Two and a half weeks of wonderful fellowship and enjoying a new chapter of life. I got to have all my friends and family from all of my worlds in one place together, I became a wife, and I got to spend two wonderful relaxing weeks with my new husband.
Then I came back to reality and I truly got slapped in the face. As expected, after not having their math teacher for a week and a half, then getting a week away from academia (which to a teenager always manages to seem so much longer than just a week), coming back was less than a treat. Resulting from this time away, students have grown in disrespect and apathy toward all things school (and especially math) related. Unfortunately, this makes my job something similar to torture.
Needless to say, coming back to work has not been easy. In fact, things kind of feel worse than ever before. This issue perplexes me. I’ve had quite a rough time the past 2 and a half, almost 3, years and yet I’m more depressed and downcast now than ever before. After some reflection I have come to the conclusion that this is because there is a lack of hope and purpose this year.
Due to poor administration, as the year has progressed it has felt like we’ve gotten further and further away from the goal we had when we began. Our school is supposed to have a unique model, but students are no longer allowed to go on internships, they’re not doing projects, they’re not doing anything related to what they’re interested in. The leadership and freedom of the staff has been limited to sticking to a dry curriculum (which we are far behind in) instead of pursuing interdisciplinary learning. The integrity of the teachers is continuously called into question by the administration, which makes me feel like I’m guilty for something I’ve done but I’m not sure what it is. There is a lack of trust and there is no real goal for the school other than the vague one of having data that shows “growth.”
All of these things make me not care about teaching well. If I’m hounded about the 6 sick days that I took since September and made to feel guilty about them, then I am much less likely to continue arriving an hour early and staying late every day to give students extra tutoring. If I am told my lessons aren’t rigorous without any advice for improvement when I feel that I’m already working my butt off, then that makes me want to throw in the towel and say, “whatever.” When staff members are being lectured for things we haven’t done wrong while students aren’t held accountable at all (students coming in with alcohol and throwing things around a room aren’t suspended), why should I keep trying? The terrible culture that is developing as a result is causing the staff to put forth zero extra effort, which is making the students bored, which results in poor student behavior, which results in an even more frustrated staff. It’s a very bad cycle that we’re stuck in with no vision for the future of the school.
When I think back to years previous when things got bad, I feel like I always was able to remind myself what the staff was working towards together. Now, there’s nothing to look to. Everyone’s kind of given up and it’s made this place something akin to a prison for all involved. This attitude is what consumes me most days. It’s hard to come to work, hard to see the positives in my students (they’re still there, but harder to notice), hard to have patience, hard to want to plan exciting lessons, hard to care about student growth when students are so disrespectful and un-invested. It’s quite depressing.
It’s then just easy to forget why God put me here in the first place. I’m not seeing any fruit of my work. I can see myself making bad teacher-moves; Yelling at students, not showing them love or understanding, not spending time on lessons so they’re as boring as a wall, not investing them. I have begun to completely dislike who I am in this place. And it’s a big hole that feels so hard to get out of. I know all the strategies in my head, but it’s so hard to execute them. I’m just weary and tired and counting down the weeks until school is over, which is not a fun place to be. I also am confused with where God wants me next, but I feel sure that staying here might completely drain away my hope in the world (I know I’m being a bit dramatic but that is definitely what it feels like).
My wonderful husband continues to remind me that most of my thoughts aren’t true. There are some things that I cannot change, but even in the midst of it I am still doing my job and doing it well. I feel things very deeply, especially for my students. I want so badly for them to succeed for their own growth as young people. I attribute any success or positives to God working in my life, for I am sinful and broken and continue to make mistakes. I feel downcast and full of turmoil…. So in this season of a crappy job, A.J. has reminded me of this Psalm:
As a deer pants for flowing streams,
so pants my soul for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God,
for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food
day and night,
while they say to me all the day long,
“Where is your God?”
These things I remember,
as I pour out my soul:
how I would go with the throng
and lead them in procession to the house of God
with glad shouts and songs of praise,
a multitude keeping festival.
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.
My soul is cast down within me;
therefore I remember you
from the land of Jordan and of Hermon,
from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep
at the roar of your waterfalls;
all your breakers and your waves
have gone over me.
By day the LORD commands his steadfast love,
and at night his song is with me,
a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God, my rock:
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning
because of the oppression of the enemy?”
As with a deadly wound in my bones,
my adversaries taunt me,
while they say to me all the day long,
“Where is your God?”
