Hope

Two and a half weeks of wonderful fellowship and enjoying a new chapter of life. I got to have all my friends and family from all of my worlds in one place together, I became a wife, and I got to spend two wonderful relaxing weeks with my new husband.

Then I came back to reality and I truly got slapped in the face. As expected, after not having their math teacher for a week and a half, then getting a week away from academia (which to a teenager always manages to seem so much longer than just a week), coming back was less than a treat. Resulting from this time away, students have grown in disrespect and apathy toward all things school (and especially math) related. Unfortunately, this makes my job something similar to torture.

Needless to say, coming back to work has not been easy. In fact, things kind of feel worse than ever before. This issue perplexes me. I’ve had quite a rough time the past 2 and a half, almost 3, years and yet I’m more depressed and downcast now than ever before. After some reflection I have come to the conclusion that this is because there is a lack of hope and purpose this year.

Due to poor administration, as the year has progressed it has felt like we’ve gotten further and further away from the goal we had when we began. Our school is supposed to have a unique model, but students are no longer allowed to go on internships, they’re not doing projects, they’re not doing anything related to what they’re interested in. The leadership and freedom of the staff has been limited to sticking to a dry curriculum (which we are far behind in) instead of pursuing interdisciplinary learning. The integrity of the teachers is continuously called into question by the administration, which makes me feel like I’m guilty for something I’ve done but I’m not sure what it is. There is a lack of trust and there is no real goal for the school other than the vague one of having data that shows “growth.”

All of these things make me not care about teaching well. If I’m hounded about the 6 sick days that I took since September and made to feel guilty about them, then I am much less likely to continue arriving an hour early and staying late every day to give students extra tutoring. If I am told my lessons aren’t rigorous without any advice for improvement when I feel that I’m already working my butt off, then that makes me want to throw in the towel and say, “whatever.” When staff members are being lectured for things we haven’t done wrong while students aren’t held accountable at all (students coming in with alcohol and throwing things around a room aren’t suspended), why should I keep trying? The terrible culture that is developing as a result is causing the staff to put forth zero extra effort, which is making the students bored, which results in poor student behavior, which results in an even more frustrated staff. It’s a very bad cycle that we’re stuck in with no vision for the future of the school.

When I think back to years previous when things got bad, I feel like I always was able to remind myself what the staff was working towards together. Now, there’s nothing to look to. Everyone’s kind of given up and it’s made this place something akin to a prison for all involved. This attitude is what consumes me most days. It’s hard to come to work, hard to see the positives in my students (they’re still there, but harder to notice), hard to have patience, hard to want to plan exciting lessons, hard to care about student growth when students are so disrespectful and un-invested. It’s quite depressing.

It’s then just easy to forget why God put me here in the first place. I’m not seeing any fruit of my work. I can see myself making bad teacher-moves; Yelling at students, not showing them love or understanding, not spending time on lessons so they’re as boring as a wall, not investing them. I have begun to completely dislike who I am in this place. And it’s a big hole that feels so hard to get out of. I know all the strategies in my head, but it’s so hard to execute them. I’m just weary and tired and counting down the weeks until school is over, which is not a fun place to be. I also am confused with where God wants me next, but I feel sure that staying here might completely drain away my hope in the world (I know I’m being a bit dramatic but that is definitely what it feels like).

My wonderful husband continues to remind me that most of my thoughts aren’t true. There are some things that I cannot change, but even in the midst of it I am still doing my job and doing it well. I feel things very deeply, especially for my students. I want so badly for them to succeed for their own growth as young people. I attribute any success or positives to God working in my life, for I am sinful and broken and continue to make mistakes. I feel downcast and full of turmoil…. So in this season of a crappy job, A.J. has reminded me of this Psalm:

As a deer pants for flowing streams,
so pants my soul for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God,
for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food
day and night,
while they say to me all the day long,
“Where is your God?”
These things I remember,
as I pour out my soul:
how I would go with the throng
and lead them in procession to the house of God
with glad shouts and songs of praise,
a multitude keeping festival.

Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.

My soul is cast down within me;
therefore I remember you
from the land of Jordan and of Hermon,
from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep
at the roar of your waterfalls;
all your breakers and your waves
have gone over me.
By day the LORD commands his steadfast love,
and at night his song is with me,
a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God, my rock:
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning
because of the oppression of the enemy?”
As with a deadly wound in my bones,
my adversaries taunt me,
while they say to me all the day long,
“Where is your God?”

Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.
(Psalm 42 ESV)

Swimming

I get married 3 weeks from yesterday. Everytime I think about it I get this weird feeling of panicked excitement. Time has flown so fast. I can remember that a year ago A.J. and I were still looking for venues and trying to find a cool place to get married. Now we're having to make decisions on little details that I never would have even thought twice about at the time.

