More and more things seem to continue to pile onto my long checklist that seems neverending. Of course, unexpected life things always get thrown at you, too, like on Thursday when I managed to drop a whiteboard on my foot and had to take Friday off from work because I couldn't walk, or how yesterday after a good productive day of planning and purchasing things for our new home A.J. gets 2 flat tires as he drops me off at my apartment in the evening. And it's so tempting in moments like today (on a Sunday morning before church) to wake up early and try and get more things done. Heck, this weekend was the women's retreat at Jacob's Well but I just couldn't find the time in my schedule to do that plus lesson plan, plus plan for the week of school that I'll be taking off, plus start moving into our new apartment, plus get all the details in place for the wedding. But then I also remember how quickly I can get worn out if I don't take time to rest in God's peace. So this morning I wanted to stop and reflect for a moment and update this blog probably for the last time as Miss Nichole Smith.
While my level of energy has not increased much from the last few times I've managed to write on here, I do feel a better sense of peace and joy. It has been a struggle for these past two months. I'm pretty sure I cry every night from stress and just being plain overwhelmed. My job is not sustainable this year and on top of everything else I always feel like I'm precariously perched on a ledge and that the slightest breeze will push me over so that I fall into the sea of breakdowns where I would surely drown. Yet, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." I have managed to get through things day by day and am trying to let the only One who can give true rest infiltrate my heart.
Three years ago in my final semester of college, I never thought I would get to this place in my faith. I can remember having such trust in God that He would get me through whatever adventure was next. The peace I felt from being filled by the Holy Spirit was so amazing and uplifting. I couldn't get over how in love with Christ I was. Then real-life seemed to happen. I got thrown into TFA teacher boot camp, moved to the strange land of New Jersey where I knew absolutely no one, and began three of the most stressful years in the classroom that I hope to ever have to endure.
And even now, it's so easy to just focus on that negative stuff. To think about the stress and the discouragement. But that's not all that's happened in three years. Yes, I've let life get in the way of my trust in God and most days I seem to lose focus on Him as my eyes shift to the worries and cares of this life. But even still, He has done so much more than I could have ever asked or thought of. In these three years I've found Jacob's Well and the wonderful church community who's so determined to live out God's love with each other and in the places we live. God brought A.J. and I together in a way that only He can, and while I'm nervous to become a wife, I can't imagine being with any one else. A.J. seems so perfectly made for me that I can't believe I ever doubt whether or not I can handle this next stage of life. Even through the long-distance relationship we got to know each other in incredible ways and I also got to grow close with many other friends here that I might not have done if I was with A.J. all the time. And while work has been tough, I have indeed learned so very much while teaching in Newark. There has not been as much "success" as I would have expected, but there has been many great moments with students and with my own growth. I have to remember that God does everything for a reason and that this time might just be to prepare me for what's next.
So all of that to say, when I reflect and think on all these things, I realize how much more thankful I need to be and how, even in my moments of darkness when I felt so alone, God was there watching me and guiding my footsteps.
This past week as I continued the weary cycle of driving to work, dealing with students with attitudes, driving home from work, working when I'm home, sleeping, waking and doing it all over again, I tried to encourage myself to take it one moment at a time. And oddly enough I Dory's song from Finding Nemo won't get out of my head, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming," which made me laugh. Yet is was also a good reminder that even though the currents of life will come, He gives me the strength to keep moving through them.
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