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.
(Psalm 42 ESV)
4.19.2012
3.04.2012
Swimming
I get married 3 weeks from yesterday. Everytime I think about it I get this weird feeling of panicked excitement. Time has flown so fast. I can remember that a year ago A.J. and I were still looking for venues and trying to find a cool place to get married. Now we're having to make decisions on little details that I never would have even thought twice about at the time.
More and more things seem to continue to pile onto my long checklist that seems neverending. Of course, unexpected life things always get thrown at you, too, like on Thursday when I managed to drop a whiteboard on my foot and had to take Friday off from work because I couldn't walk, or how yesterday after a good productive day of planning and purchasing things for our new home A.J. gets 2 flat tires as he drops me off at my apartment in the evening. And it's so tempting in moments like today (on a Sunday morning before church) to wake up early and try and get more things done. Heck, this weekend was the women's retreat at Jacob's Well but I just couldn't find the time in my schedule to do that plus lesson plan, plus plan for the week of school that I'll be taking off, plus start moving into our new apartment, plus get all the details in place for the wedding. But then I also remember how quickly I can get worn out if I don't take time to rest in God's peace. So this morning I wanted to stop and reflect for a moment and update this blog probably for the last time as Miss Nichole Smith.
While my level of energy has not increased much from the last few times I've managed to write on here, I do feel a better sense of peace and joy. It has been a struggle for these past two months. I'm pretty sure I cry every night from stress and just being plain overwhelmed. My job is not sustainable this year and on top of everything else I always feel like I'm precariously perched on a ledge and that the slightest breeze will push me over so that I fall into the sea of breakdowns where I would surely drown. Yet, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." I have managed to get through things day by day and am trying to let the only One who can give true rest infiltrate my heart.
Three years ago in my final semester of college, I never thought I would get to this place in my faith. I can remember having such trust in God that He would get me through whatever adventure was next. The peace I felt from being filled by the Holy Spirit was so amazing and uplifting. I couldn't get over how in love with Christ I was. Then real-life seemed to happen. I got thrown into TFA teacher boot camp, moved to the strange land of New Jersey where I knew absolutely no one, and began three of the most stressful years in the classroom that I hope to ever have to endure.
And even now, it's so easy to just focus on that negative stuff. To think about the stress and the discouragement. But that's not all that's happened in three years. Yes, I've let life get in the way of my trust in God and most days I seem to lose focus on Him as my eyes shift to the worries and cares of this life. But even still, He has done so much more than I could have ever asked or thought of. In these three years I've found Jacob's Well and the wonderful church community who's so determined to live out God's love with each other and in the places we live. God brought A.J. and I together in a way that only He can, and while I'm nervous to become a wife, I can't imagine being with any one else. A.J. seems so perfectly made for me that I can't believe I ever doubt whether or not I can handle this next stage of life. Even through the long-distance relationship we got to know each other in incredible ways and I also got to grow close with many other friends here that I might not have done if I was with A.J. all the time. And while work has been tough, I have indeed learned so very much while teaching in Newark. There has not been as much "success" as I would have expected, but there has been many great moments with students and with my own growth. I have to remember that God does everything for a reason and that this time might just be to prepare me for what's next.
So all of that to say, when I reflect and think on all these things, I realize how much more thankful I need to be and how, even in my moments of darkness when I felt so alone, God was there watching me and guiding my footsteps.
This past week as I continued the weary cycle of driving to work, dealing with students with attitudes, driving home from work, working when I'm home, sleeping, waking and doing it all over again, I tried to encourage myself to take it one moment at a time. And oddly enough I Dory's song from Finding Nemo won't get out of my head, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming," which made me laugh. Yet is was also a good reminder that even though the currents of life will come, He gives me the strength to keep moving through them.
More and more things seem to continue to pile onto my long checklist that seems neverending. Of course, unexpected life things always get thrown at you, too, like on Thursday when I managed to drop a whiteboard on my foot and had to take Friday off from work because I couldn't walk, or how yesterday after a good productive day of planning and purchasing things for our new home A.J. gets 2 flat tires as he drops me off at my apartment in the evening. And it's so tempting in moments like today (on a Sunday morning before church) to wake up early and try and get more things done. Heck, this weekend was the women's retreat at Jacob's Well but I just couldn't find the time in my schedule to do that plus lesson plan, plus plan for the week of school that I'll be taking off, plus start moving into our new apartment, plus get all the details in place for the wedding. But then I also remember how quickly I can get worn out if I don't take time to rest in God's peace. So this morning I wanted to stop and reflect for a moment and update this blog probably for the last time as Miss Nichole Smith.
