Today was a bad day. And it was my fault. Which made it an even bad-er day.
It started off just fine. I got a lot of planning done over the weekend and have my whole week ready to go. I was slatted to administer the HSPA re-take on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday so I had everything set and was ready to give directions to my students.
Period 2: Forgot half the things I needed to tell my students. Spent the first 20 minutes of class talking at them about logistics. Lame way to start a Monday. Then struggled with them through the material that they understood on Friday but I managed to make more confusing today.
Period 3: Was thrown off by the previous class not going according to plan. Rushed to get Do Now up on the board which some how the kids still don't understand that they're supposed to do it... now. Then realized that they didn't get the homework from the previous day and I wanted to review it. So the review took much longer than planned and I barely got through the intended lesson. No time to practice, so the kids have most likely already forgotten it.
Lunch Duty: Went in. Was told that I need to meet with the principal to go over details of the HSPA and so I needed to take my lunch now and meet in half an hour. I would miss my Period 6 class but my coordinator would cover it for me, I just need to write up the plans for her.
End of Lunch: Check my e-mail before heading downstairs to find that there was a new HSPA proctor and examiner list sent out and my name wasn't on it.
Meeting: Go downstairs. Get affirmation from the principal that they joined two of the testing rooms so they didn't need all the teachers. Since I'm so busy they decided to have me not do it and let me get back to class. Felt slightly weird about that because I'm no busier than the other math teacher who is still giving the test. Felt like I was being dismissed cause I complained too much or something, but I don't think I did. So that threw me off.
Period 6: Officially flustered as I'm still trying to get better at being flexible. Class goes ok. Several of the students were having bad days and were not participating.
Period 7: Special education coordinator comes to observe some of the classified students in my class, which is a disaster for even the students who are on-level academically since there are 29 kids packed into my room, the majority of them disrespectful and talkative most of the time and it's impossible to stay focused. I also had a gigantic stack of papers to pass back. The kids all decided to skip out on the first 10 minutes of class...awesome. We got started late, by the time I passed back their things I was ridiculously off schedule and flustered since there was someone else in my room watching. Period ended with too quick of a lesson, not enough practice, and me saying "oh well, it's your fault you still need to do the homework" and to top it all off I lost patience and yelled. Great.
Period 8: My face was red and flustered from Period 7. Didn't get anything prepped so the kids came in and I was just done mentally. Tried to act not too affected by my day. The kids were great and understanding. But due to my lack of caring and lack of management by the end of the class period there was a lot of unruly chatter and confusion as the kids were talking over me and I couldn't get anything done.
End of day: Student comes in for extra help (finally someone is using my offer to stay after school.. just happened to not be the day I felt like doing it). Ended up with him probably more confused than when he came in.
Post-end of the day: Find out a student has a problem with me. Don't know why, don't know why... cherry on top of the cake.
Finally leave school: Stop at the gym cause if I don't I'll be even more miserable since I was planning on going for the first time in 2 months. Ended up only staying for 20 minutes. Lame. Went grocery shopping. Not a good idea to do when you're upset and hungry and tired.
El fin.
Lessons learned:
1. I still have a lot to learn as a teacher.
1b. I'm really not that good at instruction. If another student raises their hand and says, "I don't understand," I might cry.
1c. I have no idea what to do when one student doesn't get it but I'll lose the rest of the class if I stop to help that one and I have no times in between classes to have them stay and no one comes to my room after school for assistance.
2. My bad mood definitely affects my students, which I see more now that I have 5 classes a day instead of being with the same students. Before it was easy to just blame the bad days on them. Now it is very clearly mostly because of me.
3. I need to find a better way to pass back homework. My procedures suck in my classroom and they are causing me to flounder.
4. I need to be better prepared with modifications and extra work so students of all levels can function and learn.
5. I still talk too much. I need to let the kids practice more. At least the first few weeks were jam-packed with hands on fun things. I guess I can take a hit this week.
Here's to tomorrow.
10.03.2011
10.02.2011
Pancho
2 weeks ago I got sick. The Friday that I returned to school I was not feeling the greatest, very weak and honestly not in the mood to deal with teenagers all day long. However, 3rd period came around and a class of 9th graders entered my room. They were a bit rowdy (it was Friday after all) and so I braced myself for a tiring lots-of-energy-required-to-keep-students-focused class.
