Million

It has been 2 years since I moved to NJ. That's crazy. So much has happened in these short 24 months. I don't feel like the same person as the girl who graduated, went through TFA training, and this day 2 years ago was saying goodbye to those she loved at her best friend's wedding and flying back to begin her new life.

Never in a million years would I have thought I would have found such a home here in Jersey... enough to decide to stay for round 3. Teaching has been hard. I can't believe I'm a TFA alumni... I don't feel old or experienced enough to deserve that distinction. Yet, here I am. I have an amazing fiance and a wonderful church family that I feel like I've known forever. I have been blessed with laughter and fun times (while not perhaps as silly as college yet meaningful and fullfilling none-the-less). I have learned a lot about myself and about life in the inner city. I've seen hopelessness and defeat, but I've also seen some triumphs, however small. I've been encouraged and loved and stretched and shaped. I've seen NYC on a regular basis, I know about the streets of Newark, I've fallen in love, and I've visited Indiana more than once. I'm not really sure when all of that happened, it seems like a moment ago that it never existed.

While I have grown in many ways, I still feel stuck in others. I still struggle with understanding why God has me here. Teaching was supposed to be the most rewarding thing that I would do, but I have not found that so, although, my own reward isn't the reason I'm here. I'm going back to teach math but not sure what will happen after. The amount of friends I have has grown, but so has the loneliness when no one is around. I've finished books, but my shelf is still full of ones I have yet to read.

I really never would have thought that I would be here if you asked me when I graduated 2 years ago. In many many ways it's better than I could have ever imagined, but it others it's been plain frustrating. Inner city was never something I thought I would be called to and I'm still not sure if it's where I will end up. I have loved my students but have struggled with knowing how to teach them well. And so I find that God still has me in a place where I need to trust Him.

When He lead me to NJ, it wasn't a direct answer, but He clearly opened the door and I have experienced many great things since I walked through it. So having that in my very recent memory, why on earth is it still so hard to trust that He's got the next chapter covered as well? I stress and contemplate and worry that I don't know what I want to do with my life or where He wants A.J. and I to go. Pure silliness. Some of Jesus' last words were, "Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God and trust also in me."

Thus, as I continue to attend weddings (with mine also on the way), I find that I am still no closer to understanding what God has in store or His mysterious ways. It's these times when I would never in a million years imagine where He has brought me or will take me that I also desire the time a million years from now when I will be in His glorious presence. Weddings will just keep on coming until the Bridesgroom returns to call us home. Until then, there's not much left to do but trust in the million ways that He is good.

July

It has been quite awhile since I've written. I have taken a month off from life and it has been wonderful. The end of the school year was somewhat boring and tiring as students slowly stopped showing up and there was less and less to do. It also seemd to never end as we went right up to the end of June for who knows why. Summer started and I immediately took off for home to spend time with my family and then to continue on to Indiana to spend time with the fiance. The result was complete summer success. Below you can read a list of my accomplishments so far throughout the month of July.

• Went to the shore and spent a wonderful first day of summer with roomate


• Got oil changed


• Enjoyed July 4th with many friends


• Drove many miles


• Slept in often


• Read 7 books


• Planned honeymoon


• Solidified wedding location


• Designed Save-the-Dates


• Gathered addresses from friends for Save-the-Dates


• Printed, addressed (and am about to send out) Save-the-Dates


• Got started on buying vintage books for wedding decorations


• Went ring shopping (no decisions yet)


• Spent mornings at a public pool while fiance taught swim lessons


• Beat fiance at chess (once)


• Learned several German words and mastered 2 German phrases


• Spent 3 weeks with fiance and his family


• Battled his parent's cat on a daily basis and came out alive


• Watched several movies


• Ate a lot of food


• Picked blackberries


• Went kayaking on a lake


• Played with fiance's phone (getting quite good at several apps)


• Took a decent amount of pictures


• Attended 3 wedding showers (2 for us)


• Met fiance's extended family


• Received much appreciated appliances, cooking utensils, and household fun


• Bought an outfit for engagement pictures (to be taken in 2 days in NYC)


• Caught up with some friends from home


• Showed fiance Allegheny College


• Baked my very first pie (blueberry) with my grandmother's guidance


• Planned out rules and procedures for my classroom this year because I was bored and had nothing else to do :)


• Spent all of today relaxing outside on my parents deck reading on a raft in the pool in the sun


• Wrote this blog post

I'd call this month a success.

KaPOW!