While my level of energy has not increased much from the last few times I've managed to write on here, I do feel a better sense of peace and joy. It has been a struggle for these past two months. I'm pretty sure I cry every night from stress and just being plain overwhelmed. My job is not sustainable this year and on top of everything else I always feel like I'm precariously perched on a ledge and that the slightest breeze will push me over so that I fall into the sea of breakdowns where I would surely drown. Yet, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." I have managed to get through things day by day and am trying to let the only One who can give true rest infiltrate my heart.
Three years ago in my final semester of college, I never thought I would get to this place in my faith. I can remember having such trust in God that He would get me through whatever adventure was next. The peace I felt from being filled by the Holy Spirit was so amazing and uplifting. I couldn't get over how in love with Christ I was. Then real-life seemed to happen. I got thrown into TFA teacher boot camp, moved to the strange land of New Jersey where I knew absolutely no one, and began three of the most stressful years in the classroom that I hope to ever have to endure.
And even now, it's so easy to just focus on that negative stuff. To think about the stress and the discouragement. But that's not all that's happened in three years. Yes, I've let life get in the way of my trust in God and most days I seem to lose focus on Him as my eyes shift to the worries and cares of this life. But even still, He has done so much more than I could have ever asked or thought of. In these three years I've found Jacob's Well and the wonderful church community who's so determined to live out God's love with each other and in the places we live. God brought A.J. and I together in a way that only He can, and while I'm nervous to become a wife, I can't imagine being with any one else. A.J. seems so perfectly made for me that I can't believe I ever doubt whether or not I can handle this next stage of life. Even through the long-distance relationship we got to know each other in incredible ways and I also got to grow close with many other friends here that I might not have done if I was with A.J. all the time. And while work has been tough, I have indeed learned so very much while teaching in Newark. There has not been as much "success" as I would have expected, but there has been many great moments with students and with my own growth. I have to remember that God does everything for a reason and that this time might just be to prepare me for what's next.
So all of that to say, when I reflect and think on all these things, I realize how much more thankful I need to be and how, even in my moments of darkness when I felt so alone, God was there watching me and guiding my footsteps.
This past week as I continued the weary cycle of driving to work, dealing with students with attitudes, driving home from work, working when I'm home, sleeping, waking and doing it all over again, I tried to encourage myself to take it one moment at a time. And oddly enough I Dory's song from Finding Nemo won't get out of my head, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming," which made me laugh. Yet is was also a good reminder that even though the currents of life will come, He gives me the strength to keep moving through them.
1.18.2012
Still Weary
It's a new year and I am still just as exhausted. I have turned my gaze from my hope and joy in Christ to all the stress of a timultuous school system, plans for the wedding, and general overwhelming-ness from my checklists and things I want to get done.
Despite the frustrations, as always, there are bright spots of joy:
Despite the frustrations, as always, there are bright spots of joy:
- A.J. has returned to New Jersey after completing his student teaching in Indiana and has been absolutely phenomenal and supportive. It's good to have him back.
- I've started thinking about job opportunities for next year since so much is up in the air at the moment here, so there's always the excitement of new possibilities.
- While I mostly have let dread invade my feelings about school, there are always some of students who do or say sweet things; One 10th grade student stayed after for a tutoring session to help his friend and was using funny comments like "Ok, here's how you do it, now you try and show me what work you did," and, "What are you having trouble with? No, don't point, communicate, use your words."
- A.J. and I signed a lease for our first apartment that includes washer/dryer, dishwasher, and carpet! We'll be able to start the slow move of our things at the end of February.
- The wedding is drawing closer and while there is always more to do we have gotten a lot completed so far and have had great help and encouragement from friends.
It's been hard to find the energy to reflect on things when I've been so down, but I trust that God is still working and doing things in my life. Hopefully I'll get around to writing more often.
12.14.2011
Weary
Well my idea to use photography as an incentive to blog totally didn't work. I also for a moment had the idea of sharing funny student stories... but then never got around to that.
