First Class

I'm sitting here in school with one hour and ten minutes left until Christmas break. Time is passing painfully slow. Not many students are here today for 2 reasons: it's the day before Christmas Eve and I don't even want to be here, and it's a Thursday, so over half the students are at their internships. Because I didn't sleep well last night and I really would rather be somewhere else, and only 2 of the students from my advisory are here, I've become a bit anti-social and have holed myself up in my advisory with only a few students who are watching a movie.

While today is rough and I'm tired, I must admit that life here at school is getting better. The students are slightly more invested and willing to learn. I have a better attitude and am less stressed. And most importantly, I am beginning to enjoy my students more. Several days in a row over the past few weeks I actually felt excited to come in and see my kids every day. As I am learning how to communicate with them in an effective, positive way, they are showing me more respect.

I feel like I am learning a lot about working with children. By the time God is done with me here I think I'll be ready to conquer all teenager-dome. But until that time comes, I need to continue to learn how to enjoy my job and my students. Even though they drive me nuts sometimes, they really are precious, individual, beautiful creations. I'm learning to see them through that lens, instead of just noticing all of their imperfections.

I have found that it does no good to yell at them. It does no good to show frustation in my tone of voice. Fighting back with them or allowing them to argue with me about an assignment or instruction does no good. Expecting them to do everything exactly as I ask is unrealistic.

What does work however, is realizing they all work in individual ways. It works much better to smile at them as they come in each morning, whether they are on time or late. It's more productive to always know exactly what action I want them to be doing, so that if conversation veers off in a bad direction I have a track to put them back onto. It's so much more enjoyable to let them share their thoughts briefly if something unrelated is on their minds, laugh with them at their stories, and acknowledge that they have a life outside of this place.

The break could not be coming sooner, and I don't think I'll miss them too much with only a week without them, but I do pray that when we get back with over half the school year to go that my advisory, First Class, can continue to grow in a positive way (and maybe, just maybe, they'll all wear their uniforms again:)

Idols

"Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life." - Psalm 139

I have many flaws.

In college, I discovered that I had a need for approval. I can literally stress out about making a simple decision, like what clothes I should wear, if someone does not give me a thumbs up of approval. I start to get paranoid if a friend doesn't give their opinion when I ask, because I feel that I've done something wrong.

During college, God also convicted me of my need for approval in my talents and gifts. I was very involved with theatre when I was in high school and started to be in college, until I realized I was doing it just to be in the spotlight and hear people telling me what a great job I did. Acting on stage wasn't offensive to Him, but my terribly self-focused attitude about it was.

Now, I'm not a very competitive person when it comes to sports, but I've started to realize that I am when it comes to being one of the best at what I'm trying to do. I know I'm never going to be the best, but I want to be at the top of the pack. Acting, learning, test-taking, math, teaching...

Fast forward.

Last year, I was one of the "best." I was brand new at my job, I was a rookie, yet I put my heart and soul into learning how to be better at teaching, better at being an advisor for Big Picture.

This year, everyone's all caught up. I'm no longer in the spotlight. It was only then that I realized I even wanted to be in the spotlight. I wanted approval for all the hard work that I've been doing in the form of compliments.

I'm not really sure why I'm telling you all this. It's been on my heart for awhile. A few weeks ago, in a conversation I was having I was asked what my idols were. "Surely," I thought to myself, "there's nothing that I worship more than God." At times my boyfriend ranks up there a bit too close to the top, or I know I sometimes would prefer to spend time with friends instead of with God, but all in all, I never considered myself too much of an idol-worshiper. (Talk about conceited, right?)

And it wasn't until I was brought face to face with such a question that I even realized that I do have idols. The biggest one at the moment being my need for approval in the form of being considered the best at my job. BAM.

My faith has been weak the past few months, my job has been miserable. I've been wanting to know why without really wanting to find the answer. Thankfully, God is just and true and pointed out the things in my life that were holding me back from having a better relationship with my Savior and on a different level, with my students.

I've been so unconsciously working toward being praised at work. It is affecting my love for my students and my interactions with my staff members. For example, today during our staff meeting, I was proposing a new schedule for next quarter where I would teach just math (be the math specialist), and only my students would have a bit more of a traditional experience by rotating to the other teachers while I was with that other teacher's class doing math. The idea was shot down. I got angry.

The fact that we weren't going to use the proposed schedule didn't necessarily bother me, because I wasn't even sure if it was a good idea, but what bothered me was that I felt like my idea had been stupid, that my classroom management must suck if no one else wants to teach my students for a short 45 minute time period, and that the time I put into thinking about such a "genius" idea was only acknowledged briefly. Ha! How silly and self-focused am I?

I suppose this blog entry is more of a confession. Idols get in the way of all of our lives. I didn't realize how intangible they can be sometimes. I pray that God continues to discipline and convict me so that I can better experience His joy, which can then flow out to others, like my students.