Then the unexpected happened. Some of the girls chose to sit way in the back. When I asked them to move forward their response was they couldn't because their [imaginary] friend Pancho was sitting in their normal seat up front. I took a deep breath, ready to chastise them and tell them again to move forward, but then I rethought myself. Why not just go with it? So I did. And all class I acknowledged Pancho as a student. He even gave a 10 second presentation since he was "absent" when the rest of the class presented. And you know what? The class went from stressful to fun. The kids got a kick out of it and it made me smile to play make-believe with them while not hindering the lesson for the day.
Since then I've been reflecting on Pancho. I think he has taught me a valuable lesson that has been in the back of my mind, but my busy responsibilities have kept it from me: That it's ok to have fun with my students, that it's ok to enjoy life. Since I've started teaching I've been trying to figure out who I am as a teacher. So far I've been trying to assert my authority (and all that jazz) that I've forgotten my "camp counselor" side where I connect with teenagers through silliness and at times, deep thought.
I feel like this idea of having fun also is a bigger reminder for my life outside of my job as well. To this point, this year has been full of work and stress and more work and more stress. I haven't been doing a whole lot to enjoy myself or spend time in fellowship with others. A whole month has gone by and I don't think I've talked to anyone outside of A.J. and my roomates for more than 20 minutes. I'm just trying to survive day-to-day. I tried to shake it up and decided to take a tap class, but last week when I went I couldn't help but feel how tense my body was from all my anxiety and my workload.
Then if I zoom out even more, I am convicted of the fact that I have been treating my relationship with God as another thing on my to-do list. Another burden that I have to carry. I've been stressing about getting back to the constant fellowship I felt with Him when I was in college. But I've spent so much time analyzing what I'm doing wrong that I've forgotten that it's as simple as just loving Him and worshipping Him with all my heart, after that the rest will follow.
I want so much for my time in Newark to mean something, to be worth it. But I think I might be trying too hard. I stress about not connecting with my students or not being able to love them well cause I want to also teach them well. Pancho was a reminder that I can teach and love and have fun and connect just by being myself and enjoying where God has me, by enjoying Him and realizing His love for me.
This short life has so much more to offer than a paycheck and pat on the back for lessons well-planned. There's love and joy at every corner where He's waiting for us to join in.
Then the unexpected happened. Some of the girls chose to sit way in the back. When I asked them to move forward their response was they couldn't because their [imaginary] friend Pancho was sitting in their normal seat up front. I took a deep breath, ready to chastise them and tell them again to move forward, but then I rethought myself. Why not just go with it? So I did. And all class I acknowledged Pancho as a student. He even gave a 10 second presentation since he was "absent" when the rest of the class presented. And you know what? The class went from stressful to fun. The kids got a kick out of it and it made me smile to play make-believe with them while not hindering the lesson for the day.
Since then I've been reflecting on Pancho. I think he has taught me a valuable lesson that has been in the back of my mind, but my busy responsibilities have kept it from me: That it's ok to have fun with my students, that it's ok to enjoy life. Since I've started teaching I've been trying to figure out who I am as a teacher. So far I've been trying to assert my authority (and all that jazz) that I've forgotten my "camp counselor" side where I connect with teenagers through silliness and at times, deep thought.
I feel like this idea of having fun also is a bigger reminder for my life outside of my job as well. To this point, this year has been full of work and stress and more work and more stress. I haven't been doing a whole lot to enjoy myself or spend time in fellowship with others. A whole month has gone by and I don't think I've talked to anyone outside of A.J. and my roomates for more than 20 minutes. I'm just trying to survive day-to-day. I tried to shake it up and decided to take a tap class, but last week when I went I couldn't help but feel how tense my body was from all my anxiety and my workload.
Then if I zoom out even more, I am convicted of the fact that I have been treating my relationship with God as another thing on my to-do list. Another burden that I have to carry. I've been stressing about getting back to the constant fellowship I felt with Him when I was in college. But I've spent so much time analyzing what I'm doing wrong that I've forgotten that it's as simple as just loving Him and worshipping Him with all my heart, after that the rest will follow.