To be honest I am feeling very burdened and weary these past few weeks. My job is wearing on me, I'm stressed way more than I would ever want to admit, and I'm just plain tired. So many students are disrespectful and it's driving me nuts, the administration of NPS is such a mess it gives me a headache just thinking about it, let alone actually having to work in it every day. Internships for the students have been cancelled temporarily until the district "approves" them so our entire school schedule is thrown off, making the weeks extremely long and tiring. And at the end of the day I'm pretty sure that the benefits and "rewards" don't outweigh the amount of work it takes. It doesn't really feel worth it.
All of this is leading me to the conclusion that after 3 years of struggle and frustration perhaps I am not really cut out for inner city education. Maybe that makes me a bad teacher, maybe I'm just too emotional and take things too personally, I don't know. But I do know that I'm tired and feeling burnt out.
Not sure what's next for me, so prayers are appreciated. Hopefully it's just that time of year and things will improve in a month or so. I'll try to keep this updated.
Yet through all the struggle, stress, and tears I can lean on this:
"Then Jesus said, 'Come to me all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light." - Matthew 11:28-30
To be honest I am feeling very burdened and weary these past few weeks. My job is wearing on me, I'm stressed way more than I would ever want to admit, and I'm just plain tired. So many students are disrespectful and it's driving me nuts, the administration of NPS is such a mess it gives me a headache just thinking about it, let alone actually having to work in it every day. Internships for the students have been cancelled temporarily until the district "approves" them so our entire school schedule is thrown off, making the weeks extremely long and tiring. And at the end of the day I'm pretty sure that the benefits and "rewards" don't outweigh the amount of work it takes. It doesn't really feel worth it.
All of this is leading me to the conclusion that after 3 years of struggle and frustration perhaps I am not really cut out for inner city education. Maybe that makes me a bad teacher, maybe I'm just too emotional and take things too personally, I don't know. But I do know that I'm tired and feeling burnt out.
Not sure what's next for me, so prayers are appreciated. Hopefully it's just that time of year and things will improve in a month or so. I'll try to keep this updated.
Yet through all the struggle, stress, and tears I can lean on this:
"Then Jesus said, 'Come to me all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light." - Matthew 11:28-30
10.25.2011
Photography
I love photography. If I had to quit my job and take up a new career at this moment, that is what I would choose.
This time of year makes me want to take pictures... obviously because of the beautiful colors that God paints our world with, but also because of the nostalgic feeling I often get during the fall season. I have a tendency to think more about life, about the past and where God has brought me, as well as thinking about how soon this moment will become another memory to be collected and cherished. Pictures help capture those moments. Happiness, sadness, nostalgia. I thank God that we have the brains to have created such awesome technology where we can actually freeze a moment in time and look at it whenever we choose. It's pretty awesome, especially nowadays that technology is at the tips of our fingers.
I got a new digital SLR camera for Christmas and have played with it a bit, but have not had the time to sit down and really study and figure out what everything means. I also do not have the capability on my small-memory laptop to get a program that allows me to fully edit photos. When it comes down to it, I really have no idea what I'm doing, but I'm enjoying the process and want to learn more.
So in the hopes that maybe I'll want to start taking more pictures to post on here, enjoy some pictures I took last fall in Princeton:
This time of year makes me want to take pictures... obviously because of the beautiful colors that God paints our world with, but also because of the nostalgic feeling I often get during the fall season. I have a tendency to think more about life, about the past and where God has brought me, as well as thinking about how soon this moment will become another memory to be collected and cherished. Pictures help capture those moments. Happiness, sadness, nostalgia. I thank God that we have the brains to have created such awesome technology where we can actually freeze a moment in time and look at it whenever we choose. It's pretty awesome, especially nowadays that technology is at the tips of our fingers.
I got a new digital SLR camera for Christmas and have played with it a bit, but have not had the time to sit down and really study and figure out what everything means. I also do not have the capability on my small-memory laptop to get a program that allows me to fully edit photos. When it comes down to it, I really have no idea what I'm doing, but I'm enjoying the process and want to learn more.
So in the hopes that maybe I'll want to start taking more pictures to post on here, enjoy some pictures I took last fall in Princeton:
10.17.2011
Hobbies
A.J. is in full swing with his student teaching and he recently made the comment that teachers don't have time to enjoy any hobbies. After reading Becky's blog and learning about her very busy first year, after talking with my roomate who is also a first year teacher, and then thinking about my own day as a third year teacher teaching new content so it's basically like I'm still a first year teacher, I decided to write about hobbies.
