I have many flaws.
In college, I discovered that I had a need for approval. I can literally stress out about making a simple decision, like what clothes I should wear, if someone does not give me a thumbs up of approval. I start to get paranoid if a friend doesn't give their opinion when I ask, because I feel that I've done something wrong.
During college, God also convicted me of my need for approval in my talents and gifts. I was very involved with theatre when I was in high school and started to be in college, until I realized I was doing it just to be in the spotlight and hear people telling me what a great job I did. Acting on stage wasn't offensive to Him, but my terribly self-focused attitude about it was.
Now, I'm not a very competitive person when it comes to sports, but I've started to realize that I am when it comes to being one of the best at what I'm trying to do. I know I'm never going to be the best, but I want to be at the top of the pack. Acting, learning, test-taking, math, teaching...
Fast forward.
Last year, I was one of the "best." I was brand new at my job, I was a rookie, yet I put my heart and soul into learning how to be better at teaching, better at being an advisor for Big Picture.
This year, everyone's all caught up. I'm no longer in the spotlight. It was only then that I realized I even wanted to be in the spotlight. I wanted approval for all the hard work that I've been doing in the form of compliments.
I'm not really sure why I'm telling you all this. It's been on my heart for awhile. A few weeks ago, in a conversation I was having I was asked what my idols were. "Surely," I thought to myself, "there's nothing that I worship more than God." At times my boyfriend ranks up there a bit too close to the top, or I know I sometimes would prefer to spend time with friends instead of with God, but all in all, I never considered myself too much of an idol-worshiper. (Talk about conceited, right?)
And it wasn't until I was brought face to face with such a question that I even realized that I do have idols. The biggest one at the moment being my need for approval in the form of being considered the best at my job. BAM.
My faith has been weak the past few months, my job has been miserable. I've been wanting to know why without really wanting to find the answer. Thankfully, God is just and true and pointed out the things in my life that were holding me back from having a better relationship with my Savior and on a different level, with my students.
I've been so unconsciously working toward being praised at work. It is affecting my love for my students and my interactions with my staff members. For example, today during our staff meeting, I was proposing a new schedule for next quarter where I would teach just math (be the math specialist), and only my students would have a bit more of a traditional experience by rotating to the other teachers while I was with that other teacher's class doing math. The idea was shot down. I got angry.
The fact that we weren't going to use the proposed schedule didn't necessarily bother me, because I wasn't even sure if it was a good idea, but what bothered me was that I felt like my idea had been stupid, that my classroom management must suck if no one else wants to teach my students for a short 45 minute time period, and that the time I put into thinking about such a "genius" idea was only acknowledged briefly. Ha! How silly and self-focused am I?
I suppose this blog entry is more of a confession. Idols get in the way of all of our lives. I didn't realize how intangible they can be sometimes. I pray that God continues to discipline and convict me so that I can better experience His joy, which can then flow out to others, like my students.
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