I want so much for my time in Newark to mean something, to be worth it. But I think I might be trying too hard. I stress about not connecting with my students or not being able to love them well cause I want to also teach them well. Pancho was a reminder that I can teach and love and have fun and connect just by being myself and enjoying where God has me, by enjoying Him and realizing His love for me.
This short life has so much more to offer than a paycheck and pat on the back for lessons well-planned. There's love and joy at every corner where He's waiting for us to join in.
9.21.2011
Year 3
I really need to get back into the habit of writing blog entries more often. I love the idea, but it's definitely hard to keep up with. Summer was a time of relaxing and taking a break from life and now that school has started (day after Labor Day) life has continued on at it's neckbreaking speed as I try to get settled back into routine. It is week 3 and I am already sick and stuck at home... so I guess this is God's way of making sure I slow down, and also gives me some time to actually write a post.
Year 3 has begun. It's crazy looking back on my time as a teacher. I never thought the story would unfold as it has. For the first time, the year started well. Yes, that's right, I have not actually had a fully bad day yet. I called my parents after the second day of school and said it was going well and my mom mentioned that 2 good days in a row is a record for me. Yes indeed, year 3 has been record breaking in many ways:
-Big Picture Ironbound Academy is still located at East Side High School, but we have been upgraded to our own hallway on the second floor.
-I have my own classroom, with a door, and desks, and white boards.
-I am teaching just math. I am no longer an advisor (which has it's pros and cons) but I am finally teaching what I love all day long.
-I see all the students at the school for math (both stressful and exciting to know everyone's name 2 weeks in)
-The 9th graders are eager and excited to learn. Homework has been turned in. More than 2 students have perfect attendance. It's pretty crazy stuff.
-Almost ALL the students are wearing their uniforms.
-I actually feel like I know what I'm doing some of the time. I guess 2 years under my belt really does make things like classroom management and investment easier.
When I think back to what our school was 2 years ago... I am astounded at the transformation. We still have a long way to go, but it is exciting to see things finally starting to look up. I can also see a difference in myself as a teacher. I have more confidence and am so much more comfortable in front of the students, even when things don't go well. I handle things with more flexibility and I find that I'm getting better at having fun in the classroom.
I'm definitely not a master teacher by any means, but it is comforting to know that there is improvement by year 3. There's another TFA teacher placed at my school this year and it really is a good reminder of where I was 2 years ago. TFA gives you such a steep learning curve, but I made it through and hopefully have grown for the better because of it.
I hope to continue posting often. I also hope to have some pictures up here soon so you all can see my new digs at school!
Year 3 has begun. It's crazy looking back on my time as a teacher. I never thought the story would unfold as it has. For the first time, the year started well. Yes, that's right, I have not actually had a fully bad day yet. I called my parents after the second day of school and said it was going well and my mom mentioned that 2 good days in a row is a record for me. Yes indeed, year 3 has been record breaking in many ways:
-Big Picture Ironbound Academy is still located at East Side High School, but we have been upgraded to our own hallway on the second floor.
-I have my own classroom, with a door, and desks, and white boards.
-I am teaching just math. I am no longer an advisor (which has it's pros and cons) but I am finally teaching what I love all day long.
-I see all the students at the school for math (both stressful and exciting to know everyone's name 2 weeks in)
-The 9th graders are eager and excited to learn. Homework has been turned in. More than 2 students have perfect attendance. It's pretty crazy stuff.
-Almost ALL the students are wearing their uniforms.
-I actually feel like I know what I'm doing some of the time. I guess 2 years under my belt really does make things like classroom management and investment easier.
When I think back to what our school was 2 years ago... I am astounded at the transformation. We still have a long way to go, but it is exciting to see things finally starting to look up. I can also see a difference in myself as a teacher. I have more confidence and am so much more comfortable in front of the students, even when things don't go well. I handle things with more flexibility and I find that I'm getting better at having fun in the classroom.
I'm definitely not a master teacher by any means, but it is comforting to know that there is improvement by year 3. There's another TFA teacher placed at my school this year and it really is a good reminder of where I was 2 years ago. TFA gives you such a steep learning curve, but I made it through and hopefully have grown for the better because of it.