If I wasn't a teacher (or had any sort of responsible job) and had all the time in the world to do the things I love, here are some of the things I would do:
- Spend real time learning about photography and seriously start considering pursuing that further
- Read a book for fun
- Play my guitar more often
- Finish knitting the scarf I started working on 3 years ago
- Update this blog
- Plan the best wedding anyone's ever attended
- Call all my friends and family who I haven't had time (or energy) to consistently keep in touch with
- Practice my tap dance routine (that's right.. I am having fun with one hobby at the moment... I'm taking an adult tap class)
- Organize my music (because I'm a dork and I like organizing)
- Learn how to crochet
- Spend time in fellowship and good conversation with others over cups of coffee
- Put together the puzzle I got for Christmas 2 years ago
- Clean our apartment (not quite a hobby but in desperate need of being done)
- Learn the dance moves to the final song in Burlesque
- Take up the violin
- Brush up on my Espanol
- Audition for a community theatre production
- Watch all the movies I've been meaning to see
- Plan out a meal, go shopping for that meal, and actually cook the meal
- Learn German
- Alphabetize every book and movie and thing that has a title in our apartment
- Solve world hunger
Oh how I wish I had time for my hobbies.
10.03.2011
Bad Day
Today was a bad day. And it was my fault. Which made it an even bad-er day.
It started off just fine. I got a lot of planning done over the weekend and have my whole week ready to go. I was slatted to administer the HSPA re-take on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday so I had everything set and was ready to give directions to my students.
Period 2: Forgot half the things I needed to tell my students. Spent the first 20 minutes of class talking at them about logistics. Lame way to start a Monday. Then struggled with them through the material that they understood on Friday but I managed to make more confusing today.
Period 3: Was thrown off by the previous class not going according to plan. Rushed to get Do Now up on the board which some how the kids still don't understand that they're supposed to do it... now. Then realized that they didn't get the homework from the previous day and I wanted to review it. So the review took much longer than planned and I barely got through the intended lesson. No time to practice, so the kids have most likely already forgotten it.
Lunch Duty: Went in. Was told that I need to meet with the principal to go over details of the HSPA and so I needed to take my lunch now and meet in half an hour. I would miss my Period 6 class but my coordinator would cover it for me, I just need to write up the plans for her.
End of Lunch: Check my e-mail before heading downstairs to find that there was a new HSPA proctor and examiner list sent out and my name wasn't on it.
Meeting: Go downstairs. Get affirmation from the principal that they joined two of the testing rooms so they didn't need all the teachers. Since I'm so busy they decided to have me not do it and let me get back to class. Felt slightly weird about that because I'm no busier than the other math teacher who is still giving the test. Felt like I was being dismissed cause I complained too much or something, but I don't think I did. So that threw me off.
Period 6: Officially flustered as I'm still trying to get better at being flexible. Class goes ok. Several of the students were having bad days and were not participating.
Period 7: Special education coordinator comes to observe some of the classified students in my class, which is a disaster for even the students who are on-level academically since there are 29 kids packed into my room, the majority of them disrespectful and talkative most of the time and it's impossible to stay focused. I also had a gigantic stack of papers to pass back. The kids all decided to skip out on the first 10 minutes of class...awesome. We got started late, by the time I passed back their things I was ridiculously off schedule and flustered since there was someone else in my room watching. Period ended with too quick of a lesson, not enough practice, and me saying "oh well, it's your fault you still need to do the homework" and to top it all off I lost patience and yelled. Great.
Period 8: My face was red and flustered from Period 7. Didn't get anything prepped so the kids came in and I was just done mentally. Tried to act not too affected by my day. The kids were great and understanding. But due to my lack of caring and lack of management by the end of the class period there was a lot of unruly chatter and confusion as the kids were talking over me and I couldn't get anything done.
End of day: Student comes in for extra help (finally someone is using my offer to stay after school.. just happened to not be the day I felt like doing it). Ended up with him probably more confused than when he came in.
Post-end of the day: Find out a student has a problem with me. Don't know why, don't know why... cherry on top of the cake.
Finally leave school: Stop at the gym cause if I don't I'll be even more miserable since I was planning on going for the first time in 2 months. Ended up only staying for 20 minutes. Lame. Went grocery shopping. Not a good idea to do when you're upset and hungry and tired.
El fin.
Lessons learned:
1. I still have a lot to learn as a teacher.
1b. I'm really not that good at instruction. If another student raises their hand and says, "I don't understand," I might cry.
1c. I have no idea what to do when one student doesn't get it but I'll lose the rest of the class if I stop to help that one and I have no times in between classes to have them stay and no one comes to my room after school for assistance.