More and more things seem to continue to pile onto my long checklist that seems neverending. Of course, unexpected life things always get thrown at you, too, like on Thursday when I managed to drop a whiteboard on my foot and had to take Friday off from work because I couldn't walk, or how yesterday after a good productive day of planning and purchasing things for our new home A.J. gets 2 flat tires as he drops me off at my apartment in the evening. And it's so tempting in moments like today (on a Sunday morning before church) to wake up early and try and get more things done. Heck, this weekend was the women's retreat at Jacob's Well but I just couldn't find the time in my schedule to do that plus lesson plan, plus plan for the week of school that I'll be taking off, plus start moving into our new apartment, plus get all the details in place for the wedding. But then I also remember how quickly I can get worn out if I don't take time to rest in God's peace. So this morning I wanted to stop and reflect for a moment and update this blog probably for the last time as Miss Nichole Smith.

While my level of energy has not increased much from the last few times I've managed to write on here, I do feel a better sense of peace and joy. It has been a struggle for these past two months. I'm pretty sure I cry every night from stress and just being plain overwhelmed. My job is not sustainable this year and on top of everything else I always feel like I'm precariously perched on a ledge and that the slightest breeze will push me over so that I fall into the sea of breakdowns where I would surely drown. Yet, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." I have managed to get through things day by day and am trying to let the only One who can give true rest infiltrate my heart.

Three years ago in my final semester of college, I never thought I would get to this place in my faith. I can remember having such trust in God that He would get me through whatever adventure was next. The peace I felt from being filled by the Holy Spirit was so amazing and uplifting. I couldn't get over how in love with Christ I was. Then real-life seemed to happen. I got thrown into TFA teacher boot camp, moved to the strange land of New Jersey where I knew absolutely no one, and began three of the most stressful years in the classroom that I hope to ever have to endure.

And even now, it's so easy to just focus on that negative stuff. To think about the stress and the discouragement. But that's not all that's happened in three years. Yes, I've let life get in the way of my trust in God and most days I seem to lose focus on Him as my eyes shift to the worries and cares of this life. But even still, He has done so much more than I could have ever asked or thought of. In these three years I've found Jacob's Well and the wonderful church community who's so determined to live out God's love with each other and in the places we live. God brought A.J. and I together in a way that only He can, and while I'm nervous to become a wife, I can't imagine being with any one else. A.J. seems so perfectly made for me that I can't believe I ever doubt whether or not I can handle this next stage of life. Even through the long-distance relationship we got to know each other in incredible ways and I also got to grow close with many other friends here that I might not have done if I was with A.J. all the time. And while work has been tough, I have indeed learned so very much while teaching in Newark. There has not been as much "success" as I would have expected, but there has been many great moments with students and with my own growth. I have to remember that God does everything for a reason and that this time might just be to prepare me for what's next.

So all of that to say, when I reflect and think on all these things, I realize how much more thankful I need to be and how, even in my moments of darkness when I felt so alone, God was there watching me and guiding my footsteps.

This past week as I continued the weary cycle of driving to work, dealing with students with attitudes, driving home from work, working when I'm home, sleeping, waking and doing it all over again, I tried to encourage myself to take it one moment at a time. And oddly enough I Dory's song from Finding Nemo won't get out of my head, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming," which made me laugh. Yet is was also a good reminder that even though the currents of life will come, He gives me the strength to keep moving through them.

Still Weary

It's a new year and I am still just as exhausted. I have turned my gaze from my hope and joy in Christ to all the stress of a timultuous school system, plans for the wedding, and general overwhelming-ness from my checklists and things I want to get done.

Despite the frustrations, as always, there are bright spots of joy:

• A.J. has returned to New Jersey after completing his student teaching in Indiana and has been absolutely phenomenal and supportive. It's good to have him back.



• I've started thinking about job opportunities for next year since so much is up in the air at the moment here, so there's always the excitement of new possibilities.



• While I mostly have let dread invade my feelings about school, there are always some of students who do or say sweet things; One 10th grade student stayed after for a tutoring session to help his friend and was using funny comments like "Ok, here's how you do it, now you try and show me what work you did," and, "What are you having trouble with? No, don't point, communicate, use your words."



• A.J. and I signed a lease for our first apartment that includes washer/dryer, dishwasher, and carpet! We'll be able to start the slow move of our things at the end of February.



• The wedding is drawing closer and while there is always more to do we have gotten a lot completed so far and have had great help and encouragement from friends.

It's been hard to find the energy to reflect on things when I've been so down, but I trust that God is still working and doing things in my life. Hopefully I'll get around to writing more often.