I hope to continue posting often. I also hope to have some pictures up here soon so you all can see my new digs at school!
8.09.2011
Million
It has been 2 years since I moved to NJ. That's crazy. So much has happened in these short 24 months. I don't feel like the same person as the girl who graduated, went through TFA training, and this day 2 years ago was saying goodbye to those she loved at her best friend's wedding and flying back to begin her new life.
Never in a million years would I have thought I would have found such a home here in Jersey... enough to decide to stay for round 3. Teaching has been hard. I can't believe I'm a TFA alumni... I don't feel old or experienced enough to deserve that distinction. Yet, here I am. I have an amazing fiance and a wonderful church family that I feel like I've known forever. I have been blessed with laughter and fun times (while not perhaps as silly as college yet meaningful and fullfilling none-the-less). I have learned a lot about myself and about life in the inner city. I've seen hopelessness and defeat, but I've also seen some triumphs, however small. I've been encouraged and loved and stretched and shaped. I've seen NYC on a regular basis, I know about the streets of Newark, I've fallen in love, and I've visited Indiana more than once. I'm not really sure when all of that happened, it seems like a moment ago that it never existed.
While I have grown in many ways, I still feel stuck in others. I still struggle with understanding why God has me here. Teaching was supposed to be the most rewarding thing that I would do, but I have not found that so, although, my own reward isn't the reason I'm here. I'm going back to teach math but not sure what will happen after. The amount of friends I have has grown, but so has the loneliness when no one is around. I've finished books, but my shelf is still full of ones I have yet to read.
I really never would have thought that I would be here if you asked me when I graduated 2 years ago. In many many ways it's better than I could have ever imagined, but it others it's been plain frustrating. Inner city was never something I thought I would be called to and I'm still not sure if it's where I will end up. I have loved my students but have struggled with knowing how to teach them well. And so I find that God still has me in a place where I need to trust Him.
When He lead me to NJ, it wasn't a direct answer, but He clearly opened the door and I have experienced many great things since I walked through it. So having that in my very recent memory, why on earth is it still so hard to trust that He's got the next chapter covered as well? I stress and contemplate and worry that I don't know what I want to do with my life or where He wants A.J. and I to go. Pure silliness. Some of Jesus' last words were, "Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God and trust also in me."
Thus, as I continue to attend weddings (with mine also on the way), I find that I am still no closer to understanding what God has in store or His mysterious ways. It's these times when I would never in a million years imagine where He has brought me or will take me that I also desire the time a million years from now when I will be in His glorious presence. Weddings will just keep on coming until the Bridesgroom returns to call us home. Until then, there's not much left to do but trust in the million ways that He is good.
Never in a million years would I have thought I would have found such a home here in Jersey... enough to decide to stay for round 3. Teaching has been hard. I can't believe I'm a TFA alumni... I don't feel old or experienced enough to deserve that distinction. Yet, here I am. I have an amazing fiance and a wonderful church family that I feel like I've known forever. I have been blessed with laughter and fun times (while not perhaps as silly as college yet meaningful and fullfilling none-the-less). I have learned a lot about myself and about life in the inner city. I've seen hopelessness and defeat, but I've also seen some triumphs, however small. I've been encouraged and loved and stretched and shaped. I've seen NYC on a regular basis, I know about the streets of Newark, I've fallen in love, and I've visited Indiana more than once. I'm not really sure when all of that happened, it seems like a moment ago that it never existed.
While I have grown in many ways, I still feel stuck in others. I still struggle with understanding why God has me here. Teaching was supposed to be the most rewarding thing that I would do, but I have not found that so, although, my own reward isn't the reason I'm here. I'm going back to teach math but not sure what will happen after. The amount of friends I have has grown, but so has the loneliness when no one is around. I've finished books, but my shelf is still full of ones I have yet to read.
I really never would have thought that I would be here if you asked me when I graduated 2 years ago. In many many ways it's better than I could have ever imagined, but it others it's been plain frustrating. Inner city was never something I thought I would be called to and I'm still not sure if it's where I will end up. I have loved my students but have struggled with knowing how to teach them well. And so I find that God still has me in a place where I need to trust Him.
