Million

It has been 2 years since I moved to NJ. That's crazy. So much has happened in these short 24 months. I don't feel like the same person as the girl who graduated, went through TFA training, and this day 2 years ago was saying goodbye to those she loved at her best friend's wedding and flying back to begin her new life.

Never in a million years would I have thought I would have found such a home here in Jersey... enough to decide to stay for round 3. Teaching has been hard. I can't believe I'm a TFA alumni... I don't feel old or experienced enough to deserve that distinction. Yet, here I am. I have an amazing fiance and a wonderful church family that I feel like I've known forever. I have been blessed with laughter and fun times (while not perhaps as silly as college yet meaningful and fullfilling none-the-less). I have learned a lot about myself and about life in the inner city. I've seen hopelessness and defeat, but I've also seen some triumphs, however small. I've been encouraged and loved and stretched and shaped. I've seen NYC on a regular basis, I know about the streets of Newark, I've fallen in love, and I've visited Indiana more than once. I'm not really sure when all of that happened, it seems like a moment ago that it never existed.

While I have grown in many ways, I still feel stuck in others. I still struggle with understanding why God has me here. Teaching was supposed to be the most rewarding thing that I would do, but I have not found that so, although, my own reward isn't the reason I'm here. I'm going back to teach math but not sure what will happen after. The amount of friends I have has grown, but so has the loneliness when no one is around. I've finished books, but my shelf is still full of ones I have yet to read.

I really never would have thought that I would be here if you asked me when I graduated 2 years ago. In many many ways it's better than I could have ever imagined, but it others it's been plain frustrating. Inner city was never something I thought I would be called to and I'm still not sure if it's where I will end up. I have loved my students but have struggled with knowing how to teach them well. And so I find that God still has me in a place where I need to trust Him.

When He lead me to NJ, it wasn't a direct answer, but He clearly opened the door and I have experienced many great things since I walked through it. So having that in my very recent memory, why on earth is it still so hard to trust that He's got the next chapter covered as well? I stress and contemplate and worry that I don't know what I want to do with my life or where He wants A.J. and I to go. Pure silliness. Some of Jesus' last words were, "Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God and trust also in me."

Thus, as I continue to attend weddings (with mine also on the way), I find that I am still no closer to understanding what God has in store or His mysterious ways. It's these times when I would never in a million years imagine where He has brought me or will take me that I also desire the time a million years from now when I will be in His glorious presence. Weddings will just keep on coming until the Bridesgroom returns to call us home. Until then, there's not much left to do but trust in the million ways that He is good.