Debbie Downer

I have been incredibly frustrated for the majority of this year (as any of you who talk to me regularly, read this often, or follow me on Twitter can attest to). Things aren’t going my way. I’ve gotten into the terrible habit of only seeing the imperfections in my students and in my teaching. When something positive happens, I get frustrated that it’s still not perfect instead of rejoicing in the small accomplishments.

God has been really convicting me of my terrible attitude. I feel like I should have that “wa wa waaaa” music following me around every time I speak (SNL anyone?). I’ve known that I’ve been too negative for awhile, but it wasn’t until I was observed by my TFA program director that it was really brought to my attention. During our debrief of the lesson, she commended me on the improvements my students have been making. Yes, they might be disrespectfully talking over me, but they no longer get up and just leave class (or the building). While they complain about the lessons, their complaints have turned more into frustrations that they don’t understand, which she pointed out is evidence of investment. Two thirds of my students are out on internships, whereas last year at this time, I think only 1 was out.

I’ve been realizing that it’s good to have high expectations, but I also am allowed to rejoice in the small steps that it takes to get there, especially for these students. My attitude was brought to my attention again in a meeting with my coordinator. I was frustrated that one of my students had read ahead to the end of the book we’re reading in advisory and has been telling everyone the ending. My coordinator looked at me like I was crazy… I was actually upset that a student took it upon themselves to READ AHEAD? (Wa wa waaaaaa…)

So I’ve been a bit of a downer. And my negativity has definitely brought down the culture of my classroom. Yet I am still amazed at how God works through my weaknesses. While I was noticing all the ways I see my students in a negative light, I was humbled further by a simple activity that they were doing. We did a mini-unit on discovering your passions and how to learn through your interests. One of the objectives was discovering your values. In doing that, I asked the students some questions to help guide their thinking. One of the questions was, “Who is the happiest person you know?”

The majority of them said that it was me.

Praise God that in my negativity and ridiculous expectations of perfection and bad attitude He still used me to show these kids His joy. It baffles my mind that His love has shown through even in the bad year that I’ve been having. Perhaps it’s not so bad after all. I’m just so thankful that He is in charge and uses me despite my brokenness.

Update

I kept having great ideas for some posts... but I have not had the time nor the energy to write something inspirational. I thought that, instead, I can just revert to the good old checklist. So here's some of the things that have been going on:

• Things are slowly getting a little bit better at school. I'm starting to relax more around my students and my biggest advice seems to be that I'm not having enough fun with them and not building a good relationship. I feel like this is slightly confusing advice. More to come on this probably in a later post.
• The students completed their end of the quarter assessment Exhibition presentations. They went well. Not the best because hardly any of my students actually took the given time the week before to prepare, but good for how the semester went none-the-less.
• As the new quarter starts it's always a better time for the students because they feel hope that they can succeed once again, so there's been some better attitudes in class.
• Went to visit AJ in Indiana last weekend. It was nice to get away and even better to see him.
• I'm ready for Thanksgiving already. Break can't come soon enough.
• I'm praying for direction for next year. If I should stay with Big Picture, if I do, if I should take on a new group of 9th graders, or be a math specialist (that's what I'm praying for, but the job might not be in the budget). If I should try teaching math at a traditional school. If I should give teaching a break and pursue high school or college ministry or some other career.... lots to be thinking about... prayers are appreciated.
• In advisory, we've started a unit on discovering and defining dreams. Sounds wonderful in theory but I'm struggling with presenting it in a way that the kids are invested... and investment is the whole purpose for doing so.

Today's been a bad day so I'm feeling a bit down about my abilities to teach... so I probably shouldn't be writing anything else... cause that could get depressing.

But that's a quick update for you. Hopefully I'll have another good day soon and can write my reflections on that.

"So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees. Mark out a straight path for your feet so that those who are weak and lame will not fall but become strong." - Hebrews 12:12-13

Discontent

I have no idea what I think about education anymore. Working at a nontraditional school has definitely helped define my philosophy of teaching. I have learned the importance of getting to know each student thoroughly and letting them know a bit about you as well. I love the opportunity they have to become invested in education by being allowed to learn through their interest. I have seen that perhaps forcing kids to memorize, cram, and forget random facts without truly learning is not the best way to better our nation. I believe that learning cannot necessarily just be quantified in a percentage or letter grade, but that it is useful to have more meaningful assessments for students (like oral defenses of their work).

However, our school isn’t doing so hot at the moment and thus it has also made me doubt the things I thought I thought. Maybe there is a reason to having students practice test taking skills. Maybe, while they won’t always remember everything, they will at least have the confidence that they learned it at some point. Maybe it is easier for students to focus when they get to travel to different classrooms throughout the day and experience different teachers and styles instead of getting annoyed by the same voice all day long. And math… oohhhh math… students definitely need more than just random math lessons to learn the skills they need to master the basics.

I also have no idea what I think about classroom management. I have been faced with the most difficult students I will hopefully ever have to encounter; students who are completely disengaged with school and don’t even begin to know how to define respect. Students who I want to reward but who don’t exactly deserve it. I have terrible management in my classroom, yet I’ve tried so many different approaches. Is it better for that one student who is unaffected by discipline to be kicked out of school yet again, or is it better to love on them and try to see from their perspective, no matter how distorted it may be?