When He lead me to NJ, it wasn't a direct answer, but He clearly opened the door and I have experienced many great things since I walked through it. So having that in my very recent memory, why on earth is it still so hard to trust that He's got the next chapter covered as well? I stress and contemplate and worry that I don't know what I want to do with my life or where He wants A.J. and I to go. Pure silliness. Some of Jesus' last words were, "Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God and trust also in me."
Thus, as I continue to attend weddings (with mine also on the way), I find that I am still no closer to understanding what God has in store or His mysterious ways. It's these times when I would never in a million years imagine where He has brought me or will take me that I also desire the time a million years from now when I will be in His glorious presence. Weddings will just keep on coming until the Bridesgroom returns to call us home. Until then, there's not much left to do but trust in the million ways that He is good.
7.31.2011
July
It has been quite awhile since I've written. I have taken a month off from life and it has been wonderful. The end of the school year was somewhat boring and tiring as students slowly stopped showing up and there was less and less to do. It also seemd to never end as we went right up to the end of June for who knows why. Summer started and I immediately took off for home to spend time with my family and then to continue on to Indiana to spend time with the fiance. The result was complete summer success. Below you can read a list of my accomplishments so far throughout the month of July.
- Went to the shore and spent a wonderful first day of summer with roomate
- Got oil changed
- Enjoyed July 4th with many friends
- Drove many miles
- Slept in often
- Read 7 books
- Planned honeymoon
- Solidified wedding location
- Designed Save-the-Dates
- Gathered addresses from friends for Save-the-Dates
- Printed, addressed (and am about to send out) Save-the-Dates
- Got started on buying vintage books for wedding decorations
- Went ring shopping (no decisions yet)
- Spent mornings at a public pool while fiance taught swim lessons
- Beat fiance at chess (once)
- Learned several German words and mastered 2 German phrases
- Spent 3 weeks with fiance and his family
- Battled his parent's cat on a daily basis and came out alive
- Watched several movies
- Ate a lot of food
- Picked blackberries
- Went kayaking on a lake
- Played with fiance's phone (getting quite good at several apps)
- Took a decent amount of pictures
- Attended 3 wedding showers (2 for us)
- Met fiance's extended family
- Received much appreciated appliances, cooking utensils, and household fun
- Bought an outfit for engagement pictures (to be taken in 2 days in NYC)
- Caught up with some friends from home
- Showed fiance Allegheny College
- Baked my very first pie (blueberry) with my grandmother's guidance
- Planned out rules and procedures for my classroom this year because I was bored and had nothing else to do :)
- Spent all of today relaxing outside on my parents deck reading on a raft in the pool in the sun
- Wrote this blog post
I'd call this month a success.
5.28.2011
KaPOW!
I write that whole blog yesterday to only be slammed in the face with God's truth this morning. (Funny how God does that.) I am in the midst of a study with some friends using the guide "Experiencing God," by Blackaby, Blackaby, and King. This week's focus is on looking to God and how He is already at work around you. I just wanted to share some of the text from the study today since it totally kicked my selfish butt:
"Part of the Book of Genesis is the record of God's accomplishing His purposes through Abraham. It is not the record of Abraham's walk with God. Can you see the difference in focus? The focus of the Bible is God. The essence of sin is a shift from God-centeredness to self-centeredness. The essence of salvation is denying self instead of affirming self. We must deny ourselves and return to God-centeredness in our lives. Then God has us in a place where He will accomplish His eternal purposes through us (p32)."
"Self-centeredness is a subtle trap because it makes sense from a human perspective... To live a God-centered life, you must focus your life on God's purposes, not on your own plans. You must seek to view situations from God's perspective rather than from your own distorted human outlook. When God starts to do something in the world, He takes the initiative to reveal His will to people. For some divine reason He has chosen to involve His people in accomplishing His purposes (p33)."
"God never asks people to dream up something to do for Him. We do not sit down and dream what we want to do for God and then call God in to help us accomplish it. The pattern in Scripture is that we submit ourselves to God. Then we wait until God shows us what He is about to do, or we watch to see what God is already doing around us and join Him (p34)."
