Discontent

I have no idea what I think about education anymore. Working at a nontraditional school has definitely helped define my philosophy of teaching. I have learned the importance of getting to know each student thoroughly and letting them know a bit about you as well. I love the opportunity they have to become invested in education by being allowed to learn through their interest. I have seen that perhaps forcing kids to memorize, cram, and forget random facts without truly learning is not the best way to better our nation. I believe that learning cannot necessarily just be quantified in a percentage or letter grade, but that it is useful to have more meaningful assessments for students (like oral defenses of their work).

However, our school isn’t doing so hot at the moment and thus it has also made me doubt the things I thought I thought. Maybe there is a reason to having students practice test taking skills. Maybe, while they won’t always remember everything, they will at least have the confidence that they learned it at some point. Maybe it is easier for students to focus when they get to travel to different classrooms throughout the day and experience different teachers and styles instead of getting annoyed by the same voice all day long. And math… oohhhh math… students definitely need more than just random math lessons to learn the skills they need to master the basics.

I also have no idea what I think about classroom management. I have been faced with the most difficult students I will hopefully ever have to encounter; students who are completely disengaged with school and don’t even begin to know how to define respect. Students who I want to reward but who don’t exactly deserve it. I have terrible management in my classroom, yet I’ve tried so many different approaches. Is it better for that one student who is unaffected by discipline to be kicked out of school yet again, or is it better to love on them and try to see from their perspective, no matter how distorted it may be?

So not only am I confused about my classroom, but I’m confused about my life. What do I want to do next year? Do I stick with Big Picture and wait to see it through? Do I try teaching mathematics in a traditional setting? Do I work in some other capacity with Teach for America? Do I take a break from education and try something new? Youth ministry? Photography? Web design?

I was sitting in church this morning contemplating my worries and anxieties about my classroom and my future. Fall seems to be a contemplative season. But it’s amazing how God will continue to tug at my heart to just trust in Him. It’s ok if I feel confused, for He is not. Reid, our pastor, fittingly ended the sermon with this verse from Philippians 4:

“…for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I have learned the secret of living in every situation… for I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.”

How much does this entire blog post reveal my own discontent with where God has me in life? While Paul is talking more so about being able to live with riches or poverty and finding and rejoicing in the blessings that God gives and takes away, I was still very convicted. I am so discontent. I need to find my contentment in Him and let these wordly anxieties go.

Random

I wish I was one of those teachers who just had wonderful great ideas that I could share on my blog for others to steal. A friend of mine led me to a really great high school math blog: check it out if you want to be inspired by great math lessons. But alas... I am only a second year teacher at a very alternative high school and not really an expert at anything. Maybe some day if I pursue teaching after this adventure is over I will have more substance to share.

Just thought I'd share that blog... I enjoyed looking at... am slightly jealous that I don't have those wonderful ideas and even more slightly jealous that even if I did I wouldn't be able to teach them with the students I have.

My job is very cool. I will give you that. I get the opportunity on Tuesdays and Thursdays to visit my students at their internships sites throughout Newark (those of them who actually have them). I get to learn and experience all of their passions and interests. From photography to music production. From bicycle building to a rooftop garden. From seafood imports to mechanics. Now if only the Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays were equally as stimulating and exciting.

Sat in on one of my student's photography classes. I really do think I want to pursue that in some shape or form later in life.

This week was better. Not really sure why. I think I was in a better mood. God has been encouraging me through others and reminding me that he gave me the gift of teaching, even if I might not be doing it very well at the moment... but I'm not sure who could exactly do extremely well with my students. I feel like I need to call on all those great teachers whose lives get made into movies. Let them try and tackle these guys.

I think I decided on a potential direction for next year. I know it seems silly and I know I might change my mind, but I needed to have something to focus my life on. I am going crazy. I needed a hope, that if the year doesn't get better I have something else to look forward to. I think I do really want to give traditional teaching a go. Whether that be as a math specialist for Big Picture or a traditional high school math teacher in a different district, I think I might see how I do at that.

I will say that I will be sad to leave Big Picture if the day comes. While Newark is a mess, I do really believe in what they are trying to do.

