First Days

I have successfully completed my first two days of school of my second year of teaching. Phew. I'm exhausted. I'm finding this year a challenge once again already, yet for different reasons than the last. Last year was just flat out horrible. Our lack of resources, having students who didn't actually want to be there and weren't invested in our school, the craziness of having 4 brand new teachers try to start a brand new school in a crazy district.

This year the stress has been different. We didn't find out our entire staff until the day before school started. We still are lacking resources but at least we have some semblence of academic "classrooms." We have more authority since we are now an in-district charter school versus being a mere program in the department of alternative education. So things are better. I know more, I have a year of "teaching" (if that's what you want to call it) under my belt. I have a much better understanding of Big Picture's innovative and radical philosophy on education.

Yet knowing more is both a blessing and a curse. I understand and was able to better prepare, but I am also not as naively hopeful that things will work out just right. Unfortunately, I'm a bit of a perfectionist, and as I'm being reminded again this year, being a teacher also means being able to have some flexibility to your plans. This is a work in progress.

I will admit that I started my year off being miserable. I made myself miserable. I've been stuck in a negative attitude for the past few weeks. It's been hard to get myself out of that. The first day went better than I could have ever imagined. Almost all of my students showed up (11 of the now 13 that I have, yes, my class doubled in size because we combined the 11th and 12th graders). They were all well-behaved. They gave me their full attention. They did as asked. They didn't curse or throw things or talk back. The day went relatively smoothly. And yet, as the students were leaving I almost couldn't hold back the tears of frustration and discouragement, both of which had no real cause.

Today was equally as amazing. Had a few absent students, but those who showed up were basically picture perfect students. They tried hard, they participated in discussions and activities. They even worked in groups, which was something that I never succeeded at last year. So I should feel ecstatically enthused that the year is starting off on such a good note. Yet I'm not. And I have no idea why.

Maybe it's just the season of life that I'm in. I know that God has not been revealing Himself to me in the same obvious ways that He has in the past. I struggle with prayer and with connecting and really feeling Him with me. We are starting a sermon series at Jacob's Well on Ecclesiastes, which I'm pumped about since it deals with the idea of seasons of life and living in a world that is temporary. Whatever the cause of my stagnancy, whatever the purpose, I know that I need to continue to trust in the Lord. I need to work on finding joy in any situation and focusing on seeing the way He is working through me, rather than on all the things that I cannot do on my own. Thankfully He uses me despite my weaknesses and faults and sin. That thought alone brings me to my knees.