I write that whole blog yesterday to only be slammed in the face with God's truth this morning. (Funny how God does that.) I am in the midst of a study with some friends using the guide "Experiencing God," by Blackaby, Blackaby, and King. This week's focus is on looking to God and how He is already at work around you. I just wanted to share some of the text from the study today since it totally kicked my selfish butt:

"Part of the Book of Genesis is the record of God's accomplishing His purposes through Abraham. It is not the record of Abraham's walk with God. Can you see the difference in focus? The focus of the Bible is God. The essence of sin is a shift from God-centeredness to self-centeredness. The essence of salvation is denying self instead of affirming self. We must deny ourselves and return to God-centeredness in our lives. Then God has us in a place where He will accomplish His eternal purposes through us (p32)."

"Self-centeredness is a subtle trap because it makes sense from a human perspective... To live a God-centered life, you must focus your life on God's purposes, not on your own plans. You must seek to view situations from God's perspective rather than from your own distorted human outlook. When God starts to do something in the world, He takes the initiative to reveal His will to people. For some divine reason He has chosen to involve His people in accomplishing His purposes (p33)."

"God never asks people to dream up something to do for Him. We do not sit down and dream what we want to do for God and then call God in to help us accomplish it. The pattern in Scripture is that we submit ourselves to God. Then we wait until God shows us what He is about to do, or we watch to see what God is already doing around us and join Him (p34)."



KaPow. Reality check.

It's crazy how I can live so long in my own little world knowing that these things are true but never really letting them soak in. For some reason this morning, God is using these simple words, words that I have heard in some form or another before, to really reveal the sin of my focus on my "walk with God." Because that's totally how I've been living my life. I've been frustrated because I don't feel God or see Him at work in my life. But who the heck am I? I am a tool to be used for God's work going on all around me that I've just been too ignorant to see.

Freakin' Out

I am quite literally "freaking out" in every sense of the word. It's kind of ridiculous. I'm not sure how I got to this point (which is part of the reason why I haven't been blogging... too stressed to think about it).

There's a lot of little things that are causing to me to feel like my head is going to explode and make me feel like I need to just scream. This past month has been crazy with work. It's getting to the end of the year and I'm about at the end of my patience rope. The students are getting crazier as I am losing the desire to care about pushing them when they show no desire to want to learn. Everything they say that's disrespectful or involves cursing sets me off. They curse, they don't do their homework, they're rude... little things that I had patience and understanding for now seem to just light my fuse. Some of them are about to graduate and head into the real world, I feel like they should know better by now. I forget that they are still teenagers.

I was also helping rewrite the federal grant for our failing school this month, which took up much more time than I bargained for, adding a lot of unnecessary pressure to my blood circulation.

While wedding planning has so far to go (still 10 months), the stress from work was bleeding into my personal life. I stressed about finding a dress and a venue and the guest list and the bridesmaids and the honeymoon location. Anything you can think of I've freaked out about.

Then just with my personal life. With roomates getting married and moving and no one going grocery shopping or washing the dishes and so on and so forth. My stress is stopping me from sleeping and so then I stress about not getting enough sleep. It's quite the vicious cycle.

Ironically enough, the sermon series we are in at Jacob's Well at the moment is titled just that, "Freaking Out." Talk about relevant. The main thread that is pulsing through the series is that we need to stand firm on the realities of God: His sovereignty, love, presence, and promises. In one of the sermons, I was convicted by the things that are usually the root cause of my stress. That either 1. I'm striving for my own success, 2. I'm seeking the approval of others, or 3. I'm focused on this being my one shot to get it right and forgetting the fact that we have eternity. I feel like all 3 of these things are rolled into many of the stressful parts of my life right now, especially my job. I'm striving for my personal success as a teacher, I'm seeking the praise of others for me being the best teacher, and I get upset when I mess up with the little things every day, because I've messed up my "only shot."

While these things have been so convicting, it still seems uncannily hard for me to stop trying to control things. This is the first time since my early college years when I have been so completely stressed like this. As I try and remind myself of the truths of God and the need to trust Him, I still find it incredibly hard to do just that. I find myself asking the question, "What am I doing wrong? Why can't I get this stress to go away?"

It amazes me how I still seem fixed on trying to find the solution within myself. It's like I've forgotten what it feels like to truly trust in Him with every moment of my day. To be ok with just today and not worry about tomorrow. To see every moment that I get to speak with someone else as an opportunity for Him to work through me. To give my cares and worries to Him and trust that He loves me enough to make it work out just fine.

I'm really not sure what I'm so scared of. I'm not sure what my anxiety is expecting to happen. Is it failure? But by what standards? Is it the end of my teaching career? Is that even realistic? Is it that my marriage will fall apart within the first few months because the wedding day didn't go as planned or because we didn't read enough premarital books? Is it that my life won't be perfect?