KaPow. Reality check.
It's crazy how I can live so long in my own little world knowing that these things are true but never really letting them soak in. For some reason this morning, God is using these simple words, words that I have heard in some form or another before, to really reveal the sin of my focus on my "walk with God." Because that's totally how I've been living my life. I've been frustrated because I don't feel God or see Him at work in my life. But who the heck am I? I am a tool to be used for God's work going on all around me that I've just been too ignorant to see.
"Part of the Book of Genesis is the record of God's accomplishing His purposes through Abraham. It is not the record of Abraham's walk with God. Can you see the difference in focus? The focus of the Bible is God. The essence of sin is a shift from God-centeredness to self-centeredness. The essence of salvation is denying self instead of affirming self. We must deny ourselves and return to God-centeredness in our lives. Then God has us in a place where He will accomplish His eternal purposes through us (p32)."
"Self-centeredness is a subtle trap because it makes sense from a human perspective... To live a God-centered life, you must focus your life on God's purposes, not on your own plans. You must seek to view situations from God's perspective rather than from your own distorted human outlook. When God starts to do something in the world, He takes the initiative to reveal His will to people. For some divine reason He has chosen to involve His people in accomplishing His purposes (p33)."
"God never asks people to dream up something to do for Him. We do not sit down and dream what we want to do for God and then call God in to help us accomplish it. The pattern in Scripture is that we submit ourselves to God. Then we wait until God shows us what He is about to do, or we watch to see what God is already doing around us and join Him (p34)."
KaPow. Reality check.
It's crazy how I can live so long in my own little world knowing that these things are true but never really letting them soak in. For some reason this morning, God is using these simple words, words that I have heard in some form or another before, to really reveal the sin of my focus on my "walk with God." Because that's totally how I've been living my life. I've been frustrated because I don't feel God or see Him at work in my life. But who the heck am I? I am a tool to be used for God's work going on all around me that I've just been too ignorant to see.
5.27.2011
Freakin' Out
I am quite literally "freaking out" in every sense of the word. It's kind of ridiculous. I'm not sure how I got to this point (which is part of the reason why I haven't been blogging... too stressed to think about it).
There's a lot of little things that are causing to me to feel like my head is going to explode and make me feel like I need to just scream. This past month has been crazy with work. It's getting to the end of the year and I'm about at the end of my patience rope. The students are getting crazier as I am losing the desire to care about pushing them when they show no desire to want to learn. Everything they say that's disrespectful or involves cursing sets me off. They curse, they don't do their homework, they're rude... little things that I had patience and understanding for now seem to just light my fuse. Some of them are about to graduate and head into the real world, I feel like they should know better by now. I forget that they are still teenagers.
I was also helping rewrite the federal grant for our failing school this month, which took up much more time than I bargained for, adding a lot of unnecessary pressure to my blood circulation.
While wedding planning has so far to go (still 10 months), the stress from work was bleeding into my personal life. I stressed about finding a dress and a venue and the guest list and the bridesmaids and the honeymoon location. Anything you can think of I've freaked out about.
Then just with my personal life. With roomates getting married and moving and no one going grocery shopping or washing the dishes and so on and so forth. My stress is stopping me from sleeping and so then I stress about not getting enough sleep. It's quite the vicious cycle.
Ironically enough, the sermon series we are in at Jacob's Well at the moment is titled just that, "Freaking Out." Talk about relevant. The main thread that is pulsing through the series is that we need to stand firm on the realities of God: His sovereignty, love, presence, and promises. In one of the sermons, I was convicted by the things that are usually the root cause of my stress. That either 1. I'm striving for my own success, 2. I'm seeking the approval of others, or 3. I'm focused on this being my one shot to get it right and forgetting the fact that we have eternity. I feel like all 3 of these things are rolled into many of the stressful parts of my life right now, especially my job. I'm striving for my personal success as a teacher, I'm seeking the praise of others for me being the best teacher, and I get upset when I mess up with the little things every day, because I've messed up my "only shot."
