I am losing the desire to care about pushing them when they show no desire to want to learn. Everything they say that's disrespectful or involves cursing sets me off. They curse, they don't do their homework, they're rude... little things that I had patience and understanding for now seem to just light my fuse. Some of them are about to graduate and head into the real world, I feel like they should know better by now. I forget that they are still teenagers.

I was also helping rewrite the federal grant for our failing school this month, which took up much more time than I bargained for, adding a lot of unnecessary pressure to my blood circulation.

While wedding planning has so far to go (still 10 months), the stress from work was bleeding into my personal life. I stressed about finding a dress and a venue and the guest list and the bridesmaids and the honeymoon location. Anything you can think of I've freaked out about.

Then just with my personal life. With roomates getting married and moving and no one going grocery shopping or washing the dishes and so on and so forth. My stress is stopping me from sleeping and so then I stress about not getting enough sleep. It's quite the vicious cycle.

Ironically enough, the sermon series we are in at Jacob's Well at the moment is titled just that, "Freaking Out." Talk about relevant. The main thread that is pulsing through the series is that we need to stand firm on the realities of God: His sovereignty, love, presence, and promises. In one of the sermons, I was convicted by the things that are usually the root cause of my stress. That either 1. I'm striving for my own success, 2. I'm seeking the approval of others, or 3. I'm focused on this being my one shot to get it right and forgetting the fact that we have eternity. I feel like all 3 of these things are rolled into many of the stressful parts of my life right now, especially my job. I'm striving for my personal success as a teacher, I'm seeking the praise of others for me being the best teacher, and I get upset when I mess up with the little things every day, because I've messed up my "only shot."

While these things have been so convicting, it still seems uncannily hard for me to stop trying to control things. This is the first time since my early college years when I have been so completely stressed like this. As I try and remind myself of the truths of God and the need to trust Him, I still find it incredibly hard to do just that. I find myself asking the question, "What am I doing wrong? Why can't I get this stress to go away?"

It amazes me how I still seem fixed on trying to find the solution within myself. It's like I've forgotten what it feels like to truly trust in Him with every moment of my day. To be ok with just today and not worry about tomorrow. To see every moment that I get to speak with someone else as an opportunity for Him to work through me. To give my cares and worries to Him and trust that He loves me enough to make it work out just fine.

I'm really not sure what I'm so scared of. I'm not sure what my anxiety is expecting to happen. Is it failure? But by what standards? Is it the end of my teaching career? Is that even realistic? Is it that my marriage will fall apart within the first few months because the wedding day didn't go as planned or because we didn't read enough premarital books? Is it that my life won't be perfect?

All I know is it's about time that I let myself relax and allow the Spirit to fill me with the joy of His presence once again.

Jesus said, "Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God and trust also in me...I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift that the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid."

His peace and joy is free. I just have to tear away the wrapping paper that gets in the way.

Mentality

As spring blooms all around and the thunderstorms bring refreshment to all green things (which unfortunately results in a ton of pollen that makes me sneeze), I find myself looking around feeling so very blessed. While I hate to actually admit this in writing, I really do enjoy living in New Jersey. I guess I should say that I enjoy the life God has blessed me with here. I love the area where I live now, it's so much better than being in the heart of a city. I love the community He has blessed me with. I love that I can navigate the streets of Newark, it makes me feel accomplished when I know where things are and how to get there without using my GPS. I enjoy the bustle of New Brunswick and the college feel that the town has. I like the diversity of this state, walking down the street and hearing at least 3 different languages. I relish the smells of the Ironbound after a day of work, when all is quiet in the afternoon and you get a whiff of Portuguese barbeque from down the street. I love the history of the east coast and the variety of buildings that you see.

While there is much to enjoy, there are many things that frustrate me, especially when it comes to the inner city. The biggest thing that has struck me as slightly amazing is the mentality of this place. I know that people are inherently selfish, but never before have a been somewhere where the majority of the people have the mentality of looking out for only themselves and that everyone is out to get them.

I see it in my students, as it is hard to gain their trust. Their life experience has taught them that people only do things for their own selfish gain. I see it in construction and traffic. Yesterday I sat for 20 minutes as 3 lanes were abruptly turned into one on a busy side street in Newark with no signs of warning. Where I'm from, people understand that when you merge you take turns. Not here. I sat in amazement as 3 cars refused to let me into the lane and sped up quickly to make sure I couldn't get in. Amazing.

[On a quick side-note, for those who have never been to New Jersey, the driving is completely different. Now I know that others will defend Jersey and rag on PA drivers and whatnot, but if you ever come to visit, brace yourself. If you don't go immediately when the light turns green, be ready for several loud honks. (Once I got a honk just before the light turned green because my foot was still on the brake.) The average NJ driver will not just let you move over in a lane. Impatience often runs rampant. My favorite is when there's traffic and someone actually drives on the shoulder to try and get around it!]

Any way, it is frustrating and sad to daily be amidst this cycle of culture. Generation after generation. I'm sure it also has a lot to do with the technology and world view of America these days, but it still continues to amaze me. There is immediately a defensive nature seen in so many people, and along with that a sense of hopelessness. So few care about anyone other than themselves and maybe their family and close friends. There's zero sense of a need to be a good role model or to do the right thing.

I know that I am among probably what is a smaller portion of the people in this city, but it saddens me that any group of people see life this way. It makes me question my own mentality. It's definitely easy to let the negativity and self-focused-ness rub off. Do I suspect that others are only out for their own gain? Do I judge the people I meet? Am I negative the majority of the time? Do I have hope that things can change? I know I'm far from perfect and am selfish in many ways. Am I really all that different from this fast-paced, each-to-his-own worldview?

I'm not sure I have the answers just yet, but I do know that there are many things I still have to learn about the inner city.