2. My bad mood definitely affects my students, which I see more now that I have 5 classes a day instead of being with the same students. Before it was easy to just blame the bad days on them. Now it is very clearly mostly because of me.
3. I need to find a better way to pass back homework. My procedures suck in my classroom and they are causing me to flounder.
4. I need to be better prepared with modifications and extra work so students of all levels can function and learn.
5. I still talk too much. I need to let the kids practice more. At least the first few weeks were jam-packed with hands on fun things. I guess I can take a hit this week.
Here's to tomorrow.
It started off just fine. I got a lot of planning done over the weekend and have my whole week ready to go. I was slatted to administer the HSPA re-take on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday so I had everything set and was ready to give directions to my students.
Period 2: Forgot half the things I needed to tell my students. Spent the first 20 minutes of class talking at them about logistics. Lame way to start a Monday. Then struggled with them through the material that they understood on Friday but I managed to make more confusing today.
Period 3: Was thrown off by the previous class not going according to plan. Rushed to get Do Now up on the board which some how the kids still don't understand that they're supposed to do it... now. Then realized that they didn't get the homework from the previous day and I wanted to review it. So the review took much longer than planned and I barely got through the intended lesson. No time to practice, so the kids have most likely already forgotten it.
Lunch Duty: Went in. Was told that I need to meet with the principal to go over details of the HSPA and so I needed to take my lunch now and meet in half an hour. I would miss my Period 6 class but my coordinator would cover it for me, I just need to write up the plans for her.
End of Lunch: Check my e-mail before heading downstairs to find that there was a new HSPA proctor and examiner list sent out and my name wasn't on it.
Meeting: Go downstairs. Get affirmation from the principal that they joined two of the testing rooms so they didn't need all the teachers. Since I'm so busy they decided to have me not do it and let me get back to class. Felt slightly weird about that because I'm no busier than the other math teacher who is still giving the test. Felt like I was being dismissed cause I complained too much or something, but I don't think I did. So that threw me off.
Period 6: Officially flustered as I'm still trying to get better at being flexible. Class goes ok. Several of the students were having bad days and were not participating.
Period 7: Special education coordinator comes to observe some of the classified students in my class, which is a disaster for even the students who are on-level academically since there are 29 kids packed into my room, the majority of them disrespectful and talkative most of the time and it's impossible to stay focused. I also had a gigantic stack of papers to pass back. The kids all decided to skip out on the first 10 minutes of class...awesome. We got started late, by the time I passed back their things I was ridiculously off schedule and flustered since there was someone else in my room watching. Period ended with too quick of a lesson, not enough practice, and me saying "oh well, it's your fault you still need to do the homework" and to top it all off I lost patience and yelled. Great.
Period 8: My face was red and flustered from Period 7. Didn't get anything prepped so the kids came in and I was just done mentally. Tried to act not too affected by my day. The kids were great and understanding. But due to my lack of caring and lack of management by the end of the class period there was a lot of unruly chatter and confusion as the kids were talking over me and I couldn't get anything done.
End of day: Student comes in for extra help (finally someone is using my offer to stay after school.. just happened to not be the day I felt like doing it). Ended up with him probably more confused than when he came in.
Post-end of the day: Find out a student has a problem with me. Don't know why, don't know why... cherry on top of the cake.
Finally leave school: Stop at the gym cause if I don't I'll be even more miserable since I was planning on going for the first time in 2 months. Ended up only staying for 20 minutes. Lame. Went grocery shopping. Not a good idea to do when you're upset and hungry and tired.
El fin.
Lessons learned:
1. I still have a lot to learn as a teacher.
1b. I'm really not that good at instruction. If another student raises their hand and says, "I don't understand," I might cry.
1c. I have no idea what to do when one student doesn't get it but I'll lose the rest of the class if I stop to help that one and I have no times in between classes to have them stay and no one comes to my room after school for assistance.
2. My bad mood definitely affects my students, which I see more now that I have 5 classes a day instead of being with the same students. Before it was easy to just blame the bad days on them. Now it is very clearly mostly because of me.
3. I need to find a better way to pass back homework. My procedures suck in my classroom and they are causing me to flounder.
4. I need to be better prepared with modifications and extra work so students of all levels can function and learn.
5. I still talk too much. I need to let the kids practice more. At least the first few weeks were jam-packed with hands on fun things. I guess I can take a hit this week.
Here's to tomorrow.
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