Hope

Two and a half weeks of wonderful fellowship and enjoying a new chapter of life. I got to have all my friends and family from all of my worlds in one place together, I became a wife, and I got to spend two wonderful relaxing weeks with my new husband.

Then I came back to reality and I truly got slapped in the face. As expected, after not having their math teacher for a week and a half, then getting a week away from academia (which to a teenager always manages to seem so much longer than just a week), coming back was less than a treat. Resulting from this time away, students have grown in disrespect and apathy toward all things school (and especially math) related. Unfortunately, this makes my job something similar to torture.

Needless to say, coming back to work has not been easy. In fact, things kind of feel worse than ever before. This issue perplexes me. I’ve had quite a rough time the past 2 and a half, almost 3, years and yet I’m more depressed and downcast now than ever before. After some reflection I have come to the conclusion that this is because there is a lack of hope and purpose this year.

Due to poor administration, as the year has progressed it has felt like we’ve gotten further and further away from the goal we had when we began. Our school is supposed to have a unique model, but students are no longer allowed to go on internships, they’re not doing projects, they’re not doing anything related to what they’re interested in. The leadership and freedom of the staff has been limited to sticking to a dry curriculum (which we are far behind in) instead of pursuing interdisciplinary learning. The integrity of the teachers is continuously called into question by the administration, which makes me feel like I’m guilty for something I’ve done but I’m not sure what it is. There is a lack of trust and there is no real goal for the school other than the vague one of having data that shows “growth.”

All of these things make me not care about teaching well. If I’m hounded about the 6 sick days that I took since September and made to feel guilty about them, then I am much less likely to continue arriving an hour early and staying late every day to give students extra tutoring. If I am told my lessons aren’t rigorous without any advice for improvement when I feel that I’m already working my butt off, then that makes me want to throw in the towel and say, “whatever.” When staff members are being lectured for things we haven’t done wrong while students aren’t held accountable at all (students coming in with alcohol and throwing things around a room aren’t suspended), why should I keep trying? The terrible culture that is developing as a result is causing the staff to put forth zero extra effort, which is making the students bored, which results in poor student behavior, which results in an even more frustrated staff. It’s a very bad cycle that we’re stuck in with no vision for the future of the school.

When I think back to years previous when things got bad, I feel like I always was able to remind myself what the staff was working towards together. Now, there’s nothing to look to. Everyone’s kind of given up and it’s made this place something akin to a prison for all involved. This attitude is what consumes me most days. It’s hard to come to work, hard to see the positives in my students (they’re still there, but harder to notice), hard to have patience, hard to want to plan exciting lessons, hard to care about student growth when students are so disrespectful and un-invested. It’s quite depressing.

It’s then just easy to forget why God put me here in the first place. I’m not seeing any fruit of my work. I can see myself making bad teacher-moves; Yelling at students, not showing them love or understanding, not spending time on lessons so they’re as boring as a wall, not investing them. I have begun to completely dislike who I am in this place. And it’s a big hole that feels so hard to get out of. I know all the strategies in my head, but it’s so hard to execute them. I’m just weary and tired and counting down the weeks until school is over, which is not a fun place to be. I also am confused with where God wants me next, but I feel sure that staying here might completely drain away my hope in the world (I know I’m being a bit dramatic but that is definitely what it feels like).

My wonderful husband continues to remind me that most of my thoughts aren’t true. There are some things that I cannot change, but even in the midst of it I am still doing my job and doing it well. I feel things very deeply, especially for my students. I want so badly for them to succeed for their own growth as young people. I attribute any success or positives to God working in my life, for I am sinful and broken and continue to make mistakes. I feel downcast and full of turmoil…. So in this season of a crappy job, A.J. has reminded me of this Psalm:

As a deer pants for flowing streams,
so pants my soul for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God,
for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food
day and night,
while they say to me all the day long,
“Where is your God?”
These things I remember,
as I pour out my soul:
how I would go with the throng
and lead them in procession to the house of God
with glad shouts and songs of praise,
a multitude keeping festival.

Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.

My soul is cast down within me;
therefore I remember you
from the land of Jordan and of Hermon,
from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep
at the roar of your waterfalls;
all your breakers and your waves
have gone over me.
By day the LORD commands his steadfast love,
and at night his song is with me,
a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God, my rock:
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning
because of the oppression of the enemy?”
As with a deadly wound in my bones,
my adversaries taunt me,
while they say to me all the day long,
“Where is your God?”

Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.
(Psalm 42 ESV)