Thorns and Fruit

My students like to leave school without permission. It's like they're trying to run away from school. Today I had 5 students. Now only 2 are left. (Ok so 2 of them actually had permission, but it's still frustrating when even 1 of them keeps leaving, although he actually just walked back through the door, who knows where he's been for the past 2 hours).

I feel their pain. I wish I could run away. This place is hard. It pushes us into something deeper. This year has caused a lot of struggle, failure, and the gap in education that still isn't filled to stare us in the face. People don't generally like to take the "road less traveled." The path where their friends and family have gone before is much more attractive. The path that causes the least resistance is the one they choose. The path of not really caring about failure, which leads to just that, is easy because you don't have to try. And as I stand here on a meager dirt path with briars and thorns pushing in on every side pretty much alone watching my students break off the path I'm trying to lead them to for the highway of fallen dreams, my heart continues to break. My mind is screaming out the question, "Why the heck am I still trying? What on earth am I doing here?" The majority of my students won't even be back next year. They hate Big Picture. They hate our school. They hate being pushed. So what's the point?

Morale is low. It feels like everyone is abandoning ship.

Now I'm just being dramatic, but I had some nice imagery in there, didn't I?

Even as I wallow in my self-pity and type out this post, God is bringing a verse to my mind.

"I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener. He will cut off every branch of mine that doesn't produce fruit and he will prune the ones that do bear fruit so they will produce even more." - John 15.

Struggling through this year, being torn to shreds by the thorns poking and scratching me at every side... that's a bit like pruning. And I guess when it all comes down to it I know I'm learning, I know God wants me here, I trust that He is doing something greater. It just seriously gets so easy to forget through all the obstacles that are in the way. I'm focused so much on my frustration that I forget to look ahead to His promise. I might never see the fruit of all this work, but I can trust God's promise that He "chose me and appointed me to produce lasting fruit."

Pruning hurts. I don't know if that's what's going on here, but it definitely is emotionally painful and tiring. But despite the thorns in my path, I do know that there is fruit ahead, whether I get to see it or not.

I definitely started this post frustrated and ready to give up... but I'm so glad that God has reasoned through my typing and turned that sadness to thankfulness and joy that He's got it covered... no matter how bad it sucks at the moment.

Thanks for reading my stream of thoughts and feelings. It definitely helped me out.

Horses

"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink."

I need to remind myself of this reality every day so that I don't get completely overwhelmed with my job. Every day I go into school and prepare myself for whatever might come my way. Usually it's frustration. As the school year is coming to a close (we only have a month and a half left) I feel like I get more and more discouraged as my students do not live up to their potential. The days are filled with whining attitudes and disrespect as I only try to help push them in their education. Lies abound and makes trusting my students hard. All I want to do is trust them, and sometimes I do so naively and later find that I was completely lied to. This year has been difficult, and some days make that much more apparent than others.

The thing that has probably made it the hardest is that I take my students failures onto myself. It's hard not to do so. I want so many great things for them. I can see their potential, and it's so ridiculously disheartening when they don't see what I see in them and continue to make choices that are not going to lead to good places.

One student who really comes to mind is Stu. Stu is good at saying what needs to be said without actually meaning it. Stu has lied to me time and again. He gets mad and defensive when I don't trust what he says, and yet he has never given me any reason to trust him. And it's hard, because most people at the school have given up on him, but I just can't bring myself to do that. I can see how smart he is. He's good at math and great with words and speaking. He wants to be a forensic scientist, but he has lost hope that that will actually happen. It hurts my heart to see the choices he makes.

It's days like these when Stu's actions just tear down my spirit that it becomes so easy to take on this burden myself. I know I shouldn't, but I do. And so I need to remind myself that I can do everything in my power to lead these kids to success, but I can't force them to do anything, and I can't blame myself when they don't do what I want. I can just love them and pray for them and trust that God's plan is at work. After all, isn't that what God does for us?

Focal Point

I shouldn't be awake and typing right now... I'm not feeling well and I've been hoping in vain for the past week to get to bed early... but as I was spending some time with my Bible and a cup of tea I was hit with my selfishness. And I couldn't shake it so I thought I would type a bit to release the thoughts tumbling through my mind that will no doubt keep me awake anyway.