All I know is it's about time that I let myself relax and allow the Spirit to fill me with the joy of His presence once again.

Jesus said, "Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God and trust also in me...I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift that the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid."

His peace and joy is free. I just have to tear away the wrapping paper that gets in the way.

Mentality

As spring blooms all around and the thunderstorms bring refreshment to all green things (which unfortunately results in a ton of pollen that makes me sneeze), I find myself looking around feeling so very blessed. While I hate to actually admit this in writing, I really do enjoy living in New Jersey. I guess I should say that I enjoy the life God has blessed me with here. I love the area where I live now, it's so much better than being in the heart of a city. I love the community He has blessed me with. I love that I can navigate the streets of Newark, it makes me feel accomplished when I know where things are and how to get there without using my GPS. I enjoy the bustle of New Brunswick and the college feel that the town has. I like the diversity of this state, walking down the street and hearing at least 3 different languages. I relish the smells of the Ironbound after a day of work, when all is quiet in the afternoon and you get a whiff of Portuguese barbeque from down the street. I love the history of the east coast and the variety of buildings that you see.

While there is much to enjoy, there are many things that frustrate me, especially when it comes to the inner city. The biggest thing that has struck me as slightly amazing is the mentality of this place. I know that people are inherently selfish, but never before have a been somewhere where the majority of the people have the mentality of looking out for only themselves and that everyone is out to get them.

I see it in my students, as it is hard to gain their trust. Their life experience has taught them that people only do things for their own selfish gain. I see it in construction and traffic. Yesterday I sat for 20 minutes as 3 lanes were abruptly turned into one on a busy side street in Newark with no signs of warning. Where I'm from, people understand that when you merge you take turns. Not here. I sat in amazement as 3 cars refused to let me into the lane and sped up quickly to make sure I couldn't get in. Amazing.

[On a quick side-note, for those who have never been to New Jersey, the driving is completely different. Now I know that others will defend Jersey and rag on PA drivers and whatnot, but if you ever come to visit, brace yourself. If you don't go immediately when the light turns green, be ready for several loud honks. (Once I got a honk just before the light turned green because my foot was still on the brake.) The average NJ driver will not just let you move over in a lane. Impatience often runs rampant. My favorite is when there's traffic and someone actually drives on the shoulder to try and get around it!]

Any way, it is frustrating and sad to daily be amidst this cycle of culture. Generation after generation. I'm sure it also has a lot to do with the technology and world view of America these days, but it still continues to amaze me. There is immediately a defensive nature seen in so many people, and along with that a sense of hopelessness. So few care about anyone other than themselves and maybe their family and close friends. There's zero sense of a need to be a good role model or to do the right thing.

I know that I am among probably what is a smaller portion of the people in this city, but it saddens me that any group of people see life this way. It makes me question my own mentality. It's definitely easy to let the negativity and self-focused-ness rub off. Do I suspect that others are only out for their own gain? Do I judge the people I meet? Am I negative the majority of the time? Do I have hope that things can change? I know I'm far from perfect and am selfish in many ways. Am I really all that different from this fast-paced, each-to-his-own worldview?

I'm not sure I have the answers just yet, but I do know that there are many things I still have to learn about the inner city.

Finished

I feel as though God has been trying to get my attention for some time now. I haven’t been blogging because I’m pretty sure I would just have the same thing to say every time. My faith has not been strong, I have not been finding joy in Him, and I have been stressed beyond belief.

This past week I got to spend my spring break with A.J. in Indiana. It was good to have a week of doing nothing and to spend time with him. It was also good to finally slow down enough to remember that God is there and that He has things to say.

This week is also a favorite of mine due to the Easter season. It reminds me of why I am here and what I have to live for. Last year I remember God really hitting me with the reality of what He did for me. He became one of us; God became a measly human being, because He loved us enough to set us free from sin. He offered His life instead of me having to owe mine for all my mistakes. He loves me THAT much.

This year I feel like God’s been hitting me over the head for several months now trying to show me a very simple concept, but I have been too ignorant to really listen. At the Good Friday service in Indiana, the pastor challenged us to figure out what we are committed to. When Jesus was in his most stressful periods of torture and death, the inner thoughts he exposed were all about the Father. He showed full trust in Him, even at the lowest points of hardship. But where is my heart at? What comes out of my mouth when I’m stressed? What is my heart committed to? At Jacob’s Well this morning, our pastor brought us face to face with a similar thought. In the poker game of life, where do I go all in? To what do I entrust my chips?