So not only am I confused about my classroom, but I’m confused about my life. What do I want to do next year? Do I stick with Big Picture and wait to see it through? Do I try teaching mathematics in a traditional setting? Do I work in some other capacity with Teach for America? Do I take a break from education and try something new? Youth ministry? Photography? Web design?

I was sitting in church this morning contemplating my worries and anxieties about my classroom and my future. Fall seems to be a contemplative season. But it’s amazing how God will continue to tug at my heart to just trust in Him. It’s ok if I feel confused, for He is not. Reid, our pastor, fittingly ended the sermon with this verse from Philippians 4:

“…for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I have learned the secret of living in every situation… for I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.”

How much does this entire blog post reveal my own discontent with where God has me in life? While Paul is talking more so about being able to live with riches or poverty and finding and rejoicing in the blessings that God gives and takes away, I was still very convicted. I am so discontent. I need to find my contentment in Him and let these wordly anxieties go.

Random

I wish I was one of those teachers who just had wonderful great ideas that I could share on my blog for others to steal. A friend of mine led me to a really great high school math blog: check it out if you want to be inspired by great math lessons. But alas... I am only a second year teacher at a very alternative high school and not really an expert at anything. Maybe some day if I pursue teaching after this adventure is over I will have more substance to share.

Just thought I'd share that blog... I enjoyed looking at... am slightly jealous that I don't have those wonderful ideas and even more slightly jealous that even if I did I wouldn't be able to teach them with the students I have.

My job is very cool. I will give you that. I get the opportunity on Tuesdays and Thursdays to visit my students at their internships sites throughout Newark (those of them who actually have them). I get to learn and experience all of their passions and interests. From photography to music production. From bicycle building to a rooftop garden. From seafood imports to mechanics. Now if only the Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays were equally as stimulating and exciting.

Sat in on one of my student's photography classes. I really do think I want to pursue that in some shape or form later in life.

This week was better. Not really sure why. I think I was in a better mood. God has been encouraging me through others and reminding me that he gave me the gift of teaching, even if I might not be doing it very well at the moment... but I'm not sure who could exactly do extremely well with my students. I feel like I need to call on all those great teachers whose lives get made into movies. Let them try and tackle these guys.

I think I decided on a potential direction for next year. I know it seems silly and I know I might change my mind, but I needed to have something to focus my life on. I am going crazy. I needed a hope, that if the year doesn't get better I have something else to look forward to. I think I do really want to give traditional teaching a go. Whether that be as a math specialist for Big Picture or a traditional high school math teacher in a different district, I think I might see how I do at that.

I will say that I will be sad to leave Big Picture if the day comes. While Newark is a mess, I do really believe in what they are trying to do.

So those are my random thoughts as I completely procrastinate from doing work... which is also another reason why I am not a perfect teacher writing blogs about my marvelous, flawless lesson plans.

Stay Positive

Today was another terrible horrible no good very bad day.

Students being disrespectful to me, others, themselves, cursing, terrible language, no work getting done, not a lot of learning happening... the list goes on. This is the first time that I almost lost it. I've cried before in school... but this time was almost the final straw.

On my drive home I didn't know whether to scream or cry. Instead of doing either, I decided to indulge and stop at Dunkin Donuts on the way home. Pumpkin donut and caramel iced latte.

As I drove, I reflected and thought.

(I've been wanting to type out some more posts dealing with the things God has been showing me, but I thought that this one might be more therapeutic at the moment.)

Not only has my advisory been ridiculous the past few weeks, but I have been more aware of the negative things going on. I zoom in on those things, which makes it just stressful and not any better for anyone. So as I was driving and reflecting on the terrible parent phone call that I had just made, I thought about how often I call parents for good things. And then I thought about how often I even feel that there are good things going on. There are very few moments when I've even smiled in school the past few weeks.

So I made a decision. Our advisory mantra is "Work hard. Stay positive. Move forward." I feel like I have been struggling, alongside my students, with staying positive. Lately my first reaction is almost always negative. This blog post is one of my solutions.

I am going to do my best to start blogging more about the good things that are happening. Even if they might be few and far between, I need to start sharing those more with people instead of the bad.

So here's the good that happened amongst the chaos of today:

• Several students were just as frustrated with the disrespect and the talking during advisory. Even some of the students who caused most of the problems would every once in awhile chime in with a serious, "C'mon guys, she's trying to talk."


• After I almost freaked out at them I had a student ask, "Nichole, are you ok?"


• While the majority of my students were participating in the weekly yoga session or doing independent work (or disrupting the weekly yoga session), two students sat and diligently got work completed in my classroom.


• We decided that this week instead of saying "Shut up!" to one another, we would use a more positive phrase like, "Please be quiet." Several students started using it by the end of the day (granted, they get positive points which turn into money that they can use as an advisory, but hey, it's a start)


• All of my students were present. (Even though one went home sick)

Not too much, but enough to keep me going.

I'm going to start practicing what I'm preaching to my kids and stay positive.