Perfection

I am so very far from being the perfect teacher. The teenagers who I have the pleasure to see every day are so far from being perfect students. And yet, for some reason I expect perfection in my classroom. This year I have set my expectations high, yet a bit too high for any human to meet. I have put all of my energy into my lesson planning and into trying to run a manageable classroom. But what have I gotten in return? Stress, anxiety, sickness, probably high blood pressure, and tears, as day in and day out for the past few weeks my hopes and expectations have been far from met. As the Teacher in Ecclesiastes discovered through his searching,

“I soon discovered that God has dealt a tragic existence to the human race. I observed everything going on under the sun, and really, it is all meaningless – like chasing the wind.

What is crooked cannot be made straight.

What is lacking cannot be counted.” – Ecclesiastes 1:14-15

Discouragement overcame my good intentions. It seemed that the more I tried, the more I was greeted with disappointment and seeming failure. As people even tried to encourage me with words of “I couldn’t do what you’re doing,” and “I would have quit by now if I were you,” I wondered why the heck I was still even trying. What’s the point?

But in my feelings of hopelessness, God continued to confront me these past few days in interesting ways. Through loneliness and tears, in thunderstorms and darkness, by encouragement from friends and unintentional words from staff members, in today’s sermon on Ecclesiastes, God has convicted me.

I have been running a race towards perfection. But for what? I kept pushing my students and myself beyond our limits, but for what? I’m not really even sure what the answer to that question is anymore. I was trying with my own strength. I knew I needed to give my burden to God, but I was too stubborn to actually realize what that even means.

This weekend God has slowly shown light on the darkness that I was letting envelope me. The more I try to reach perfection on my own terms, the more I am going to fail. The more I try to find satisfaction in my work alone, the more disappointed I will become. It all boils down to Christ on the cross, dying for me. Dying so that I don’t need to carry this burden. Dying so He sees me as perfect through no good work of my own.

The Teacher in Ecclesiastes comes to the conclusion in Chapter 2 that “there is nothing better than to enjoy food and drink and to find satisfaction in work…. These pleasures are from the hand of God. For who can eat or enjoy anything apart from him?” There is a deeper meaning to what I am doing in Newark. I might not see it right now, but I need to trust that He has me there for a purpose and that by putting my hope and expectation in Him, I will never be disappointed. Instead of looking to satisfaction from my work, I simply need to turn my gaze instead to the hope found in God’s promise of salvation.

Instead of trying to reach perfection by the world’s terms, I need to revel in the fact that, because of Christ’s sacrifice, I am being made perfect. I am perfect in Christ! What a relief, what a comfort, what an amazing act of grace.

“For God’s will was for us to be made holy by the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ, once for all time… our High Priest offered himself to God as a single sacrifice for sins, good for all time. Then he sat down in the place of honor at God’s right hand. There he waits until his enemies are humbled and made a footstool under his feet. For by that one offering he forever made perfect those who are being made holy.” – Hebrews 10:10, 12-14

I can stop running in circles trying to attain perfection on my own and I can start running toward Christ and trusting that one day He will indeed complete the work He started in me and bring me to complete perfection.

“I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have no achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead. I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.” – Philippians 4:12-14

Praise be to God for His mercy, love, and grace. I remember coming to a point similar to this when I served for a summer in Jamaica. God brought me to the place where I knew that it didn't matter if I saw the fruit of my work. Instead what mattered was trusting that He would make Everything Glorious. I'm praying as I go into this week that I can place my hope in the only place where it can be satisfied.

Questions?

Is there a point where you should just give up? When is enough just plain enough? Does that point ever come? Is a young teenager ever too far beyond help? What happens when the star student who did so well last year has stopped training for boxing, stopped hanging out with his mentor, stopped going to church and reverted back to his terrible street behavior? What happens when everything you say in advisory is completely shot down and your students argue with you about everything you’ve spent so long planning? What do you do when students absolutely refuse to do the work? What do you do when they stop coming to school? Do you give up? How many chances do you give them? I know that personally I’ve learned to forgive people when they sin against me, but what about students who are making choices toward failure? What do you do when the students just don’t care? How do you get through to them? How do you continue to stand and try to teach them when they aren’t listening? What do you do when parents have given up on their children? Do you just walk away from them? Do you give up? Do you try harder? How hard do you continue to give? Do you try hard enough to get your own story made into a touching “wonderful teacher who changes the odds and it all comes to a tear-jerking happy ending for each student involved?” Do those teachers actually affect EACH student like that? Is that even possible to turn around the lives of every single student? Do you try for that? Do you settle for one? Do you settle for none but just be satisfied that you tried? Do you stay sane by searching for a new job for next year? Do you put your all into the one you have? What do you do when you feel like you just can’t go on? What do you do?

What am I supposed to do?

First Days

I have successfully completed my first two days of school of my second year of teaching. Phew. I'm exhausted. I'm finding this year a challenge once again already, yet for different reasons than the last. Last year was just flat out horrible. Our lack of resources, having students who didn't actually want to be there and weren't invested in our school, the craziness of having 4 brand new teachers try to start a brand new school in a crazy district.

This year the stress has been different. We didn't find out our entire staff until the day before school started. We still are lacking resources but at least we have some semblence of academic "classrooms." We have more authority since we are now an in-district charter school versus being a mere program in the department of alternative education. So things are better. I know more, I have a year of "teaching" (if that's what you want to call it) under my belt. I have a much better understanding of Big Picture's innovative and radical philosophy on education.

Yet knowing more is both a blessing and a curse. I understand and was able to better prepare, but I am also not as naively hopeful that things will work out just right. Unfortunately, I'm a bit of a perfectionist, and as I'm being reminded again this year, being a teacher also means being able to have some flexibility to your plans. This is a work in progress.

I will admit that I started my year off being miserable. I made myself miserable. I've been stuck in a negative attitude for the past few weeks. It's been hard to get myself out of that. The first day went better than I could have ever imagined. Almost all of my students showed up (11 of the now 13 that I have, yes, my class doubled in size because we combined the 11th and 12th graders). They were all well-behaved. They gave me their full attention. They did as asked. They didn't curse or throw things or talk back. The day went relatively smoothly. And yet, as the students were leaving I almost couldn't hold back the tears of frustration and discouragement, both of which had no real cause.

Today was equally as amazing. Had a few absent students, but those who showed up were basically picture perfect students. They tried hard, they participated in discussions and activities. They even worked in groups, which was something that I never succeeded at last year. So I should feel ecstatically enthused that the year is starting off on such a good note. Yet I'm not. And I have no idea why.

Maybe it's just the season of life that I'm in. I know that God has not been revealing Himself to me in the same obvious ways that He has in the past. I struggle with prayer and with connecting and really feeling Him with me. We are starting a sermon series at Jacob's Well on Ecclesiastes, which I'm pumped about since it deals with the idea of seasons of life and living in a world that is temporary. Whatever the cause of my stagnancy, whatever the purpose, I know that I need to continue to trust in the Lord. I need to work on finding joy in any situation and focusing on seeing the way He is working through me, rather than on all the things that I cannot do on my own. Thankfully He uses me despite my weaknesses and faults and sin. That thought alone brings me to my knees.