While these things have been so convicting, it still seems uncannily hard for me to stop trying to control things. This is the first time since my early college years when I have been so completely stressed like this. As I try and remind myself of the truths of God and the need to trust Him, I still find it incredibly hard to do just that. I find myself asking the question, "What am I doing wrong? Why can't I get this stress to go away?"
It amazes me how I still seem fixed on trying to find the solution within myself. It's like I've forgotten what it feels like to truly trust in Him with every moment of my day. To be ok with just today and not worry about tomorrow. To see every moment that I get to speak with someone else as an opportunity for Him to work through me. To give my cares and worries to Him and trust that He loves me enough to make it work out just fine.
I'm really not sure what I'm so scared of. I'm not sure what my anxiety is expecting to happen. Is it failure? But by what standards? Is it the end of my teaching career? Is that even realistic? Is it that my marriage will fall apart within the first few months because the wedding day didn't go as planned or because we didn't read enough premarital books? Is it that my life won't be perfect?
All I know is it's about time that I let myself relax and allow the Spirit to fill me with the joy of His presence once again.
Jesus said, "Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God and trust also in me...I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift that the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid."
His peace and joy is free. I just have to tear away the wrapping paper that gets in the way.
There's a lot of little things that are causing to me to feel like my head is going to explode and make me feel like I need to just scream. This past month has been crazy with work. It's getting to the end of the year and I'm about at the end of my patience rope. The students are getting crazier as I am losing the desire to care about pushing them when they show no desire to want to learn. Everything they say that's disrespectful or involves cursing sets me off. They curse, they don't do their homework, they're rude... little things that I had patience and understanding for now seem to just light my fuse. Some of them are about to graduate and head into the real world, I feel like they should know better by now. I forget that they are still teenagers.
I was also helping rewrite the federal grant for our failing school this month, which took up much more time than I bargained for, adding a lot of unnecessary pressure to my blood circulation.
While wedding planning has so far to go (still 10 months), the stress from work was bleeding into my personal life. I stressed about finding a dress and a venue and the guest list and the bridesmaids and the honeymoon location. Anything you can think of I've freaked out about.
Then just with my personal life. With roomates getting married and moving and no one going grocery shopping or washing the dishes and so on and so forth. My stress is stopping me from sleeping and so then I stress about not getting enough sleep. It's quite the vicious cycle.
Ironically enough, the sermon series we are in at Jacob's Well at the moment is titled just that, "Freaking Out." Talk about relevant. The main thread that is pulsing through the series is that we need to stand firm on the realities of God: His sovereignty, love, presence, and promises. In one of the sermons, I was convicted by the things that are usually the root cause of my stress. That either 1. I'm striving for my own success, 2. I'm seeking the approval of others, or 3. I'm focused on this being my one shot to get it right and forgetting the fact that we have eternity. I feel like all 3 of these things are rolled into many of the stressful parts of my life right now, especially my job. I'm striving for my personal success as a teacher, I'm seeking the praise of others for me being the best teacher, and I get upset when I mess up with the little things every day, because I've messed up my "only shot."
While these things have been so convicting, it still seems uncannily hard for me to stop trying to control things. This is the first time since my early college years when I have been so completely stressed like this. As I try and remind myself of the truths of God and the need to trust Him, I still find it incredibly hard to do just that. I find myself asking the question, "What am I doing wrong? Why can't I get this stress to go away?"
It amazes me how I still seem fixed on trying to find the solution within myself. It's like I've forgotten what it feels like to truly trust in Him with every moment of my day. To be ok with just today and not worry about tomorrow. To see every moment that I get to speak with someone else as an opportunity for Him to work through me. To give my cares and worries to Him and trust that He loves me enough to make it work out just fine.
I'm really not sure what I'm so scared of. I'm not sure what my anxiety is expecting to happen. Is it failure? But by what standards? Is it the end of my teaching career? Is that even realistic? Is it that my marriage will fall apart within the first few months because the wedding day didn't go as planned or because we didn't read enough premarital books? Is it that my life won't be perfect?
All I know is it's about time that I let myself relax and allow the Spirit to fill me with the joy of His presence once again.
Jesus said, "Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God and trust also in me...I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift that the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid."
His peace and joy is free. I just have to tear away the wrapping paper that gets in the way.
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