I'm selfish. The past week I have done nothing but think of myself and my own desires and my own wants. My prayers have been so limited to me me me me me... and God finally managed to break through my stream of literal "self" consciousness to get me refocused.

I'm trying to get my students to write persuasive essays. Their goal is to persuade me that they deserve to get through Gateway (a monumental binder/essay/presentation mix that happens at the end of 10th grade year) to move on to Senior Institute (11th and 12th grade). As I'm trying to teach them about writing and specifically about a thesis statement, I keep trying to get them to refocus on their main goal... showing that they have grown and possess the personal qualities needed for passing into 11th grade. Their presentation, their essay, their work, should all be toward that one goal.... that should be their focal point.

Which brings me to think about the thesis for my life. What is the main point? What am I focusing on? The simple answer that I try to tell myself is God. But is that really what I'm doing? Is that really how I'm living out my life? Sure I'm doing this hard job that no one else thinks they could do and teaching inner city that makes me sound like I'm some hero, which I'm totally and completely not. Just as my students have the tendency to go off on non-related subjects in their writing, I too am composing this narrative of my life that has a thesis statement of loving and bringing glory to God but is really just all these little side stories about my own worldly selfishness. I don't want to some day stand before my Maker and turn in my essay and Him go through and not find that focal point throughout it all.
And yet, the beauty of all of this and this entire post is that because I am His, because He chose me, because He loves me, He always finds a way to bring me back to Him if I'm willing to listen. Tonight, thank Him, He managed to get through. I pray that I can refocus. That by looking to Him in all that I do, serving others will become a joy that is Spirit-centered, not me-centered. I want Him to be glorified in the work He has blessed me with and through the relationships He has given me. Let me never lose focus on His sacrifice, grace, and love.

Birthday

When I first got to New Jersey back in August, I really struggled with the whole transition. I had absolutely wonderful friends from college... friends who I could never ever replace. They are the reason I am who I am today. I miss them all so incredibly much. This time last year I was getting ready to graduate from college and leave that great fellowship that God had blessed me with... never in a million years did I think I would ever find another piece of the body of Christ as encouraging and uplifting as they had been.

And yet, God in His incredible love has continued to give me so much more than I could have ever asked for. It's been less than a year since I've come into this new chapter of my life and in only a few short months, God gave me that fellowship I never expected to have again so soon. As my birthday weekend rolled around, I was continually touched by the thoughtfulness of these marvelous people who have known me for so few of my 23 years. Yet they went through so much trouble to make my birthday full of love. We went to Central Park, we partied at the Vazquez's, we had funfetti cupcakes, we spent time outside, we spent time with our Lord. It was a refreshing weekend.

So I'm writing this post as a request from Becks who has shared my past 4 birthdays with me. It was definitely weird not having my two closest friends in the whole world by my side, but don't worry... I was well taken care of ;)

I could spend time giving details, like how we spent tons of time trying to get to Central Park and get food for a picnic or how we stayed up late laughing at ridiculous youtube videos... but I think I just want to leave you with a thought. On Sunday in church we were reminded of the importance of the Sabbath and of taking a day to not just be lazy and do nothing, but to really rest in God. So as the second day in my birthday weekend passed by, myself and Rachel, Liz, and Jon headed to some random park just because it was beautiful outside. We found a field. We frollicked and ended up sprawling out in the grass where it was peaceful and quiet. Jon read Scripture, and as I reflected on how I had let myself get stressed and so focused on my own selfish desires the past few weeks I was reminded of the peace and joy that comes from God's rest. I have really missed being able to be out in nature and it was the recharging that I needed.

So as I lay there listening to Jon read and watching the clouds and the trees in the distance, I was reminded of how good God really is. How great is His love for us. He died for me. He has been guiding my life and blessing me in ways that bring Him glory. My heart was filled with Him and I just rested. "Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back and praise." I pray that my heart can be filled with praise and joy in my rest and in my work. It's so silly when I get so worried and stop trusting in Him. He has continued to be faithful and good and He really does make it easy to completely rely on Him when we let all the other worldly worries that fill our minds go.

It was a good birthday weekend.