Pancho

2 weeks ago I got sick. The Friday that I returned to school I was not feeling the greatest, very weak and honestly not in the mood to deal with teenagers all day long. However, 3rd period came around and a class of 9th graders entered my room. They were a bit rowdy (it was Friday after all) and so I braced myself for a tiring lots-of-energy-required-to-keep-students-focused class.

Then the unexpected happened. Some of the girls chose to sit way in the back. When I asked them to move forward their response was they couldn't because their [imaginary] friend Pancho was sitting in their normal seat up front. I took a deep breath, ready to chastise them and tell them again to move forward, but then I rethought myself. Why not just go with it? So I did. And all class I acknowledged Pancho as a student. He even gave a 10 second presentation since he was "absent" when the rest of the class presented. And you know what? The class went from stressful to fun. The kids got a kick out of it and it made me smile to play make-believe with them while not hindering the lesson for the day.

Since then I've been reflecting on Pancho. I think he has taught me a valuable lesson that has been in the back of my mind, but my busy responsibilities have kept it from me: That it's ok to have fun with my students, that it's ok to enjoy life. Since I've started teaching I've been trying to figure out who I am as a teacher. So far I've been trying to assert my authority (and all that jazz) that I've forgotten my "camp counselor" side where I connect with teenagers through silliness and at times, deep thought.

I feel like this idea of having fun also is a bigger reminder for my life outside of my job as well. To this point, this year has been full of work and stress and more work and more stress. I haven't been doing a whole lot to enjoy myself or spend time in fellowship with others. A whole month has gone by and I don't think I've talked to anyone outside of A.J. and my roomates for more than 20 minutes. I'm just trying to survive day-to-day. I tried to shake it up and decided to take a tap class, but last week when I went I couldn't help but feel how tense my body was from all my anxiety and my workload.

Then if I zoom out even more, I am convicted of the fact that I have been treating my relationship with God as another thing on my to-do list. Another burden that I have to carry. I've been stressing about getting back to the constant fellowship I felt with Him when I was in college. But I've spent so much time analyzing what I'm doing wrong that I've forgotten that it's as simple as just loving Him and worshipping Him with all my heart, after that the rest will follow.

I want so much for my time in Newark to mean something, to be worth it. But I think I might be trying too hard. I stress about not connecting with my students or not being able to love them well cause I want to also teach them well. Pancho was a reminder that I can teach and love and have fun and connect just by being myself and enjoying where God has me, by enjoying Him and realizing His love for me.

This short life has so much more to offer than a paycheck and pat on the back for lessons well-planned. There's love and joy at every corner where He's waiting for us to join in.