So those are my random thoughts as I completely procrastinate from doing work... which is also another reason why I am not a perfect teacher writing blogs about my marvelous, flawless lesson plans.

Stay Positive

Today was another terrible horrible no good very bad day.

Students being disrespectful to me, others, themselves, cursing, terrible language, no work getting done, not a lot of learning happening... the list goes on. This is the first time that I almost lost it. I've cried before in school... but this time was almost the final straw.

On my drive home I didn't know whether to scream or cry. Instead of doing either, I decided to indulge and stop at Dunkin Donuts on the way home. Pumpkin donut and caramel iced latte.

As I drove, I reflected and thought.

(I've been wanting to type out some more posts dealing with the things God has been showing me, but I thought that this one might be more therapeutic at the moment.)

Not only has my advisory been ridiculous the past few weeks, but I have been more aware of the negative things going on. I zoom in on those things, which makes it just stressful and not any better for anyone. So as I was driving and reflecting on the terrible parent phone call that I had just made, I thought about how often I call parents for good things. And then I thought about how often I even feel that there are good things going on. There are very few moments when I've even smiled in school the past few weeks.

So I made a decision. Our advisory mantra is "Work hard. Stay positive. Move forward." I feel like I have been struggling, alongside my students, with staying positive. Lately my first reaction is almost always negative. This blog post is one of my solutions.

I am going to do my best to start blogging more about the good things that are happening. Even if they might be few and far between, I need to start sharing those more with people instead of the bad.

So here's the good that happened amongst the chaos of today:

• Several students were just as frustrated with the disrespect and the talking during advisory. Even some of the students who caused most of the problems would every once in awhile chime in with a serious, "C'mon guys, she's trying to talk."


• After I almost freaked out at them I had a student ask, "Nichole, are you ok?"


• While the majority of my students were participating in the weekly yoga session or doing independent work (or disrupting the weekly yoga session), two students sat and diligently got work completed in my classroom.


• We decided that this week instead of saying "Shut up!" to one another, we would use a more positive phrase like, "Please be quiet." Several students started using it by the end of the day (granted, they get positive points which turn into money that they can use as an advisory, but hey, it's a start)


• All of my students were present. (Even though one went home sick)

Not too much, but enough to keep me going.

I'm going to start practicing what I'm preaching to my kids and stay positive.

Affirmations

Things have been really rough at school. I dread lesson planning. I hate going in every morning. The students have just been so disrespectful to each other. It’s normal to hear them calling each other awful names and cursing. It’s tearing down the culture of the school and it’s beginning to tear at my heart. Seeing teenagers who have been beat and broken down their entire lives to the point where they are in survival mode is truly heartbreaking. No wonder they aren’t invested in school. Of course that doesn’t seem to matter much when they don’t know where they will be tomorrow.

I thought I had a genius idea. When I visited Camden’s Big Picture school, MetEast, last Friday for staff development, I was inspired. They are a 6-year-old Big Picture school in NJ, facing similar problems. While I think we have a bit more blocking our road to success, it was still good to see an example of what we are working toward. As I sat in on an advisory, the students were sharing their “affirmations” for the week. Their advisor required them to write down and encourage themselves and their peers with “I will” statements. I loved this. So I thought I would have a heart to heart discussion with my students on Friday about having a motto of affirmation for our advisory.

The conversation went something like this: I had them journal about how they wanted to be remembered. Many of them said these great things, like wanting to be a master chef, or own their own business, or for having done something heroic. I then tried to have them connect the attainment of their dreams with the need to start acting positive and respectful in class. Unfortunately, there is no such connection in their minds.

They tried to convince me that by saying things like “Shut up,” “F*** you,” “Nigga,” “B**ch,” and by bullying and making fun of and hitting each other, they were just showing that they are friends.

One student said something like, “Nichole, you just don’t understand. We aren’t hurting each other by saying these things. Why are you trying to make us do things your way? We aren’t going to change. We don’t mind, do we guys?”

My heart broke.

I tried again to discuss the need to affirm each other and affirm themselves instead of saying negative things. Almost every time a student speaks, another one will negate what they say or tear down their idea. Never once have I heard a student be applauded or encouraged for doing the right thing by another peer. I wanted them to see that in advisory we aren’t on the streets. We are in a professional, positive setting. No go.