When Christ was in the final moments of life, before he released his spirit, he uttered the words, “It is finished.” What exactly was finished? His life? His pain? His struggle? Were they just the crazy last words of a severely beaten and broken man? Do they affect my life? Should I just continue to struggle and try to model my life after his, on my own terms?

I am committed to my own success. I like being one of the best. Not THE best necessarily, but I like being at the top of the pack at anything that I do. Right now, my heart is committed to my success as a teacher. I want to succeed on my own terms. I want to plan killer lessons and deliver them flawlessly. All me. All to my glory. I go all in and place my trust and my chips in my talents. I’m fairly quick-witted and smart. I can trust in that. I’m always good at learning things and improving. I never fail. I can do this. I can trust in my own ability. I can succeed.

I live my life as if Christ’s death and resurrection, his conquering of sin, means absolutely nothing. I live as if he did not sacrifice himself so that I would be seen as perfect and flawless. Not because of what I’ve done, but because of His love and grace. When he exclaimed that it is finished, he meant the thing he came here to do. He conquered death. He finished what I do not have the ability to. He made me perfect. He gave me talents and in God’s eyes, I am holy and clean. I am a perfect teacher, not by my standards, but because Christ took my place. He took the blame for my sins so that I may be made perfect and holy.

Every time I teach something poorly or lose my patience with my students, Jesus is there, standing before God in my place, saying that he will take the heat. It is finished. I don’t need to stress. I don’t need to try to reach perfection, because I am already there. There is nothing humanly possible that I can do to love my students more. But I can love them through the Spirit. I can find my joy in Him instead of my day to day success in the classroom. I can stop panicking and getting that nauseous feeling in my stomach because He has died for me. It is finished. There is nothing more for me to do but accept His love and grace and to love others as a result.

Being religious gets me nowhere. I cannot follow a set of rules to be a good Christian. I cannot do things on my own. I am sinful and imperfect, I simply cannot. But through Him, anything is possible.

It is finished. I can find my joy in that.


Falling down upon our knees
Sharing now in common shame
We have sought security
Not the cross that bears Your name
Fences guard our hearts and homes
Comfort sings a siren tune
We’re a valley of dry bones
Lead us back to life in You

Lord we fall upon our knees
We have shunned the weak and poor
Worshipped beauty, courted kings
And the things their gold affords
Prayed for those we’d like to know
Favor sings a siren tune
We’ve become a talent show
Lead us back to life in You

You have caused the blind to see
We have blinded him again
With our man-made laws and creeds
Eager, ready to condemn
Now we plead before Your throne
Power sings a siren tune
We’ve been throwing heavy stones
Lead us back to life in You

We’re a valley of dry bones
Lead us back to life in You
We’ve become a talent show
Lead us back to life in You
We’ve been throwing heavy stones
Lead us back to life in You
-Sojourn

Today

Today is one of those days where I feel like I’m never going to be a good teacher. Having a lesson where students sit there and stare at you but don’t comprehend a thing is one of my least favorite feelings. If you don’t get them hooked in the first 5 minutes, the entire lesson is pretty much gone.

Today I tried to teach students how equations are used in everyday life with loans and savings. We learned the difference between simple and compound interest. Then we played with the equations for each, learning how to plug in the different numbers given in a word problem.

Today, after I taught this lesson and did some examples for them, I asked them to pair up and for each group to work on a different problem. They were then going to put it up on the board. 3 of my students attempted the work. 2 of them sat there and looked at me like I was an alien. I hate that feeling.

As the year is coming into its last stretch, the days are beginning to feel more successful. The majority of my students are trying their hardest, working more independently, and understanding more work. But…

Today I feel the opposite of successful. The notes I got from my last formal observation are poking me from the back of my mind. Feedback that suggests that I am less than proficient in my understanding of the material I’m teaching my students, that my math skills are basic, below the level of expectation.

Today I watched my students struggle through the unorganized jumble of explanations I was giving them to solve equations and felt like my math degree was going to waste. I can’t explain math to these students. I have no idea what I’m doing.

Today I’m frustrated and angry with our school system. I don’t have books or a curriculum to follow. I don’t have materials to use and need to make them up on my own. It’s a detriment to my student’s learning. But even more of a detriment is my lack of preparation which is resulting in poorly explained material.

Today as I was about post this on my blog I am reminded of Ephesians 3 and that God is the one at work within me. It is not me who teaches on my own, it is the Spirit who gives me that gift and gives me the words and understanding of His creation. While I need to probably work even harder at creating my lessons and thinking through my explanations, I can rest in knowing that He is ultimately in control of all of His creation.

I am ready for today to be over.