I managed to have them come up with a motto. They decided on, “Work Hard. Stay Positive. Move Forward.” While good things did come of the conversation and several students were honest about being hurt and feeling bullied, I was not very encouraged. I actually felt the tears well up as I watched these young teenagers who God loves so much really truly not even have a concept of what love is. Yes, I was calling it respect, but when it comes down to it, we really need to love one another. They don’t see the need for that. It’s completely out of their vocabulary.

So I’m not too sure where to go from here. I’m struggling with lesson planning. What’s the use of trying to get these kids up to speed academically when they really aren’t that invested in graduating? Their thought is, “Yeah, it would be nice,” but for many of them it’s a basket that they haven’t exactly put all of their eggs into.

I guess the only thing to do from here is to keep working hard, trying to stay as positive as possible, and move forward into a new week, praying God will reach the hearts of my students. Unfortunately, I'm finding it harder and harder to have my own uplifting affirmations as the setting of an inner city school is wearing on my soul.

Perfection

I am so very far from being the perfect teacher. The teenagers who I have the pleasure to see every day are so far from being perfect students. And yet, for some reason I expect perfection in my classroom. This year I have set my expectations high, yet a bit too high for any human to meet. I have put all of my energy into my lesson planning and into trying to run a manageable classroom. But what have I gotten in return? Stress, anxiety, sickness, probably high blood pressure, and tears, as day in and day out for the past few weeks my hopes and expectations have been far from met. As the Teacher in Ecclesiastes discovered through his searching,

“I soon discovered that God has dealt a tragic existence to the human race. I observed everything going on under the sun, and really, it is all meaningless – like chasing the wind.

What is crooked cannot be made straight.

What is lacking cannot be counted.” – Ecclesiastes 1:14-15

Discouragement overcame my good intentions. It seemed that the more I tried, the more I was greeted with disappointment and seeming failure. As people even tried to encourage me with words of “I couldn’t do what you’re doing,” and “I would have quit by now if I were you,” I wondered why the heck I was still even trying. What’s the point?

But in my feelings of hopelessness, God continued to confront me these past few days in interesting ways. Through loneliness and tears, in thunderstorms and darkness, by encouragement from friends and unintentional words from staff members, in today’s sermon on Ecclesiastes, God has convicted me.

I have been running a race towards perfection. But for what? I kept pushing my students and myself beyond our limits, but for what? I’m not really even sure what the answer to that question is anymore. I was trying with my own strength. I knew I needed to give my burden to God, but I was too stubborn to actually realize what that even means.

This weekend God has slowly shown light on the darkness that I was letting envelope me. The more I try to reach perfection on my own terms, the more I am going to fail. The more I try to find satisfaction in my work alone, the more disappointed I will become. It all boils down to Christ on the cross, dying for me. Dying so that I don’t need to carry this burden. Dying so He sees me as perfect through no good work of my own.

The Teacher in Ecclesiastes comes to the conclusion in Chapter 2 that “there is nothing better than to enjoy food and drink and to find satisfaction in work…. These pleasures are from the hand of God. For who can eat or enjoy anything apart from him?” There is a deeper meaning to what I am doing in Newark. I might not see it right now, but I need to trust that He has me there for a purpose and that by putting my hope and expectation in Him, I will never be disappointed. Instead of looking to satisfaction from my work, I simply need to turn my gaze instead to the hope found in God’s promise of salvation.

Instead of trying to reach perfection by the world’s terms, I need to revel in the fact that, because of Christ’s sacrifice, I am being made perfect. I am perfect in Christ! What a relief, what a comfort, what an amazing act of grace.

“For God’s will was for us to be made holy by the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ, once for all time… our High Priest offered himself to God as a single sacrifice for sins, good for all time. Then he sat down in the place of honor at God’s right hand. There he waits until his enemies are humbled and made a footstool under his feet. For by that one offering he forever made perfect those who are being made holy.” – Hebrews 10:10, 12-14

I can stop running in circles trying to attain perfection on my own and I can start running toward Christ and trusting that one day He will indeed complete the work He started in me and bring me to complete perfection.

“I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have no achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead. I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.” – Philippians 4:12-14

Praise be to God for His mercy, love, and grace. I remember coming to a point similar to this when I served for a summer in Jamaica. God brought me to the place where I knew that it didn't matter if I saw the fruit of my work. Instead what mattered was trusting that He would make Everything Glorious. I'm praying as I go into this week that I can place my hope in the only place where it can be satisfied.

Questions?

Is there a point where you should just give up? When is enough just plain enough? Does that point ever come? Is a young teenager ever too far beyond help? What happens when the star student who did so well last year has stopped training for boxing, stopped hanging out with his mentor, stopped going to church and reverted back to his terrible street behavior? What happens when everything you say in advisory is completely shot down and your students argue with you about everything you’ve spent so long planning? What do you do when students absolutely refuse to do the work? What do you do when they stop coming to school? Do you give up? How many chances do you give them? I know that personally I’ve learned to forgive people when they sin against me, but what about students who are making choices toward failure? What do you do when the students just don’t care? How do you get through to them? How do you continue to stand and try to teach them when they aren’t listening? What do you do when parents have given up on their children? Do you just walk away from them? Do you give up? Do you try harder? How hard do you continue to give? Do you try hard enough to get your own story made into a touching “wonderful teacher who changes the odds and it all comes to a tear-jerking happy ending for each student involved?” Do those teachers actually affect EACH student like that? Is that even possible to turn around the lives of every single student? Do you try for that? Do you settle for one? Do you settle for none but just be satisfied that you tried? Do you stay sane by searching for a new job for next year? Do you put your all into the one you have? What do you do when you feel like you just can’t go on? What do you do?

What am I supposed to do?

First Days

I have successfully completed my first two days of school of my second year of teaching. Phew. I'm exhausted. I'm finding this year a challenge once again already, yet for different reasons than the last. Last year was just flat out horrible. Our lack of resources, having students who didn't actually want to be there and weren't invested in our school, the craziness of having 4 brand new teachers try to start a brand new school in a crazy district.

This year the stress has been different. We didn't find out our entire staff until the day before school started. We still are lacking resources but at least we have some semblence of academic "classrooms." We have more authority since we are now an in-district charter school versus being a mere program in the department of alternative education. So things are better. I know more, I have a year of "teaching" (if that's what you want to call it) under my belt. I have a much better understanding of Big Picture's innovative and radical philosophy on education.

Yet knowing more is both a blessing and a curse. I understand and was able to better prepare, but I am also not as naively hopeful that things will work out just right. Unfortunately, I'm a bit of a perfectionist, and as I'm being reminded again this year, being a teacher also means being able to have some flexibility to your plans. This is a work in progress.

I will admit that I started my year off being miserable. I made myself miserable. I've been stuck in a negative attitude for the past few weeks. It's been hard to get myself out of that. The first day went better than I could have ever imagined. Almost all of my students showed up (11 of the now 13 that I have, yes, my class doubled in size because we combined the 11th and 12th graders). They were all well-behaved. They gave me their full attention. They did as asked. They didn't curse or throw things or talk back. The day went relatively smoothly. And yet, as the students were leaving I almost couldn't hold back the tears of frustration and discouragement, both of which had no real cause.

Today was equally as amazing. Had a few absent students, but those who showed up were basically picture perfect students. They tried hard, they participated in discussions and activities. They even worked in groups, which was something that I never succeeded at last year. So I should feel ecstatically enthused that the year is starting off on such a good note. Yet I'm not. And I have no idea why.

Maybe it's just the season of life that I'm in. I know that God has not been revealing Himself to me in the same obvious ways that He has in the past. I struggle with prayer and with connecting and really feeling Him with me. We are starting a sermon series at Jacob's Well on Ecclesiastes, which I'm pumped about since it deals with the idea of seasons of life and living in a world that is temporary. Whatever the cause of my stagnancy, whatever the purpose, I know that I need to continue to trust in the Lord. I need to work on finding joy in any situation and focusing on seeing the way He is working through me, rather than on all the things that I cannot do on my own. Thankfully He uses me despite my weaknesses and faults and sin. That thought alone brings me to my knees.